-This is happiness-
There's a spot for me at the end of the hall
(Last door to the right)
They keep the party running and it never ends
The faster I walk, the quicker it fades

-this is happiness, keep your concerns-
Busy hands and blistering feet
No time to think,
Gotta stay quick
Gotta lose sleep.

-everything's calloused-
Lips stopped bleeding long ago
My teeth commanded an end to chattering
And now there's dry blood under my fingernails

-it seems so brutal, but this is happiness-
Where is the time going?
How to speak, how to think, how to find the time?
How do you pack a car to stay away 500 miles?
How do you leave what you've known?

-with a future-
There's a hallway with a room waiting just for me.
They have a show that doesn't stop,
they welcome fuzzy brains
Their words play over and over across my eyes
"You could be the life of the party and the star of our show"

It began to happen during days
Beginners mistake, only adding to the delay
I closed my eyes and the world disappeared
everything I once feared
the dolls eyes are opened wide,
Waiting for a tear to drop from your eye
Perfect perfect
Days are showing their faces
The perfect days are measured by if
You have a foot massage at work

Fast food. No business. Your own hands.
The perfect days are measured by if I can watch a show and have dinner with my coworker.
Close the door. Open the lights.

The nights began to happen during the day.
I felt like I came to life again.    
    Something broke me. Out of the mold

It wasn't you with you cheese splattered canvas
You're a rookie who still doesn't know how to live
My blood came back all at once,
And I'm back full force

It began to happen during the day.
I'd close my eyes and let the waves drown me
Take the happiness and take the sadness
And all at once I let myself feel again.

I'm getting better. I'm gonna be better

I'm breathing again.

I woke up and reality stays by my side,
My new friend and I are determined
To break out of these obstacles
"Keep it real" they say.
Reality is the only friend I can trust anymore.

and everyone began to taste the same
Glazed in alcohol, salted in legal drugs
I never tasted the sunshine again.
they gave me a needle to pick a bone
They gave me a needle to inject my medicine
And my dosage weighed heavily with invincibility.
I told them "no, I never want to feel like that again.
I'm trying to be real. No, I got who I need to get me through this,"
I said. "You want me dead"
And every kiss felt the same.
All their lips were chapped and tasted like
Worn out strawberry sweets.
I said, don't go easy on me, babe.
I love the crazy, it fuels me up
Told you go away, you're insane
He told me stick around, babe
And no one has bit me quite like you since.

girl #1, i'm sorry i hooked up with your boyfriend
you left me all alone with me and alcohol.
boy #1, i'm sorry your ex girlfriend wants me rather than you,
but i don't even want her.
girl #2, i'm sorry i'm going to destroy your marriage with him.
when he's feeling guilty, i hope what he said slips in his conscious.
i hope he can't take the weight of what he did.
oh, it's not your fault, but you'll get by.
you left him all alone and he'll choose me,
besides, you're far far away,
oblivious to what he did.

when I first met you, i hated your voice
i forced myself to love it like i didnt have a choice
i spent all night with you, i dared you to make a move
you did, but it was never enough.

I want to feel your skin pressed against mine
in the worse way, drizzled in vain
Soaked in revenge,
Oh, baby, let me tear you apart
I'm crazy, crazy
unhealthy mindset.
let me teach you love in physical pain is all night,
let me abandon you when you love it
and I'll let your life be ruined
soaked in pain and regret.

theres a boy that just tried to show me everythings gonna be okay
i showed him to pick at my wounds
theres a boy that just tried to love me,
and i showed him how to love anyone that isn't me
it's all in fear, and it's all in good days
when i call a friend up, because i have to think
when i got high with him and tried to stay close
but he came down, and wasn't in the best place
i passed out in the grocery store parking lot
but ****, is this how i want to live?

we are on the same page, on opposite sides
Red and blue, our colors collide
the world is my dream,
with light between my inner thighs
your dreams are warm, swarmed with me

I wanted to remind them of what it was like
to bite-
you know how ice will shell around water?
still breakable, that was me
but I turned to frozen, and when someone tried
to bite.
into me.
they broke their teeth, froze their tongue,
and was warmed by my skin,
and they would fall apart
this is the path i set for myself.
I'm destructive in this sense

call me your strawberry tea
tell me I taste worst than carrot water
grow me, defend me
savour the way we keep getting softer

puncture the herbs
break the stems
wrap your words
sweep away any trace of the trim

break me, baby
feel my skin, warmer than your water
you're so *****,
and i'll pour a spring shower

I just need to fall asleep
At this point it doesn't seem possible
I'm lost in my thoughts, you see?
In the morning I'll focus on this filthiness
it all seems so unsorted

Thinking holds and keeps
stops me from being at least plausible
my eyes bother me
and their unwillingness
to stop my thoughts from being contorted

you are
a thunderstorm with the sun still shining
you feel like
a freezing house with the warmest bed
you talk as if
they could get drunk off the liquor on my lips
you act like
that past year is probably going to mean nothing
we all know
it's not hard to spot a mess,
and you're drawn to be
closer to me.

please don't fade from the things we said
i don't need you, but you're necessary
to keep me breathing steady,
but sometimes i'd rather be dead

sometimes i think to blame this all on you
and sometimes late at night,
i think about how if i just didn't text you,
or if i just got rid of that ticket,
then i could cut this feeling away

but maybe i love the pain that comes with it
it only makes sense that this would pass me

maybe I'm over thinking this whole bit,
but when I texted you the other night,
letting you know you were one of my favorite people,
It seemed like you shrugged it off.

i don't know, maybe there's a lot of analyzation
i can't catch my breath to know or to think
you haven't been the same since then and
i thought we were just getting close

i mean, we confessed a lot and i felt attached
it's not like i didn't hate myself for feeling like i could lean on you
i'm not in love with you like i used to be
and we don't have the same views but
now i feel like i need you.
its not fair.

if I could forget the fact that I can't take control,
lower my expectations on where our conversations go
maybe things would be easier for me
I am, however, as hopeless as they come some nights

when i metaphorically jump off a skyscraper,
i guess i need to not only fall,
but i also need to fly.
and soar above these dead city lights
and forget who i am until i can crash again

It's terrifying to suffer from years and years of
low self esteem, no confidence, and not caring if you stopped living
i'm only now healing and it's terrifying to think
someone could break me any moment
or if I think about what happened... that night..
the things that were screamed at me when I was barely awake
and the ways I started my days, breathing in as many chemical I could
or how I felt... when the chemicals didn't want to trick my brain
when I let myself fall.
all I have to do listen to a song that reminds me of how I felt.

take take take take me back, and remind me of when  I tried to feel nothing
I remember being given pills to take,
"You enjoy feeling nothing, and I don't"
I kept them in the car, in a gum bottle
and never chewed the gum
and so I felt nothing

and I tried not to feel you.
I sat at home alone
and now i'm trying not to remind myself

that's okay
I've accepted that if i break again,
then I will break.

but I'm healing. I am trying.
I even read books about it,
and listen to songs about it

we could respect those around us,
while respecting ourselves.
we could love each other with trust,
but not until we fall in love with ourselves
do you trust yourself?
because self love is more than bubble baths and buying things
take a walk with yourself, and have long conversations
ponder on the meaning of life and slow dance with yourself
fall in love with you & let's be truthful
because before anyone else can wrap their arms around you
before anyone else can call you beautiful
you have to learn it before they do

i find it terrifying how i see myself losing my mind
each night mare i see a drastic change
i find it ironic how i used to be afraid of those who lost their minds
but now i'm only afraid of myself
have i lost my mind?

Drugs are no different from the love you show me
Hot nights, cold showers, cheap hotel rooms
Walk into the musty air on the second floor
Fall into unknown cities and drunk strangers
weliveonforever weliveonforever we live on
and the sun never seemed so bright
the sky is purple tonight
maybe my words are just slurs through the alcohol
my teeth can't speak
we live. on. forever.

i think of passed days, and
i smell smoke and vanilla
perfume, bought second handed
i think of last summer, and
i smell what loneliness would smell like
if i try hard enough i know the smell of
over used air conditioners
and it hits me in the stomach, and i know
what the feeling of staying up all night feels like
sober and innocent in the spring time
but that was so long ago,
and i don't want to live
not here any more
i like to think of the days because the hurricanes.

you're not broken, not corrupted
you're so pure,
never knew a noose
i may love you,
but i'm so broken and corrupted
i'm not so innocent
can't forget how to tie a noose
why won't you love me?

shrug your shoulders and become indifferent.
drugs aren't working anymore, and you can't block out your past
and there's not enough cigarettes to block out the stress
what's constant recovery, and who are you?
When you're overdosing and calling it quits,
pale face, blue lips, and you have circles under your eyes
but somehow, you're still alive, just not living too well.
this is the end, and this is nothing but an echo,
and i keep repeating myself, but i wouldn't be able to look at you the same
we move together like the sky seems to move
but the way we move is all an illusion
maybe i'm a hypocrite, but i can't handle the both of us
how am i supposed to keep you from slipping down?
my head hurts and i can't breath.
is this all my fault or your fathers fault?
is there a part of him you left  behind,
or am i a bad influence because i force you think about these things?
i think too much and i'm suffocating, and you look like
what someone looks like when they lose hope,
you remind me of darkness when i'm just trying to live
and maybe i should stay away from you, and take a breath
because death is laughing at the both of us, and we're waving at him
so maybe we should just go back to staring at each other
because we don't know each others names

my teeth grind together and i gasp for air,
this air is not the one i'm used to,
it knocks on my skull and no one thinks to ask
am i down?
i taste the air and it doesn't remind me of home
but really i have no clue where i belong

of everything I want to feel,
really, it's no big deal.
one more year, give me one more year
i'll try to get away
i don't want to look back
i don't want to think about it

I was driving through town and I rolled down my window,
you know the feeling when you're all alone,
your music is playing and all you can smell is gas and fast food
and you're tired of hearing the town?
You know the feeling when you're getting on the highway,
and the food smells fade,
and you turn down the volume of your music
all that you want to listen to is passing semi trucks
because you feel sick
and still there is no warm company
because you already gave your friend a lift back to their house,
but you're on the highway, and you're tired of everything?
and you know the feeling when you'd rather close your eyes
than drive because you don't want to breathe in anymore?
Because you don't feel like you belong, and the air is humid,
weighing you down, but you were so happy two minutes ago
even with the wind ruffling your hair up at 80 MPH,
you still don't feel alive?
and you still can't feel like all your friends do?

You're in my brain
You're in my skin
You're in my blood
You're in my veins
You're in my writing,
And everything is for you.

How could I go my whole life,
not caring if I fell asleep next to anyone,
(I never cared until you)
How could I meet someone and care
for two years straight
about how I am not waking up next to you,
you'll be the death of me,
and you're in my dreams.
I shake when I wake and find you're not there beside me

You're a mess, kid.
You started smoking cigarettes because they did too,
and you wanted something to have an excuse to talk to them.
"Can I have a smoke?" and you held your breath
But you tell yourself it's not for them.

You heard their music taste and decided that you'd listen to that band
In your car over and over and you fall in love with the music,
but you claim you love the tune because it's refreshing,
said you didn't do it for them,
but now you've got another thing to talk about

and you're introduced to foods you hate and people you're forced into
but you didn't do it for them, right?

You dye your hair darker,
but it's not for them,
and you're not breathing for them
you're not staying in this worthless place for them

but you realized you're only lying to yourself,
and it's all for him

I realized the people in my dream are trying to speak to me
My own mind holds multiple conversations with itself in my sleep
and I can't stop thinking that dialogues are just a story to tell

Are we lying to ourselves and betraying ourselves when others speak?
Are we being honest and letting ourselves realize us when others speak?

And the stories told are just a round a set, like the spinning of our brains
and the violent subconscious forgot we even had blood,
When I sleep, my inspiration bleeds through my closed eyes,
and every time I blink, I can't help but think about how
I could keep my eyes open forever,
and never stop dreaming.

We drove until our irises turned a different color
We drove until we had to turn around
We drove until the sky reminded us it was over
We drove until we knew this wasn't our happy ending.
and I'll drive for years, until I can get you out of my head.

I am a radar, tasting the bitter words that slipped off your tongue
I want to explore every inch of you
We all have regrets, but baby, you play the instrument best.
I am arm, to be extended, and I will be entwined with you.
Really I wouldn't mind if you walked away
As long as I get a chance to see all of
Inside and out

I believe the two types of people in this world are simple:
The people that despise the things I love.
The people that appreciate the way I do.
Oh my god I remember when I was in about 2nd grade.
It was a little funny, I guess.
That boy was a little ****, and I was around the crowd.
Got stuck on another boy for four years,
and never fell in love
a miracle for me

surrounded myself with people that still don't understand
And these days, I'll always have way more fun than them.

And I remember that year where I dated him
And he told my best friend to **** herself
So I spent hours trying to console her
How could I forget about the coffee house boy? already have
Singing songs while everyone prayed that we perform the softest sin
Wasn't supposed to happen. My breath reeked anyway,
I could taste it.

But before that, I felt deeply for a boy that paid too much attention to me
Wasn't his fault. I wanted to help him.
But I know where our place will always be, because the world is cruel.

and now I'm falling again, and I know I'm gonna hit rock bottom
soon.

I’ve got real friends that are willing to make me numb
Wonder if they would care if I was suddenly not here
Everything has been a trigger lately

My heart is out of beat again,
Between the thuds, screaming secrets
The only thing I ever can do to make it quiet,
is get it beating faster
So let's get drunk and higher
and run through the roads towards fast cars

sixteen years old, going out with friends for her birthday
It was only to be fun and they lost control of the wheel,
Now everything is so different from the way it used to be
.
.
You're not going to be forgotten,
because you made every single person feel special.

I went to watch the sun rise
but it was cloudy, so made my own clouds with smoke and lungs
And I watched the sky grow brighter and dull all at once
and hid the can, and rolled towards the source
hoping for the clouds to give up,
while I was waiting to stop feeling like paper fill with your thoughts.

Checked my list, realized I've done half the things I wanted to
Got a few cents to save before I leave this place
Atleast I get to claim that through all the terrible thoughts,
Through all the turmoil and self hate

So we get to the point of the goodbyes,
In the next couple of years, the kids I sung my heart out with
I won't want to look at their faces
Haven't got a problem with letting you go,

I can let go of all the times we shared,
Sparklers, skateboards, late nights in the rain.
Too cold, too numb, too happy to feel.
We spin, we kiss, we cry.
Felt alive, even.
But I won't miss you, though I may think about you.

When I heard the words "You never know who your real friends are."
I thought that I was okay with the tight knit circle of people I'm with
Until the people that I stood tall with,
had knocked me down, taken me for granted,
like I was always going to be there
when I was on the ground, still ready to give them the world.

The night when I was laying in an idle car with tears in my eyes,
wanting to forget who I was,
wondering why I had always had to be second best,
I realized that the people I knew before had changed
Maybe complete monsters, ego centric human beings

and I've got a lot to be okay with when these realizations hit
Because now I know nothings going to be okay
especially not when I feel safe around someone

But now I'm only going to move on.

The deeper breaths I take,
The more I suffocate
It's like my blood vessels are restricting my throat
A snake that curls into my brain, poisoning my thoughts
The more I think,
The more I sink.
And I just so happen to believe this is all falling apart

I beg for attention in subtle ways,
and now I'm losing my mind, these people don't care
they never ******* did.
I'm losing my mind and I don't want to think.

So many people are bitter on this day, but
It's a day to appreciate all the ones that love you.
To be glad love exists and that there are people in your life
who would die for you and stay alive for you in the same breath,
knowing you'd do the same for them without hesitation.

I'm not sorry for being unapologetically me
I don't feel bad for my anger or my happiness
I'm not sorry for losing a few friends
I am regretting that I did not love deeper

Egos are false, they fail you, let you down.
Kick you over, leave you thinking you're better than someone else
Egos are not true, we are all equals, all equally important

Low self esteem is the same in many ways, it lets you down.
Kicks you while you're down, leaves you thinking someone else is better
Your insecurities are not true, we are all important, as well as you.

The only thing left is to be self aware and to know who you are
Become comfortable with yourself, and love yourself
And love everyone around you, including your enemies

You shaped yourself,
I fell in love with that until I fell apart.
Can't handle the passing moments, it all moves too fast
These nights end too soon.
You don't do too well losing your friends,
I've lost enough people to make a crowd

I could probably blame you, say I was okay when numb
Yell at you, tell you to stay away.
Instead, I think I'll just fall apart.

We spun in circles in the heavy air,
Intoxicated and praying for better days
We spun our circles, and left all we loved behind

Watch us decay, watch us as we forget who we were
When we were younger, we had real bright futures,
Yeah, we were gonna grow up to be doctors and lawyers, something like that
But we sat outside too long, held hands and watched it collapse.

She said 'The Earth has a lot of nerve, to fall apart on us like this."
We didn't know we were to blame, so we only let it happen
Spent the summer with no hope left to our name,
Left the winter with enough coffee and liquor to **** anyone's brain

The walls closed in around us,
Where the hell were we supposed to go?
We have a lot to be okay with now, don't you think?

Simultaneously, it seems, everyone becomes more aware
I love it this way, but at the same time, I wish I could have
Kept to myself.

It's been awhile since I've felt the crushing weight of the world
Imaginary bricks weighing on my ribs
My throat closing in as I stay awake all night again
And shaking as I fall apart,
But surrounded by all of this, I've been able to truthfully say
"I think I'll be alright."

You're the drug that I can't have enough off
The drug that it never seems to be enough time
And the comedown hurts so bad,
Like its the same as having a thousand knives
Yeah, yeah. I'll get through. I always do.
I only hope I can forget I ever met you.

It seems I would do anything to feel more alive
They say, I know no one knows me, but they say I can be
Brand new and I can fight, but what the hell am I fighting for?