My name is Erin
and i was *****
at the age of 7

it has taken me
14 years of my life
for those 13 words to escape
my hollow mouth

the only questions i come to now
is why
why lock me in that room
why take everything from me
my innocence
my purity
my childhood

in that room
where my family trusted you
where i trusted you
the night terrors i have to this day
still haunt my mind

like a never ending
drive in movie that plays
over
and
over
only the moon in the night sky
isnt made to be found here
there is no light in these terrors

i cant sleep this time of year
because every time i do
its you
in that room
locking the door
shutting the windows
******* me
yelling at me
every single night
i close my eyes

it has taken me 14 years
to accept the fact that i was taken by you
i have been numb ever since
left in the dust
rotting away at the core
thinking i was nothing
thinking i deserved nothing
because you took everything

but not anymore
i will recover from this
i am strong enough
i believe in myself
i believe in my own happiness
and i promsie
that when i have children one day
i will never ever let them rot at the core
i will find happiness
the darkness will not take over this time

i used to send you memes,
it's no longer a habit of my day.
i realized i haven't sent any in a while,
i miss our old ways.

Go ahead
hold me a little longer
than usual.
You say to me,
without using any
words at all,
"it should have been me,
its still me."
Like i don't already see
those sky blue eyes
every time i close my own.
Because we're still holding
on to god knows what.
Because it is you
and it will always be you.

It took me seven years
to realise
the words in my mind
were too deep for
my mouth to dig up
I thought it was easier
to open my skin
and let the truth
pour down my arms

It took me seven years
to realise
nobody should be allowed
to touch parts
of your home
or hold pieces  
of your heart
that you don't yet understand

It took me seven years
to realise
I will wear these scars
forever
I'll carry them
through every smile
every kiss
every concerned gaze
I'll carry them
to my grave

It took me seven years
to realise
the pain carved
into the walls
of my castle
etchings of
attempting to disappear
are not a story of weakness
but a tale of
how I survived

I am happy!
But then a little voice comes along
Today is such a
Fat
What?
Ugly
But I'm happy
Ew do you have acne
But I'm hap
Gross your thighs touch
But I'm ha
She didn't shave!
But I'm
Your clothes are so cheap
But
Do you have an overbite?
Hey
Wait. Where did you go?
I'm not good enough.
Then another little voice comes along.
Yes you are
I'm not good
Wow I love your hair
I'm not goo
You a perfect smile
I'm not
I love your shirt
I'm not
Yes you are. We all are good enough.
I'm good enough and happy.
Take that society

Am I losing you?
I feel like I am...

maybe it's just because we don't talk as much anymore
and whenever we do
it's catching up
and then silence

we make jokes
reminisce on the crazy **** we did
and laugh our ***** off
       too much for the joke itself
       but if we stop laughing— what then?
so we reminisce some more

You were always one of my closest friends..
       maybe not my best friend, but you were always there
We did everything together, our group. The Boys. Our Group.

now i see you twice a year
and each time is less frequent than the last

And I'm not ready to let you go.
       maybe it's because i know i don't have anyone else like you
       definitely don't have anyone else like you
       and i forget how to make friends
       the new ones aren't as good
I don't do well with change.

       i'll text you occasionally and talk about the unimportant stuff
       but that spark that united us to begin with is gone
       you've changed. i've changed
Our worlds are different now
So what do we have left to connect us?

i don't do well with change