i am screaming
so loud, screaming
heart pounding, head throbbing
i didn't choose this
i didn't choose
i didn't

make it go away

make it leave

let me sleep
i just want to sleep
but the ringing
the screams
forever three two one zero
never goes away
echoes and echoes

make it go away

make it leave

stop stop stop
stop i said
three two
it hurts
one zero
go back to start
maybe it will end faster
three two
if i count
one zero

make it go away

make it leave

how do normal people
do this do that
is it easier for them
run here run there
don't think just follow
who is the leader

make it go away

make it leave

one three
focus is a lie
two zero
it's unordered
zero one
you never know
three two
when it ends
one day it just ends
you never

so weak, so fragile
my gossamer ghost
sickly yellow
true, sick i am
bird-bone hollow
pray, stay
i have been alone
for such time
to leave
would be crime

why am i dead?
i ask
no,
not dead
just really close to it
my lungs are failing
and every light
is too bright
and every noise is too loud
or too quiet
and i'm seeing things
that aren't there
and i confide
in friends that don't
exist

i'm not dead

i don't know what is real
and what is not
convincing myself that death only comes
once my heart stops beating
it's dumb
you can die when you are wide awake
you can die when you are breathing
but i'm dead and its all just
definitions in some student dictionary
sitting in an old library
keeping me believing
and it's okay

i'm not dead

i lie
a lot
i never pick up the phone
i'm scared of talking on the phone
i don't like my friends
they don't know anything about me
they don't know that i'm afraid of stairs
and bicycle riding
and crossing the street
and medicine
i'm afraid of everything
my hands won't stop shaking
i think that means i'm not dead
because my hands are moving
right?

i'm not dead

it takes me hours to fall asleep
and i usually wake up a few times
after i do
and i wear sweatshirts in the summer
because i think it's always cold
even when it's not
my hands are always cold
like a corpse
and i'm always angry
but i don't cry
i wish i could
but i can't

and with every exhale
stars spilled from her lips
and with every tear
clouds covered her eyes
and with every quiet word
oceans filled her throat

here's to the mistakes i will make
the people i will trust
and those people who will push me farther
into myself
to the people who manipulate me
and to the ones who are just not worthy
here's to all the people who
will make my life worse
so maybe here's to you too
it's only your choice

you raised me from hell
an angel by my side
there, even when you fell
a soul in which to confide
you knew me well
my thoughts, i could not hide
secrets you would never tell
the ocean of my tide