Some days I wake up in terror
The body would move if only the mind would
Send the signal
Feel safe enough to go on living
Those days I feel a cage in the shape of
My skin
Pushing inwards with so much force
I could become a black hole


Some other days I wake up vivid
Full of life
I can walk, run, lift
Smile
I can answer the phone
I can plan my days ahead
And the only thing getting in my way
Is a pain
In my lower back
That makes it difficult to make things fun
And a confusion
That makes it difficult not to wonder:


"𝘞𝘩𝘺 𝘥𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘢𝘥 𝘥𝘢𝘺𝘴 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘮𝘶𝘤𝘩 𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘴𝘦𝘯𝘴𝘦?"

I too was once little
I had a pet rabbit and a mother
Who thought little of my cooking skills

I had a boy friend
Whom people thought it was cute
That I wanted to kiss

I had a pink pencase
And inside I had a rainbow of pens
And I painted rainbows


But then I grew
And studied physics,
and practiced cooking,
and learned that boys do more than kiss

And I learned nothing,
all that strength building,
and I'm still one of the kids


Looking up to her cooking
Impressed by his hunting
A mind hopping from subject to subject

Admiring role models so cruel and
Wishing
That when I grow up
I'd be just like them

Spring arrived
And I was so heavily jaded that I couldn't hear
the birds' song

Half alive I would delay my exhale by design
As if to delay time, stop something
While my reaction to beauty was being the reverse
From what it's like for most

But they didn't have to be selective as to what
they inhale

Some people, you know, have died from this

I just liked being around
Even if it meant being on edge
Being constantly attacked by my own cells

"Why couldn't you just be like everyone else?"

But allergic to life
And offended by joy
Was the hand you've been dealt

You used to be bold

Now you just sit there and mourn and you weep
Unfulfilled
Hasn't enough of your time been lost?
Eaten up by mites, clearly mightier than you
And ghosts
Hovering over your shoulder
Greying your eyes and smothering your heart
And for what?
Because of how unlucky you once were?
Or how you refused luck as it felt unknown


I'll say

It's easy to linger in the same halls
Cozy to not have to master
The strength to look up
Up there
Where you haven't been before
You don't know what the weather's like

Scary to think the wind could be stronger
Than your will to survive