I found it.
I found the secret.
The secret that i once held so tightly while running bare foot through the forest.
Along the way i must have stashed it between the trees and bushes while darting towards my made up castle.

It took 20 years to catch my breath.
Slowing coming to a stop, I lifted my head to see where I had ended up.
Only to find a kingdom, but not the one I had made.

No part of my mind could have ever created a beauty such as this.
But this was the secret.
The forgotten, familiar secret that left my hands empty.

Still short of breath, feet still aching, naked among the vines.
Without another thought, here is my entirety.

Clothe me in the leaves and branches that stand so tall above me.
The leaves and branches that fill my lungs with oxygen.
Just as the hair on my arms and the back of my neck stand up with the gifted chill, let the moss sprout from those very pores.
May my crown rise to the galaxies, just as the redwoods relentlessly reach for the clouds.
Pushing cold stones into my own 4th gift, mesmerized by the unknown reality.
My roots digging, growing, stretching, twisting to the bottoms of the soil.
These feet have caved to crave the texture of the deepest grounds.
Standing among the water of the tallest of falls.
Just like coming home.

There was no secret, the secret was home.

The home of a vagabond, once worn like badge of honor.
I want the wanderlust to ends, overwhelmed by the nurture.
The nurture of the forgotten mother.
A forgotten home.
This is home.
This is where it's always been.

Just as the fern never stopped growing beneath my skin, I return the gift with my complete being.

Swiftly married to the endless forest of pines.

I am the floor of the deepest ocean.
I am the cap of the highest mountains.
I am the rain that kisses your face.

I am the grass that grows beneath your bare feet while running through the forest.

I am clothed.
I am grounded.
I am whole.

This is where it has always been.
Stashed between the trees and bushes.

A forgotten home.
A secret kingdom.

This vagabond soul found that home hidden within the frame of my very own twig shaped bones.

You know its been days.
Days since these heavy eyes have mended.
This suit of armor is nothing but twisted, tense muscles and weak joints that have made this body whole.

Just tell me it's going to be ok.
Tell me I'm going to make it through this.
Tell me ill survive.

You would think they would prepare you for battles like this but then again, how would they?

I'm tired of the positive speeches and the nonsensical analogies you think are helping.

I feel my bones starting to ******* inside of this tired body.
Just tell me i'll make it out of this alive.
That's all.
I will survive.

I only tell you because you've never asked.
I only tell you because I don't think you seem to have the slightest idea of who I am.

Would you believe me if I did tell you?

The only clothes on my body were those of my 4 year old brothers.
The only shoes on my feet were so weathered and torn I could feel the cold concrete with every step I took.
The meals on my plate were only those from the school in which I begged for seconds and dreaded the empty weekend.

Would you believe me if I told you that the only food that filled our cabinets were expired cans given from the food bank.
Dinner time meant hiding under the table, avoiding the drunken blows of Mom's new boyfriend.

Would you even believe me?
Months would go by without water or lights.
Our home was no home.
But a shelter for those who had dragged their bodies to the bed of an 8 year old girl.
My mother was no mother at all but a slave to a chemical mixture.

Would you believe me if I told you?

I fought my fight.
Through blood and tears, I fought my fight.
I chose to stand in the crashing waves against me.
I chose to stand strong with the heaviest weight resting on my shoulders, I fought.
& I won.

I'm home when the only sound kissing my ears is the wind.

I'm home when the only shoes on my feet are rushing grains of sand.

Let the air take me and spin me.

I want to feel the trees on the tips of my fingers and the sap stuck on my palms.

Let the soil of this earth obsorb me and make me whole.

Take me home.

How beautiful you sit.
Returning every night to a love that is unending.
The consistency of your visit is the very reason I live.
The light in the blackness.
The guide to my path.
How gracious and patient you sit only to be recognized for just a moment.
You're a gentleman, Mr. Moon.

Some days suffocating seems easier than breathing.
On those days I can feel the tingle in my toes.
The nots in my stomach.
The ache in my muscles.
The tension in my fist.
I can feel it all.

From the top of my head to the bottom of my feet I ache. Ache for you, for your small whisper. The words that melt me like a candle stick.
Drip by drip I fall.

But just as quickly, my waxy lips learn to breathe again.

"I'm not trying to scare you because I'm scared too"
Squeezing my hands so tightly while dragging me through the cement.
You chant, "Come on now. You can do it."
By this time my road rash has met my brittle bones.
You chant, "Just stop thinking about it" as these tears turn to acid.
I can feel the gravel peeling my skin away.
& you chant, "just get past it" and the ache turns numb. I feel nothing.
"I'm not trying to scare you because I'm scared too."

This isn't easy.
Feeling isn't something familiar to me, yet I'm standing in the center of a broken dam.
Water rushing over me and flipping me from side to side.
I'm suffocating with a grin on my face.
Only so you don't ask if I ever learned to swim.
Of course I have.
No. No, I've never even let the tide kiss my toes.
I breathe in to let the air in my lungs be replaced with this unfamiliarity.
But I'll be ok.

It's as if I can feel every cell of my being illuminating.
Everything my fingers touch is electrifying.
My face aches from the corners of my lips relentlessly kissing the lobes of my ears.
Every word spilling from mouth is as dire as the need for air in my lungs.
My body is restless and weightless.
There is no euphoria I can't reach.
No amount of ecstasy I can't handle.
Complete bliss, if only for the moment.
Just as quickly as this paradise was built, even faster it disintegrates.