i opened my window
and the wind blew in
turning over a page
telling me
that it was time
to start a new chapter

as a kid
i built my wall with lego's
then later on
i finished it with stones

Everything is grey.
My mood,
my feelings,
my world.
A greyzone,
so I make my lungs pitch black
hoping for
another colour

my favourite actor
nothing less than perfect
my whole world, all i saw

but then you became something else
someone else
even though you were wearing the same mask
as you did when we first met

on the outside the same
but on the inside you changed
therefore i still watch you
as you perform in the crowded hallways

how do i heal from a loss of someone who hasn't died

my head feels so full
and so empty
at the same time
it feels like nothing
and everything
at the same time

i'm tired of
sounding like a
cliché
but probably even more
tired
of the fact that it's normal
to feel
what i feel
and to experience
what i have experienced

i know that they're
"small things",
but
you don't know
my world's
aspect ratio

through my eyes
you are black ink
on white paper

everyone else is
white ink
on white paper

the word "love"
does not exist
in the dictionary
that is me

oh my
all you dumb ******* boys
who see me
and think
'hm alright'
and meet me
and think
'she's funny'
maybe also cool and kind
but you guys
you're so ******* dumb
because you haven't really seen me
and you give me hope for
that someone would actually love me
but i know that it's a ******* lie
i hate you for giving me hope

i always approach new people
everyone thinks i'm just that social
but i'm actually just scared of boredom

i feel so bad
and i don't know how to change it
i write
i say i'm sorry
i'm sorry for dissapointing you
please forgive me
please dont hate me
i can't continue this

i feel like i'm walking on
air
too bad that it's
toxic

dear you
i wish i was beside you
the one to keep you warm at night
the one to give you comfort in life
and praise every single asepct of you
but i'm broken
and scared
my heart wants to come home
but it can't

after i posted a selfie
a boy from my small town wrote me
"were you always kind of sweet"
"you look good"
"come over ;)"
i answer
because i don't want to be rude
sadness and anxiety bubbles up inside of me
i hate this

you’re so fun and colourful

..yes, i know,
im compensating for the dullness inside

yes, i know

to me
new beginnings are just
old habits

i'm sick of this crush culture
where everyone wants to be in love with looks
and no one wants to be in love with personality

my gateway
is a sad song
and a single tear

i smile

i laugh

i cry

i'm no longer laughing
and the corners of my mouth have changed direction

why won't you stop?

you see me
as if i am perfect
but my dear
you have been blinded
by that kind heart of yours

all my life
i've been met by pain
and loss
loss of
family members
because they believed my lying father
loss of
a family friend
because he could no longer endure life
loss of
elderly rolemodels
because a sickness took them away
loss of
best friends
because i became too much of a wreck
and somehow
in the meantime
i lost myself

and you were my
unofficial prince
in my
unoficcial fairytale

the chalkboard chatters
in its different languages
ancient ways
am i supposed to understand?
understand all of this
it’s just chalkboard chatter
- not important to me
i’m important to them

i could make lines somewhere else

but i'm too persistent

and a little too proud

so i'll just type a little harder

i fear
and long for
recognition
at the same
time

a black beverage in front of me
alarming
but at the same time
exciting

i know that it's dangerous
especially to me
but i drink it anyways
in one go

and now i'm crying
black
you made me cry
i knew it would happen

i felt misplaced on this earth
and then i found home
in your heartbeat

i felt so empty inside
that i would rather feel like dying
than feel like nothing
so when my old friend came back
i greeted him with open arms
and it was comfortable
for a little while
but then it became unbearable
and i wanted him to leave
but i couldn't make him
and when he finally did leave

i felt so empty inside
that i would rather feel like dying
than feel like nothing
so when my old friend came back
i greeted him with open arms
and it was comfortable
for a little while
but then it became unbearable
and i wanted him to leave
but i couldn't make him
and when he finally did leave

i feel like i see
all the things that
you don't

Under my scalp
flows a river
from the outside you would think
that it's calm and lovely
the one you saw as a child
running, soothing
But my river is wild
and in spite of its wildness
so beautfiul
- because I see your face.
I see it in the waters surface
and the ghosts of our memories
flow with the stream
an endless turmoil

Normally the river wouldn't affect anything but the head
but now that you're gone
it flows out into my heart
-  into my hands,
that can no longer hold you
into my feet,
that no longer point in your direction
into my lips,
that haven't been quite satisfied since they last met yours.

My body runs over
I can't control the river
because you've filled it
it all runs over
and I cry

I cry when I don't have you.

maybe you
and i just were
n’t meant
to last
a friendship i
s a two way thing

maybe you forgot