My eyes see nothing but crosshairs
My right hand does nothing but clicks
In this cyberspace with no cares
Finally, happiness sticks

My ears hear nothing but bullets
My left hand does nothing but W,A,S,D
An experience that's as good as it gets
For at least a few hours, I'm free

My feelings are nothing but joy
My thoughts are nothing but video games
A place I can dominate a boy
Without having to say any names

Little by little
I come no closer to understanding
Why I long for closeness
(An introvert like me)

My friends might deny it
But I know
Why the dogs don't tug on their leashes
And why I never wave hello to their owners

There are moments when
I am reminded of a stranger saying
"It's difficult, huh?
Having a sister that's an extrovert?"

In the middle of the night I wake up thinking
"No, but what's difficult
Is wanting to be the best friend I can be
(An introvert like me)"

She laughed when I first told her
Only nine years old, my little sister
"Sometimes I feel more like men"
"Well, that makes me a frog, then!"
"But really, I'm not only a girl"
That's when she almost began to hurl
Her face scrunched up, she was crying
No longer thinking I was lying
"Don't worry, it sometimes lasts only a day"
She sniffed, "Will this go away?"
"It's always been here, nothing new"
"Tell mommy and daddy, they can help you"
I tried to explain how I felt
Took her face in my hands and knelt
"Sweetie, remember our secret game?
It's still me, I'll always be the same"
She nodded, finally eased
I told her my pronouns and was quite pleased
When daddy asked "What's my big girl up to"
She replied "He's really busy, lots to do"

Whenever I'm in pain
I just whisper
"I'm a Marine I'm a Marine I'm a Marine"
Because Marines are the strongest
The first to fight
The few, the proud
I can't wait until I claim the title
And live up to my name
But before that, I believe
I am a Marine
And the pain always lessens

Scrollin past ol’ conversations
and wonderin what it is I saw in him

the hate, the anger, the stupidity
the flaws, the unwillin’ness to change

somethin resuscitates deep within me an I struggle
to push it down so the regret don’t drown me
I made my choice--I love ‘im
there ain’t no backin down now

the look in his eyes, the curve of his lips
the broad chest yet untouched beneath his shirt
lookin at ‘im, I’d jest dive into it--no questions asked
turnin ‘round, I feel what he’s stitched of an I flinch

but I em unable to walk away from the choice I made

I can't explain it, the feeling
Like an open wound that isn't healing
Until the pain creeps from the ceiling
The love a gaping hole keeps stealing

And I don't understand why
The black-winged angels can't fly
Mother nature starts to cry
As the bodies swing goodbye

The Reaper knows what to take
Pleading mercy at the stake
Don't touch me or I'll break
Standing alone in its wake

Slipping between
Boredom and obsession
Love and clinginess
But I have a confession--
Without you I'm bored
Right out of my mind
You are my muse
And that's hard to find
Yes, I adore you
Always wanting to hang out
Just to be in your presence
That's what I'm all about
Don't be afraid
For I'm sure you have seen
This, I confess
Is what I'm slipping between

Whatever happened to chasing after your dreams?
All we are now are the butterflies, released
Because "if you love them, let them go"
Well, ***** ancient proverbs
I don't expect anything to come back
If it's been abandoned, you see

Looks like its going downhill from here
Yet I still gaze up to the heavens
Instead of the hell before me
I guess that's the torture of
Not knowing where you're going
When you're an optimist like me

"It's time to let go!"*
But I don't want to leave
The comfort of three years of familiarity
Or the chance that, maybe,
Things will go perfectly right

If I lose anchor
I may never find another land
To keep me grounded the way this one did
Yes, even as a sailor
I am terrified of isolation
And the certainty that no one will come out
To save me in the middle of the sea

There are
Empty chairs all around me
Wisps of people who were here
--But now aren't--
And yes, even the chair closest to me
Contains but the ghost of a person

Here,
I stand alone
For better or for worse
I stand alone
Among all these chairs

I must be brave
In my own presence
Content inside my own skin
Comfortable without a chair of my own
--Even in a room full of chairs--
Because I (must) stand alone

Whenever I steal a glance at you
No matter how fleeting the image is in my memory
The photographer in me comes to life, trying
Trying to note the focal point of your body
The light source
Shadows, colors, position
blink
The artist in me turns on, and
I secretly trace the outline of your shoulders
I recreate every single strand of your hair
On invisible paper
blink
The poet in me struggles to the surface, attempting
Attempting to describe the texture of the skin
I never touched, the lips I haven't kissed
Wanting to put into words feelings I can't even fathom
blink
All the while, the student in me desperately tries
Not to let the inevitable sigh escape from my lips
In the middle of class
Whenever I steal a glance at you

All the songs I'll never write
All the battles I won't fight
All the stories I can't tell
All the joy I'll never yell
All the pictures I won't take
All the art I can't make
All the kisses I'll never give
If I decide not to live

Forgive and forget
forgive and forget
forgive and forget!
I can't
I can't forgive, I can't forget
Yet I can barely remember
How it felt to be happy
Before meeting you

It pains me just to hear your name
Three years later and it's just the same
I can't even say I wonder anymore
The tears still fresh like they've just been tore
Your body can't feel the pain
It's just the voices inside my brain

Not even there and yet--
I hear you everywhere

What did I do WHAT DID I DO?

I'm not the daughter you want me to be
And I'm not the person I see
In my dreams, in my dreams
I wanna be less like you
More like me
Escape your hatred
Without looking back because
I'm not who we think I am
Yeah, that little girl you see--
That's not me, that's not me
Stuck in the side notes
Clashing the two boats
Getting away from you
That's what I have to do
To shatter the towers you built
Expectations you used to make--
They're fake, they're fake
I'll be myself tonight
And I'm ready for a fight

Comfortable
Talkative
Sensible
Intuitive

                  Witty­
                  Daunting
                  Giddy
             ­     Flaunting

                                       The best one
                                        I could pin
                                        Is second-to-none
                                        Win-win

You tainted this site with your fingertips
Your presence, your words
I came here as an escape--
Or a justification?
But you held me confined
And gave me no answers
Now I am back, but every megabyte screams your name
I hover over the search bar even though you have disintegrated
Yet I still expect your poems to make an appearance
To either kiss me like I would have wanted you to
Or stab me like I know too well you did
But nothing
Your existence has been wiped out
I have no reason to return to computerized data
Other than hoping you’d come around too

No, I will not be undecided
When those indecisions flourish
Into thorn bushes with no roses
Why should I stay insecure
If my doubts might dig a hole
For me to which be stashed in

I can already feel my strength faltering
Like looking up at the sky on a foggy day
With the sudden realization that
All the birds and planes are gone
And the sky is void of life

But I will not let the clouds hover
No, I made my decision
I love him, **** it, and no one else
The thorn bushes will not faze me
Shall I reach in the tangle
For a rose

Why do I show my love so often?

Cracked lips that
Barely whisper my name and
I still want to kiss them like
It's do-or-die

The question then becomes
Why don't you show your love more often?

They said, you like him
Even though you're "like a sister to him"
And even though you deny it
Yet they still say so

Do you, really? Think he's not your type?
When you keep insisting "he's such a nice guy"
And "give it a few years, he'll be hot as hell"
But then gag at the mention of being an item?

What if you do have feelings for him?
Oh, what a sly little trickster you'd be
To steal what your best friend loves
All the while shrugging at me for suggesting it

So, is what they say true?
What do you talk about when no one is around?
Should I be worried?
Or just let my thoughts rot
On dead trees and graphite?

You don't know fear until
The one place that always makes you happy
Is 4,425 miles away and
You wait as each passing day
Gets you closer to never seeing it again

You don't know fear until
The one person that always makes you happy
Won't even recognize you in 4 years and
You just look at them hoping
That will never come true

But it might.
And that's fear.

What makes best friends?
Is it the duo that outwardly click together
Or the unexpected secret bond between outcasts?
What even determines best friendship?
The time spent together laughing and growing
Or the depth in which we laughed and grew together?

Should we even dare to do so much as to
Claim one person as our favorite?

Are best friends there all the time
Or there for all the problems?
Could best friends be comfortable with
The shallow stuff or the meaningful stuff only?
Could someone's best friend not think of the other
As their best friend?
Does a best friend need to be someone you
Talk to in person only?
On computers only?
Or a mixture of both?

~
nudge, nudge
~
I'm ready to burst into laughter
This really brightens my day
And so every class thereafter
Goes just exactly my way

"Accidentally" moving my arm
Then waiting for me to return it
I fear it's doing both of us harm--
This game has got us out-witted

Kicking my foot from under the table
Gets a real kick outta me
And you'll know I'm actually able
To play along the way it should be

I didn't realize how much
I missed them
Until I looked into their eyes
Until they laughed
Until I held them tight in my arms

Even if just for a day

The birds, they're sleeping
Why are they
Sleeping?
Don't they know tomorrow
The sun will rise like
It has never risen, and the trees
Will sway as if they've never moved?
Don't they know, those birds
Tomorrow the river will flow like
Its power has awoken from a slumber, and
The fish will run rampant as if being rebellious?
Silly birds, don't they know
Not to fall asleep in midair, because--
Look! They're dropping like
There is a sudden wave of gravity--oh

The birds, they're dying
Why are they
Dying?

He doesn't actually like me the way he should
He's messing with fool's gold, not knowing
His golden love is fake

No, why should he
When he developed a crush from reading my words
Over the summer when I wasn't there
While he liked her for the ones she spoke
With a smile thrown across the lunch table?

You built a bridge out of straws, lover boy
And maybe one day it'll come crashing down
With me standing among the rubble saying
"I told you so, now **** it up"
And then you would realize you built a stone bridge
For her, not for me

But until then, I'm happy with the metal's shine
As long as you don't mind the pyrite
So that one day you can find the real gold
The one that lets you like me the way you should

The buzz that leaves my mind
gasping
My fingers
fumbling
The heat radiating off my neck
The small of my back where you touched me
Your hands shaking ever so slightly
and me
enjoying that movement