all numb
as if the skin forgot it was mine
as though the breath forgot it was borrowed
as though the hands forgot they used to reach for something
even if it was just the edge of a table
the corner of a thought
the warmth of a name I used to say without flinching
I sat in the car for hours once
engine off, keys in lap
watching the condensation on the windshield
pretending it was rain
pretending it was movement
pretending it was anything but me
I remember the way my voice used to sound
before I started hearing it through cotton
before I started answering with silence
before I started forgetting what I was supposed to feel
when she said “I love you”
and I said “okay”
there was a time I could cry
not perform it, not squeeze it out as toothpaste
but really cry
the kind that made my ribs ache
and made me feel I was being wrung out
as though a shirt soaked in grief
but now
I just blink
and wait for the feeling to arrive
as though a late train
as though a friend who said they’d come
but didn’t
I tried to write a letter once
to myself
to the version of me that still believed in things
such as healing
forgiveness
and the possibility of being understood
but the pen felt heavy
and the paper looked too clean
and I didn’t want to ruin it with my half-formed apologies
It felt
as if I had something to push against your chaos
now it’s just
static
white noise
a room full of pillows
soft, suffocating
quiet
I keep saying I’m fine
because it’s easier than explaining
that I’m not sad
not angry
not broken
just
all numb
and I don’t know if that’s better
or worse
or simply
what I’ve become

you told me you were *******.... you said it like I meant so much to you, but I did know the truth, I know you probably say that to everyone, I was just the girl who was there that night, wrong place wrong time sort of thing.
you kept saying everything I wanted to hear, or everything you thought I wanted to hear.... but you were wrong, you were wrong when you said sorry about how I'm not with that guy anymore, when you held my hand or got me water, I was drunk, it was an opportunity that was to easy for you, you were wrong when you laughed and called me perfect, everything was so wrong....
those lies that leaked through your teeth were toxic to my bloodstream, I had heard them a million times
so you say your *******, that I'm different but I know it's a lie don't say your the one ******* when I feel like I'm gonna die.

the moon forgot  
how to be round tonight  
and i
i misplaced my name  
somewhere between  
your shoulder blade  
and the breath  
that almost said  
stay

(why do clocks insist  
on knowing everything  
about leaving)

i tried to write  
but the letters curled inward  
petals afraid of morning  
and the sentence  
ran away  
with the silence

you were never a person  
you were a parenthesis  
i stepped into  
and never stepped out of

the sky  
is not blue  
it’s memory  
trying to remember  
how to feel

i loved you  
a comma  
pausing before  
the thought  
that never arrived

and if i could  
unbutton the stars  
i’d fold them  
into paper cranes  
and send them  
to the version of me  
that didn’t forget  
how to feel

but i did  
and you did  
and the world  
keeps spelling itself  
wrong

I have signed a form
That I can’t turn back from.
I have raised a hand

Of which

cannot be undone.

I have held a blood-stained blade
That’s ruined another,
Scars, wounds, words and all,
Isn’t red a horrible colour?

Isn’t red a horrible colour?

I have made a deal with the devil
And it's given me a choice:

Be the monster
I always have been
Or
Fix myself
With a roll of dice,

Stain my hair
Bronze, silver and gold
Or
Dig through the dirt
At my feet,

Bite my tongue and
Hold my throat
Or
Clasp my hands together,
On my knees.

Isn’t red a beautiful colour?

What did I do that was so wrong?
I just loved you
And you made me regret it...
Yet you still found a way to make it my fault