In less than a second
and for no reason at all
I'll revert
to who I was
before I felt fixed.
Or perhaps not turn,
just remember
that I am still just half
of my whole.
Or not remember,
just forget
and sink into a sickness,
the bad habits
that still linger.
But regardless of the reason
suddenly and all at once
I slip back into a state
I worked so hard for so long
to escape.
Watch my labours unravel
and realize I am no better
than I was then.
The facade cracks
and the feelings flood
the infection set loose.
It starts in my stomach
turns my blood black
sinks my chest in
so that I can't breathe
and don't want to.
It numbs my toes and my fingers
draws the very idea of happiness
out of me
as I exhale
and wish it was my last.
then my brain stalls
immersed in a fog
eyes unwilling to focus,
unable to focus,
on anything but the pitch inside
bubbling in my throat
suffocating me
my mind becomes possessed
by thoughts that are mine
but not in my control
making my world spin
in the circles
my thoughts trace
the dam behind my eyes burst
and my feelings wash over me
out of me
and suddenly I want nothing to do with you
nothing ever to do with you
never to see you
to ask you to please take your leave
since you've left me anyways
so that I never have to feel like this again
never suddenly feel again
the hole you carved
for yourself
the empty place
you left behind
please never again
see all the love you poisoned
never feel it course through my veins
realizing the love had nowhere to go
but circulate within me
trying to run from me
run to you
slicing exits
for my red love to leave
so I don't have to feel
the pain within
just the pain that's real
please let go
I can see our futures in an instant
how much it will hurt to see you
move on
and how much it hurts
to realize
I have not
from my stationary spot
in my living lie
that I tell myself
so that I get up in the morning
with the courage to survive the day
the day that includes you
will always include you
and it hurts so much
of course it hurts so much
still
will
for a while.
I blink and it's over.
Colour rushes back into my world.
Life rushes back into my body.
I smile,
and laugh,
and thrive
in this new normal
even if a part of me knows it isn't.
