I have a scar on my right hand, directly below my ******* knuckle.
It is from my teeth digging into my skin while I shoved my fingers down my throat.
It is from me trying to rid myself of hate,
To rid myself of ugly.
To rid myself of the thought that, "I am not worthy if I am fat".

It has been exactly 1 year and 3 months since I last forced myself to *****.
And I can tell.
I can see every single calorie that was not purged,
Every single pound that my body has held on to,
And every single ***** look in the mirror.

But for some reason, you don't see that.
You undress me and you call me beautiful.
It makes me want to *****.
You touch me and i flinch.
You tell me you love me and I ask how?

The only time I feel worthy is when I'm gagging into a toilet bowl with swollen eyes.

If I stop eating
will by body grow thin enough
that I could unravel?
That I could pick
at all these snagged imperfections
puckering my skin
until one comes loose
and I can pull it until I am entirely undone?
Until I tumble to the ground and blow away?

If i stop eating
will this rumbling
fill up my whole body?
Will this hunger,
that gnaws at my stomach,
grow larger than I have ever been?
Grow large enough to swallow me up?
To eat me whole
and dissolve me into nothing?

And then wander on....
a howling desolation
where a human used to be
that grows more grotesque
each moment.
Who's appetite grows continually
more appalling,
until it has consumed everything that surrounds it,
until it stands alone in a wasteland howling,
screeching,
disfiguring itself
until it dies from starvation, or auto-cannabalism
or until it is put down
like a rabid animal.

the heat in the pit of my stomach
is so familiar,
tears run down my cheeks
when I try to suppress it

water is gasoline
and i'm steady drinking it.

my necklace is noose,
i'm waiting to slip.

my bracelets as razors,
pressed up against me.

cigarettes as car exhaust
when i watch it fill the dead air,
i breathe deeper.

and i stop all together.
there was something about
feeling close to death.

i search for that feeling on the edge of tall buildings.

and i'm always on the edge.

your warm breath against
my skin
your fingers tracing my ******* roughly

one of your hands move
lower
intruding my space

this is not right
i do not want you here
i do not want you in my body

i say nothing
hoping you would read my mind
take a hint from my pleading eyes

my insides curl
as you take away my innocence

i am no longer myself
who i am...
is you

I.

There are parts of this story
Written for me only
Chapters not to be read aloud,

II.

The tears on the pillow
Moonlight illuminating the dew
Silent cries in the quiet hours

III.

The endless screams
Muted to the world
But piercing and agonising in my head

IV.

Blood in the bathtub
Blades hidden 3rd drawer down
Scars decades old that no one has ever seen

V.

All of these small chapters;
The little hidden tragedies
Of my short, bright life

Deep down, 50 feet underwater
down, down
in the depths of the water did your brother drown

And did you cry for him? did you mourn his loss?
watching your momma take a needle to arm if only to forget

Knowing that she lays on her back to pay the bills
son, where is your father?

Your tears became scars, your hurt became claws

And there you are tearing my apart, ripped at the seams
places I can't be touched, they can't see

I didnt mean to let you in,
I didn't know better

Too young to understand,
looks too grown for her own good

Oh dear boy you have a beast in your heart

Ripped my skin apart, but have no evidence to prove it
beyond it all, you had already won

You didnt need to **** me, and you didnt
you didnt need to touch me, oh but you did

Oh, you have a beast in your heart
poor boy, a beast in your heart

today i discovered that the rates for suicide are higher than those for homicides. people want to **** themselves more than they desire to **** another. there are homicidal maniacs running amok - hellbent on ending another human life. while the number of individuals who are hellbent on ending the only life they possess, excels.
death is everywhere, and unending. and inevitable. yet preventable.
i paused and felt heavy inside of my heart, the millions of lives that were taken on their own free will.

my internal therapist is telling me to not write this poem
to not dwell on damaged thoughts, there's no fixing them, dear.
so maybe not.
maybe i'm not writing this poem to try to fix my broken thoughts
maybe i just want peace maybe i am hurting and writing this poem is the only way i know how to wade through the swamp of pain you've thrown me in
two years ago this week, i was getting ready to see my sister marry her best friend
i was bright eyed, had a mane of hair i couldn't tame, excited about life
i was joking with some new friends i'd made about one of them crashing the wedding
i was about to meet Anxiety for the first time
now here i am, shorter hair, sitting with my laptop perched upon sweatpant clad, starved, legs, my fingers not moving fast enough over the keys, i'm tired.
Anxiety and I have taken our relationship to the next level and he visits me often, particularly at night when I'm thinking about you
Anxiety gets jealous, punishes me, forces me to think about your words while suffocating me
i'm tired
i'm afraid that lies about me still flood your mind and i can't change that
i want to talk to you, have a conversation, ask you why
i've apologised and still i will say i am sorry because i am
why do you loathe me so much
i've had people tell me to get over myself, over you, over the situation and i'm trying
but i've never had someone do what you did to me and i'm hurting still this pain i wonder, did you intentionally do it to bring me down?
you've must've known what with my history of attention seeking self harming downward spiral
i never did it for attention
i've taken to numbing myself, last night i dug around my art supplies box for the set of extra blades my sister in law gave me for my pencil sharpener for christmas
i'm not sharpening anything, there isn't anything to sharpen
my friend tells me not to do it, that it doesn't do me any good long term
because that's what i'm dealing with right? long term pain?
sleepless nights and anxiety attacks
sadness i can't escape from
saying no when my niece asks me to play sorry willow i'm tired i'm so tired
so maybe my blades won't bring me long term salvation
maybe two years in therapy won't help but that's okay i was in there anyway for the big mess of my life that you told me to get over
maybe i don't care and am going to treat my thighs as cutting boards because temporary sanity is sanity and i've lost my head as it is
my therapist on wednesday will tell me to forget you
and i will try
and i will fail
i don't know why i'm writing this poem
i'm a crazy believer in better things
how this poem will make things better is beyond me but hey
sue me for trying to see hope in the little things
how artless of me
the artist in me, pain(ting)
-
-z.z

Suicide, I thought,
would be my stage exit

(left)

until the pills got stuck in my throat, the doctors got stuck into my heart

pounding, their television screens bleeping

bringing me back
to Hell

when I was just a
step away

from Heaven