Void in a world
Where everyone is
At their own throats

Tearing each other
Apart, visualizing

That
They're the only
One that's suffered

And you're the
One crying

In a twist, they
Twist and take
The knife

And stab
Themselves
Right back

They just want
To see who
Can bleed more

And see
If you come
Running back

With your
Heart

Bruised and
Under attack

You try to lift
yourself up

But you forgot
How to feel

And you've reached
critical mass

You just
want to break down

From all
the surroundings

And what
brought you hell

Don't let them get closer

Because
You can't be too careful
Anymore

All I want was a shelter to feel comfortable with.
A warmth that you felt safe.
Trust for mutual understanding.
  And the pleasure you fully pledge to.  
  
    Seems like loving someone at this age makes us feel unsafe and unsecured, and mostly – at times, temporary.

Never did I try to guess,
Or ever pretend to know,
The places you would retreat to,
The places I could never go.

Silent, you would disappear,
And, silent, you'd return.
No questions asked, no trust betrayed,
I simply had to learn.

It never was… personal.
It never was… yours to tell.
It never was…  my place to ask,
It never was, but it’s just as well.

It never passed from between our lips,
Or a friendly, reassuring touch.
“And that's ok”, you told me once.  
“Don’t  be afraid”,  “You worry too much”.

Never did I fault your wishes,
And my loyalty was never a whim.
I never doubted your kind heart,
And never did I falter, my friend.

If you were really my best friend,
you'd know that all I needed was
for you to be there for me.
I didn't need to know the truth.
I already knew I had ******* up.
I just needed you to assure me
that everything would be okay.

But instead, you were there for him,
acting like what I went through wasn't hard,
telling me how much I messed up,
assuring me that everything that happened was
my fault.

True friends don't do that.
Ex-friends do.

they say
trust your
instincts yet
trusting you
with all of my heart
proved them all wrong

Part of me wants to hold the pain
the way I wish I could hold you
it feels more productive
than letting go.

How can I allow
the process, the universe, god
to take care of itself, when there is pain?

As if the preoccupation with the possibilities,
will protect you more than my prayers
as if the pain were a sentinel.

I hold the pain as a dagger.
Stabbing into the darkness, into the void.
Fending off invisible foe, parrying against suffering.

No one leaves life unscathed, and so I fail you.
I cannot protect you from life.
My honor is tarnished.

My love, please know,
I will be here when you are happy,
And especially when you are sad, scared, lonely.

When life bears down, and the weight is too much,
I will be here, prying apart the dimensions,
As an anchor to reality

My precious one,
You are beloved since always.
This love has always been, and always will be.
When all returns to the great silence,
This love remains eternal.

isn’t that I trust people too easily
there’s nothing wrong with trusting people
I just start expecting too much in return
like trust
++++++++++++++++++
I think my problem
is that I just desire
reciprocation
++++++++++++++++++
I don’t know if I’m able to give less
and still feel happy
but if I’m always giving and giving and giving
I feel like I deserve to receive
or at the very least
like I don’t deserve to give

Sometimes when I look into the storms, I see Jesus.
But sometimes I just see my fears
competing for the pleasure of being the first to swallow me.
It's typical of me to see more of the slap of the waves
hear more of the thunder clap
and miss his soft song.
It's typical of me
to stare too long into the jaws of the gale
and to miss the arms that bring calm
- to listen too intently at the fury
and miss the whisper of his promised peace
- to sail deep into the shadows of the storms,
catching the detail
and not share in the warmth of the rising sun.

Sometimes when I face the storms, I see Jesus.
Sometimes.