it would have been 7 years today
i don't think about you much anymore
but you still cross my mind some days
usually when i'm alone
i'm not sure why

i'm not sure why
i read through our messages for hours the other day
noticing things i didn't notice back then
like how you'd only call me baby when you were *****
you'd say you want me, not that you miss me
you'd say you wanted to kiss me, not hug me
you'd want me in your bed, not in your arms
i didn't notice how every time you seemed loving and enthusiastic
the conversations would always turn to ***
i never recognised the pattern
just excited that you seemed to want to talk to me
rather than the short responses i'd grown accustomed to
but the other shoe always dropped

i don't know how i didn't notice
how you became less interested in how i was doing
and more interested in what i was doing
how i'd spend more and more of my time with you naked
because it seemed to be what you wanted
and if we weren't, you felt distance
and i just wanted closeness
maybe i did notice but i ignored it
i'm not sure why

i'm not sure why
you broke things off
you said i deserved better
you said it wasn't fair to me
you said you didn't want to commit
you said a relationship wasn't right for you right now
you said you saw us more as best friends who also sleep together
you said you loved me but not enough
you said i was the best thing that's ever happened to you
you said you couldn't have me anymore
all after i travelled 6 hours to see you
you greeted me so happily
you used my body all day
and then
that

and i hate
that i begged
and i bargained
that i tried to convince you
to love me
to stay with me
and i let you keep using me
the rest of the weekend
as if that would help
as if that would change anything
as if that would close the chasm between us
i'm not sure why

i'm not sure why
i feel disgusted with myself
even now
i mean,
no, i didn't want to
i wasn't in the mood
i was never in the mood for anything
i never had the energy
but i did it for you
and i initiated it half the time
because i just wanted passion from you
but why did i have so little self respect
maybe i'm the reason it ended
maybe i did this to myself
debasing myself to please you
to keep you close
but, all the while, reducing my worth in your mind
maybe it felt okay to you
because i'd treated myself the same way
putting you above myself all the time
so maybe you did too

it would have been 7 years today
and i don't know how to feel
you turned into someone i don't recognise
maybe so did i
but i got better
i got my energy back
i don't want what you gave me anymore
i don't know why i ever did
i can't make myself hate you
but i hate what you did
and i hate myself even more for allowing it
for entertaining it
we were just kids
but i thought you wouldn't exploit me like that
but i guess i allowed it
so who's worse
who's to blame
i'm not sure

I saw the Christian men, doing Christian things.
A martyr Larp for some, and yet others more genuine.

I told them I respected their courage, if not their faith.
This was not a lie. There is something admirable in conviction..

They prayed for me, hands on my shoulders..
To whom, and for what, I did not know, nor did I care.

But a man should know what he would die for, and then live for it.

These Christians are simple people but not completely without a point, nor without some warmth.

I’ve met worse Christians than these..
..They’ve met worse heathens than me.

slumped in a slump at the keyboard
slumped at the kitchen table drinking coffee that doesn't wake me up, but rattles my brain a little and makes my heart beat dizzy and yes, this is what being an adult is
even though i woke up at noon and have nothing to do
slumped scoliosis at 28 but still feeling 18 and still living at home because i can't see myself ever fending for myself or driving or functioning or being alive, but at least i eat healthy
slumped in a chair at a new psychiatrist to talk about the same things i've said too many times before that it doesn't even feel like it happened to me but to someone in a ****** sitcom
slumped waiting for a new diagnosis that won't be covered by Medicare since i'm an adult
slumped over a register taking coffee orders under too-bright lights wearing a monkey-suit of a bow-tie and vest
slumped in a slump at a piece of paper feeling like i'm just whining now so i'm going to stop and finish my coffee.