i
think
myself
sick,
sometimes.
there are these old memories i have of us;
i swear they're more heartwarming
than any romcom film.
on wednesday you kissed my forehead and
it made me feel wanted, at least for a few seconds.
i want to know why you can cheat on her with me
but you can't leave her for me.
you told me i was enough
yet here i am scrambling to find anything
that can mask the pieces that are missing from me.
i want to be whole for you.
is she whole?
does she know you're not holy?
*******,
i want to make you whole.

anxiety is like my shadow: it's hard to get rid of, especially when it's bright outside.
but you see, just like the brightness, it always comes back.
always lingering. always ******* lingering.
lingering when i talk to people on the phone, lingering when i'm at the store, at a restaurant, at school, at, at home, in my own head.
i can't get rid of the shaking.
i can't get rid of the sobbing late at night because i think something horrendous is going to happen.
i can't get rid of the urge to get out of my own head.
i can't get rid of the constant feeling of worthlessness that has made a permanent home in my brain, in my bones, in my skin.
it's everywhere.
everywhere everywhere everywhere everywhere.
maybe i can get rid of it. maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe.
pills, they say.
therapy, they say.
mental hospital.
pills. pills. pills. pills. pills. pills. pills. therapy. therapy. therapy. therapy. mental hospital mental hospital.
just cope.
just breathe. just breathe. just breathe.
just calm down. just calm the **** down. calm down. calm down. calm the hell down.
please leave. please leave. please leave. please leave. please leave.
please.

My
      thoughts
                 are
distorting
     my
         feelings
someone
              say
                  I'm
        ­              
dreaming..

sometimes I think about how this time last year I drew you from memory every time I closed my eyes
but if you asked me to draw you now I would forget how to pick up a pencil

I think it's been a year since I took that road trip with Trevor. How lucky am I that was able to experience such serendipitous, powerful love.
The sun setting in Big Sur was every color imaginable, and the beach we stopped on was too real to even describe. I feel so lucky. I keep crying.
It was better than anything I could've ever come up with, because it was real. It was nice. I couldn't even allow myself to feel happy, the floodgates were open and joy just poured out of me.
That was 1 year ago today. My hair is longer and splitting in all different directions, and I'm beginning to notice how dry my skin is. I don't really take my tea with sugar anymore and I'm worried about how big my **** looks in most pants. I water some plants every day and I get to live in a tiny yellow house. I have lots of friends that I'm extremely grateful for that like ***** and **** and nothing and everything in between or around. My flight back home this morning was short. What can I say, I don't want to talk about it.

A little song bird is in my heart and every once in a while I let it sing as it catches on fire. Meanwhile, I think I'm slowly learning how to pet cats. They've got a little scruff around their necks that one can knead and grab.

I got everything I've ever wanted

You sat next to me in quietude
But your heartbeats called me deafeningly
Reluctant to hear your voice rupture
While I waited for my name to echo stoically  

You sat next to me in quietude  
But you fought the guilt inside you solely
Tackled it with a valiant front  
As I watched you succumb inside me spiritually  

You sat next to me in quietude
Acknowledging we love semovedly
You succumbed harder in your world
And I succumbed in return silently

You know I love you
You know what makes me smile
And what makes me cry
You know what brings me laughter
Even what makes me sigh
More importantly
You know what's gonna break my heart...

But still... You did...

The moon is really bright tonight
we're partially drunk and having
a fight.

*All that I know is the moon knows why.