You'll never be her

She was my first. She was my first date, my first love, the first one I wanted to build a home and have a family with.

Her face was the first to meet my family. Heck, she became part of our family. She was the first girl my mother loved for me.

She too was my first heartbreak; the first one to build me up and break me down. Her knowledge of me was the same as my knowledge of myself.

But she too will never be you.

She'll never be the one who picked me up when I thought I was never going to get back up.

No matter what she does, she'll never be able to love me as much as you do. She'll never know me more than I know myself like you do. She could never make me realize that I'm worth more than I think I am. She could never make me feel any happier and more contented like you could.

My love, know that you should never compare yourself to my past. There's a reason why she's there and you're here with me right now. The reason is because you are the one I love.

You are a gift from above. You are my present. Everyday I pray that you remain my present when tomorrow comes, and God knows I would do anything to keep you.

So do not bother yourself about it. Shed your worries away, for as much as you'll never be her, she will never be you.

For the past two years, I've written parts of this in my mind and it never felt right to put pen to paper until now.
I needed to reach a place of peace and full forgiveness to fully express to you the language of my heart, in a way that would voice transparently true and real.
Whether I ever send this to you or not, it's finally on a tangible form of matter and emptied from my busy mind and heart, making room for more of what matters.
I hope this finds you well.

Written below is life.

The fear, desolation, loss, pain, abandonment, loneliness, sickness, regrets, rejection and utter disbelief, became a platform for growth.
Stretching my mind and heart to endure more than I thought I could handle and the belief that I could possibly die from a heartbreak, built me.
You've missed out on beauty.
Watching Gavin grow from the daily tears of losing his pawpaw and wondering when you were going to come back, to the occasional question about his past and he's grown into already completing multiplication equations at the age of 6. He aspires to be a paleontologist and travel the world, with a map tacked large across his bedroom wall, nestled in our home, the one that overflows with unconditional love. That allows breakdowns to happen, because we've all been there. He's come from daily tears to hilarious mannerisms and has a personality that every person, from his barber to his Taekwondo instructor, have fallen in love with. He still wakes up to silly songs every morning and is known as Best Buddy because he's the best boy that's ever lived. He knows he  is loved, despite the small ache that I know still gnaws at his tender heart from time to time and I've built a community of strength around him to assure him that he's safe.
Emily has grown into a strong beautiful almost woman. She's already chosen a career path and she strives daily to achieve small goals in order to reach the large ones. Mapping out her sophomore and junior year to be completed in one with home studies, and I'm amazed at her drivenness. She is kind, sincere, forgiving, understanding, smart and wonderfully gracious and thoughtful. She battled with severe anxiety after losing our home and went through months of cognitive therapy and medications to help her sleep. To now having voluntarily stopping the therapy, weening off of the medication, working out daily, eating healthy and taking on multiple babysitting jobs. This life pain has taught her that people make mistakes, that nothing in life is certain and to cling to your family tight because it's all that matters.
Kaitlyn still has her peculiar Ramona Quimby mischievous traits and never fails to ask the same mind boggling questions at the most in-opportune times. She's as tall as Emma and is drop dead beautiful. Her grades are exceptional and she's passionate about fitness and loves her friends. She was one of three 6th graders to make the competitive cheer team at her school, that cut 15 girls at tryouts.
What I Love most about her is her genuine thankfulness. Every time I check out a register at the grocery store or buy her things as simple as a toothbrush, she expresses gratitude like no one I've ever known.

The sleepless nights spent tossing and turning crying myself to sleep, replaying the story over and over in my head, have now turned to bright beautiful mornings.

I wake up to a person that makes it his daily goal to remind me that I matter & that I'm loved.
He's endured the tears flooded that followed with anxiety drenched vomiting, held me and told me that I'm the most beautiful, even in those states.
He's made me laugh from deep down in the belly, accepted all of my flaws and encouraged me like, never before.
He hides notes throughout the house and in my personal belongings so that I'll read them. In hopes that the words he's written will sink into my subconscious, the same way that the ink sunk into the paper and I'll finally believe my worth.

So, thank you.
For pushing me out.
For giving me the opportunity to see even more immense beauty in my children, forcing my heart to become bold and strong and giving me the die or fight strength to blossom into the Fierce woman that I've become.
I needed to prove you wrong when you spoke words of death over my life, "you're children will never amount to anything, because they have you as a mother".
Every new friend that I meet and families we befriend, are in awe of my relationship with my children and always congratulate me on having raised them into kind respectful people.
Thank you, for shaking my life so heavily that I was able to really know who God is, more deeply than ever. Forgiveness became a whole new meaning to me and my kids watched as all of the pieces healed and they've been able to heal right along side of me. Loving flawed and leading with love has become a staple of our home and lives and this learned trait will be inherent within them for the remainder of their lives. So once again, thank you.
I am where I'm supposed to be.
It's not unfinished business.
The pain is almost fully healed and I'm grateful to have experienced the pain and loss.
So that I can grasp what's at hand whole heartedly.
The sun still continues to rise, as you used to say and the morning fog lifting daily stripped the hardness from my heart.
You came into my life for a reason and a season and I wish you nothing but prosperity, love and happiness. Best wishes on the remainder of your life journey and I hope you have found peace, love and all of the wonderful joys that God freely gives.
Farewell.

Sincerely,

Natasha Ivory Evans

My soul is the canvas you had been painting all your dreams on but couldn't wait for them to dry.
Colors consuming me while you're getting black and white.

You would say,
If It were so.
Remind me
To grab a coat,
For the chill and snow.
If cash was tight
We'd be home at night.
If she didn't make the cut,
Forgot her lines,
Or missed the shot,
There was no sugar-coat,
You said it straight
If it were so:
Girls, you're doing fine.
Today is was, not now.
Wait til next time.
If it were so,
You'd say.
So say you love me
One last time,
So I can let you go.

He desired more than my body – he wanted my heart
We are both bared to each other completely with nothing but skin
Our bodies entwined to one another, nothing but love in our hearts
He loved me, made love to me , and thanked what Higher Power could be named that I was still by his side, as he softly whispered, "Please be mine."
If I could only explain, my feelings out loud without the fear of hurting you
I don’t love you
Yet my love has changed because of you
But I look into tomorrow; I don't see you by my side
It's hard to explain or maybe it's just you
I don’t think I can honestly stay committed to you
I meant seriously we are a "couple" or perhaps I feel empty and search for more
I love another
But I still can't explain my inner turmoil without breaking your heart
I know I care but not like before
I think this may well be a finale
All this time I've been thinking
I realized you're not for me
My uncounted tears
They aren't for you

I find myself thinking about him
Even during the few encounters we have
He appreciates my inner demons
Something you have never seen!

My uncounted tears
They come from my heart
My heart reaching out to another

once, you were the stars that would float through my veins and form constellations
my head was filled and i was drowning in the sickly sweet words that spilled from your mouth
i would hold on to every breath, the cotton candy clouds that filled my lungs when i looked at you
but the sun rises and the stars disappear
you stopped your words and instead i choked on the empty air
because the clouds cleared and all that was left was the sensation of being ripped from my body
and looking back to see a broken glass bottle that spilled black ink

Instead, I give you

simple tragedies;

how you will
never remember everything
and the more you live the
more there is forgotten.
Sewn optical cords
seeing the reimagined
through blurry suspicion,
stifling doubt, and
****** buttons.

Metallic words
cutting skin like butter.
The knives will sink
slowly into our
chests and we will be
exactly too far away
from anyone to
do anything about it.

How convenient.

A set of hands,
their cross-stitched fingers
frayed at the ends,
entangling. Still,
they will stumble
to pick up the pieces,
to fix the seaming
in the strings.

I have always wondered
what it would
feel like.....  
to enjoy the idea
of aging alongside you...  
as we watched our dreams
learn to walk by themselves
as we question
if whether or not
patience would recognize
Its very beginning
in our souls ..
just enough
to give it a taste
of our world....
look...  
I'll hold onto
your memories
as if they were
the smoke
from the cigarette
I have just inhaled
as if it weren't
somehow slowly
trying to **** me
on the inside ..
I'll watch the sky
and lose myself
in the shallow winds
as smoothly as it
brushes against my cheeks
almost as if
they were trying
to take a peak
into my solitude
it feels pleasant sometimes
like sort of
getting to hear yourself think
and I've been thinking...  
I want a love
that goes beyond
******* in the front yard .  
my heart
doesn't have
an on and off switch ....
do you know.   ?
what have you been feeling
looking back
on all of this?
I'm not sure
if you were mine
for the pain or the insanity
knowing I was
a hopeless romantic
who couldn't wait
to fall in love
as if I was a young girl
playing in the mud puddles
and lords knows
how much
I had a thing for rain
I always seemed
to fall like it
broken and hopeless . .
willing to fall for anyone
Or anything
that stood in the open
long enough to catch it...  
that was you...  
and I...  
in love...  
once upon a time
-Thembekile Kilay Deh'Poet Tsaoane