Three words whispered by someone
in the past were drifting behind my eyes:
“Don’t embarrass yourself.”
  
Trigger-induction, hypnotic phrase
stiffening my muscles,  
getting stuck in my legs.

These words make me straighten up
just in case, to avoid becoming a farce,
to not risk interior pain.

I walked through the narrow hallway
some stories were explained,
others remained in the pharynx
of watchful colossal squid.

I’m a broken record,
a sponge drinking salt drops.
Hidden, desiring wishes used  
not to be said.

Self-censorship is an easy way.
Just with a bit of self-irony,
I try to play fair; I try to play safe.

Stamping my tiny, rumpled ticket
joining a collective perfect match,
even if I don’t fit into this craziest crowd.

Until now, when through the crack,
the water has gone untamed,
refusing to return to the flood control dam.

I’m afraid of what will be next
when the water swallows
my piece of comfort la-la land.

Caught asking myself
to go where there is real music
or stay in an illusory state.

When I was a girl
my mother trained me to be docile.
"If you ignore them, they will move on" she would say,
brushing the comb through my hair as I whined at every knot she pulled.
I learned to shrink,
to be an unworthy target left less blood in my mouth.
I learned to hide,
if they could not see me there would be no meat for them to pull from my bones.
I learned to be afraid,
because fear is the instinct that has left us alive.

When I was 15,
they told me I was strong
as my spine curved
to keep my head below the water
and the sun off my face,
but the more child-like my disposition
the more they wanted to hear me scream.

Now I am a woman
who pulls her hair into buns because they are harder to grab
and I no longer whine as I pull through the knots
but my eyes still water at the sting.
I have been labeled a *****
rude
bossy
annoying
but I would rather be a ***** than dead.

I used to think shrinking would make me undesirable
but being small did not stop them from devouring me.
So I have grown fangs through this smile,
made myself too big to consume
if they want to eat me
they will have to eat me as I am,
with all my sharpened edges and tough skin.
I am the woman who has grown fangs
and I will not make myself small and easily digestible for anyone anymore.
You may consume me,
but you will bleed for it.

You're the type of person
who can stir up all my feelings.
You're always there, in my thinking,
wandering around.

It's okay,
It's safe,
For you to be there,
For me to have you there,
So let's just keep it there.

There's a knot in the base of my throat.
It plants itself and grows roots inside my lungs.
A thought escapes and the roots ****** against my chest and I'm struggling to breath.
My eyes blurred the world leaving me with distorted images that mix with bleeding colors.
I sit there frozen.
What is this body that leaves me numb?
I despise the thought of being another broken.
Why can't I make my thoughts look prettier?
I couldn't give it what it needed.
I searched for it in the exchanges of whispers as I laid my body down for the boys who wanted their turn.
I searched for it in the moon that illuminates my hair.
It was the only thing I could count on when I looked up.
I dreamt that it would take me in the purple clouds if I could just swing high enough.
Floating like a feather but my heart full and heavy from the moonlight.
But I haven't swung in so long and these roots keep growing.
Weighing my chest down more and i'm scared i'll never get to fly.