Sleep did not come
and his stomach was a sea
of acid festering on the rotting
husks of swallowed lies
and quarantined pain

objects too sharp to fit into any
puzzle strewn over
carpeted floor   they lie in wait
to **** their tithe

Every one a knife

every stab a cruel joke
painting him into the corner
where he belongs.

one. bury your feelings so deep that they infiltrate your lungs and make it impossible to breath. let them asphyxiate you, suffocate you, but don't let them overcome you.

two. act like you're fine. lie through your teeth until you believe your own stories. let your lies become you; become your lies.

three. hate yourself. blame yourself. after all, it's your **** fault for falling in love. *******.

four. hate him. blame him. after all, it's his **** fault for making you fall in love with him. **** that.

five. deny it. you never had feelings. you're a ******* rock.

six. give up. you're in love.

im so weak in the knees
i want to drop to the floor
and pray
for forgiveness?
for redemption?
for a subtle nudge in the right direction?
i don't deserve the good but
maybe i don't deserve worst
just something right between holy
and just desserts

Sitting behind a computer screen
Trying not to succumb to the temptations of self-loathing
Media has become the cause of my downfall
And the primary causation of self infliction
For months and years I thought and believed
That I was fine, that I was okay
But the slightest contemplation of death
Still brought me relief
I find my fingers running through the keys and letters
Scrolling past every page and article
The demons feed on the lack of confidence
The low self-esteem
And I, the degraded human being
I still set a goal for non-existence
A perfection too impossible to achieve
Yet I know that I’ll always be another face in the crowd
Another flame that’s about to die out
Another girl with too many scars,
Another girl bound to fall apart

n.j.

Turn up the silence and block out the sun,
Alone in my room, a bottle and a gun.
It goes click twice, I'll see another day,
Tears start to fall, can't carry on this way.

Every day she lies
To herself and the world around her
She puts on makeup too dark for her bright eyes
She keeps her mouth closed for when it opens
Its a web of lies
You could say she's so good she's convinced herself
Every morning she wakes in a disguise
She's the kind of sick you can't ever fix
She's a bundle of lies
She's dead inside

That confident and bubbly person I was yesterday?
She's gone now
She was too fake to live long in this world
But I'm here. You can call me bipolar

I'm asking myself,
Am I in the right place
Should I really be here
Did I make the right choice
or am I just looking at the wrong angle
Am I really that fed up
or maybe I just need a pause to think clear
Do I really hate what I do
or maybe I'm just doing it wrong
failures keep on summing up
bad results that are hard to fix
domino effect
Are they bluffing with me,
or maybe I'm just too stubborn to listen
to what they had to say
I'm trying to read between the lines
opinion and advice
Anxiety strikes
Is this called self loathing
seems like I don't trust myself like before
Not that confident and always sure to what I do..
Like everything is not falling in the right place

Congratulations.
You have done it –
Created such a spectacular façade
no one will even try
to see what’s behind it.
No one will get a peek
at the wreck you are within.
So rejoice.
You have achieved what you set out to do.
Kept everyone out.
No one knows you are broken;
no one is looking to fix you.
And you are so busy
keeping up your false pretences,
you haven't noticed
the walls you built
to keep the world at bay
have also fenced you in.

The world shall only see
what you want it to see.
You are safe
in your steel cage.
Really,
well done.

i could have done something different
i could have done something better
i could have helped you
i could have saved you
i could have taken your pain
worn it on my shoulders
and took your burdens for you
i could have wiped your tears away
poured the ***** down the drain
locked up the shotgun
and sang you to sleep
only in the morning you would still be there

i could have done something different
i could have done something better
i could have been there for you
i could have fixed what made you hurt
and made you forget about it
i could have held your hand
let you cry to me
soothed your aching heart with comforting words
and taken you away from everything
that changed you
maybe if i did
you would still be here

the same mistakes of idleness
and the same outcome
the same sharp sorrow and tortuous guilt
the same irreplaceable loss that i couldn’t stop

the same **** words that float in my head
enough times that i convince myself they’re true
i could have done something different
i could have done something better
and because i didn’t
i’m the only one left to tell myself that