I wondered how this day would feel
I dramatized it in my head to to be honest
Some aha moment that released all the pain
That washed away the resentment and insecurities once tucked away neatly through my smile. I often dreamed of happiness and a sense of fulfillment finding love before you. Life had other plans it seems. I found healing through my own shedding. Layer by layer I strayed further away from your favorite version of me. A wounded, needy, and naive child desperately in need of love. Trying to repress the disappointment I found anger and in the anger I found bitterness and in the bitterness I found shame and in the shame I lost my self esteem and with that I hid from myself. Then I met pity and in the pity I found mercy who gave me grace that led me to forgiveness . No one ever teaches you how to mourn your first love. Only life teaches you how to mourn parts of yourself that once made you whole. Those moments of fragility that must be met with a gentle whisper of love become the only thing that way to gain the pieces lost. To the sweet girl who loved with no bounds you alone are love.
I haven't been myself for some months now. I thought I could just push through this like I do everything else I cant. On March 2nd a person I use to consider a friend attempted to sexually assault me. I filed a police report because that is the first thing people who don't believe you ask. Go to hell. I went through this in 2016 and it was not just an attempt. I didn't fight hard enough for justice and another women became a victim. I know it's not my fault but it's hard to truly believe that. I don't want a repeat of that because as women there's so much harmful behavior men display that were just taught to brush under the rug as men just being aint ****. No it's predatory. I spoke with Officer Land from the 4th Precinct after calling them several times, having to relive that experience more times than my brain could handle, and even now no detective has contacted me. I'm not going through this again. I'm not staying silent and dealing with all this pain in silence anymore. I want repercussions for this man not understanding no, climbing on top of me and me having to hold my legs together for dear life to not be put back into a defiled state. My body can not handle anymore violence in the name of men being men. So if I can't get justice then the whole world can know who you really are because you crossed boundaries once and I believed you were just too incoherent but that naivety is gone. You're blocked on everything and calling me on a fake number threatening me with a lawyer. It's harassment and I'm exhausted. I've cried for help and it feels like nobody is really hearing me because everyone always expects me to get past it. If I don't bring it up it's not followed upon so I'm gonna advocate for myself and stand up for myself this time around openly and unapologetically.
I seek refuge from my womanhood I run into the dark corners of what is feminism and found no solace, equality does not belong to my skin, sisterhood extended out of pity as if any love could erase the past, at times i wonder if i am just a way to ease their shame, if the kindness is a payment to my ancestors whose screams i can still hear as their womanhood is defiled, i often get caught between hate and the truth neither make me feel any better, and both can't be denied ,
i took a walk today in the garden and saw a wounded bird trying to fly, her wings were broken as she gasped for air, with every raise she lost a feather but i could tell she knew no better, her eyes searched the sky waiting to be found, chirping for what sounded like eternity
is it really greener on the other side or is it just hope? our lives in such peril that we hold on to an unconfirmed truth, an escape from the agony in which we call life, looking at the green pastures wondering what is on the other side, waterfalls and fresh air or is it just as polluted as there which suffocates us ,
swinging back and forth
humming with the birds
blood running down her thighs
womanhood is calling
hips and curves
men cat calling
kicking and screaming
silence as she cleans her
if every tear could show the pain
if every sleep less night could bring me back life oh how wonderful that would be for I seem to wander in the night searching for my mind wherever it is that it has gone. I walk a dark and lonely road full of doubts and reflections that bring me nothing but chaos within for the answers I search for only you hold but what truth do you hold when you entered by body with no invitation and stole my strength to feed your own weakness now you parade with arrogance that came from cracking my heart open with your lies..such a dark soul that had never intended to love but to milk me for what I was worth then toss me like you so easily did.
I was ***** and wrote this a few months after. I'm struggling and just want it to all be over.