Twins, two of one face
Spinning across time
Past workings of innate fate
Force shut the bleeding eyes
Black under the light of the night
Warmth runs between the other’s fingers
Blood anxiously circling around itself
Find home in its cooling on the skin
Must pull open the lids to find the irises
and they fall like pedals into folding palms
A crushing weight.  

I am free again
Her eyes are gone
The blood is drained
Face disintegrates  

She drags her bones across my flesh
internally I ache,
but the irises imbedded into palms
give me fight and take away fear
of her resurrection.

Met them with no tears,
But I need to see them more,
First time in ten years,
We're all broken to the core,
That makes four of us,
We have to stick together,
That's just it, we must,
We need to make things better,
I love them deeply,
And it's always been that way,
Couldn't see freely,
Just one hundred miles away,
They say the past is in the past,
But the past can not be erased,
That's why I wear this mental cast,
And swallow this metallic taste.

Oh, I was thinking about killing myself,
Do you mind,
And putting my feelings up on a shelf,
And your blind,
When it comes to literally anyone else,
Let's rewind,
Back to before my heart would regularly melt,
I was fine,
But what's different from what I feel and I felt,
It's bout' time,
I unlock my brain and see what's locked in the vault,
It's not my fault,
But I need to blame someone for this mental assault.

So I'm pulled to the broken,
Because the fixed are just fine,
When these words are spoken,
My mental health declines,
Now I think I'm approaching,
The end of the line.

At some point in college
I was dating my first long-term girlfriend
She knew about my being trans
But we didn't talk about it too much
Sometime during that period
She told me that
She didn't think that she could
Stay with me if I made the choice
To take hormones
Or to get bottom surgery
At that point in my life
I didn't want to lose her or that love
So I decided that I didn't want those things anymore
That I felt good enough without them
Now that it's been a few years
I'm just realizing that I lied to myself
I chose to repress those desires
In order to preserve my relationship
And it took three years after that
To even realize what I'd done to myself

spinning away from my own reality
an out of body experience
I am trapped in skin
slamming against the walls
I suffocate in layers of flesh
gnashing, bone against bone
crumbling to dust.

hair falls down the drain
as my tears find themselves
inconspicuously riding among the
streams of heat.

I slide down the cold plastic
a scolding reminder of reality

grounding myself

watching the steam create drops
a mind eager to escape confines

In the new land we seek refuge
there is no war -
Am I free from my life’s deluge?
My spirit contains many scars.

Though we have found an oasis
I’ve been left in a depressed state-
Cursed to be born into chaos
Is this my bitter fate?

The past becomes a faded dream-
Memories of fear and terror
Is no longer what it seem.
Yet is my life any better?

Painful past I wish to forget;
Mind represses all memories!

(c) Jo Swan

A ***** duct tape silences my mouth
People say blood is thicker than water
Yet your thunderous voice screams at me
Does daddy cherish his daughter?
So why can’t your eyes open and see
You’ve become a Mein Kampf tyrant?
You want my obedience and silence!

A ***** duct tape silences my mouth
As it leaves a residue of disgust
Must this be our memory?
Though silent my heart feels unjust-
Must you **** all my energy;
Leave me to feel lost and astray
As mental state starts to decay

A ***** duct tape silences my mouth
Will your anger subside and be quiet?
Fear suffocates vulnerable heart;
Wrathful words ready for a riot;
Confidence crushed as it’s torn apart.
Verbal abuse moves like a torrent flood,
Affecting those who share the same blood!

(c) 2018 Joanne Chang

legs sprawled out across the patchwork sofa,
he spoke.
"listen
if you're really feeling these things
and they hurt enough to make you act
like this
then, man, they're not stupid things to feel."
he didn't break eye contact,
just looked at me as i laid on the floor
holding back words
and holding back tears.