sometimes
it all just hits me.
and my thoughts start racing
getting louder in my head
as I slip down the wall
tears running down my face,
and I realise nobody is ever meant to be this hurt,
but
we all are
and it just comes in  
different forms
different ways
different demons

life is beautiful
but it is also sad
of all the good things
there is also the bad
and it feels as though the bad is always embracing the good
that there is more bad than there is good in this world

and when the mind is overloaded with the negative
sometimes the drowning can't be stopped

the world starts to understand
that the happiest people may just be the saddest
and it fills me with grief
as it is anything but untrue
true to the point it hurts me

my secret was being revealed

it strips me off my feigned confidence
and leaves me with an empty shell
empty of love
of all the good things in life

i am sad for myself
who have turned out this way

and in the end i only have myself to hold
but i do not like me
not now
not ever

so tell me

how shall i live?

— Y.H.

my own personal epiphany,
gentle fervor.

RELAPSE


The time when it feels like life is throwing you fire

That moment when you decide to temporary mentally retire

In hopes to repair and recover

Before you got to get your thoughts together

A timer ticking, with less than four days.

Then you realise 2 days have slipped in a foggy haze

Another 12 hours disappear in a blink while I’m stuck in this maze

Mind jammed on repeat, running same old relays

Life on the brink, Useless skits stuck on replay.


Disaster strikes it’s second hit,

With the bowel empty, out of ****,

tired and wired

In some serious need.

Next door possesses my ****,

clock strikes 2am,

no hope for the action called- boomerang

thoughts doing laps- thinking-

Why did I leave it there for so long?

Drug-enduced thoughts shift the blame,

How could they do me so wrong?


By not returning Billson after borrowing,

Leads to plan B’s decease.

The creation of black death to ease the worrying.

Now in search for some other sweet release.

Should have prepared a stash of sleepers

But I’ve used them all up,

Option C – A pill with effects like ******,

Zanexe don’t stand a chance anymore,

Immune to those dowsers, always needing a top-up.

The familiar stench of the chemicals on my skin,

Reminds me of all the times I swore I hated this sin.

Yet here I am again, where on earth do I begin?

Perhaps when I had my first lapse,

6 days ago, 2 points and didn’t collapse.

Which fertilised the seed planted by an addict

1 month off a year clean…

I was truly recovering

Then hell froze over turning my skies unclear,

That tickle got me thoughtful with the unspoken words - ‘I gotta have more’.

For of cause tomorrow I know I will be sore,

With that familiar dismantling pain,

For I have walked this road before.



For it I search, an act previously well-rehearsed

Found and purchase ordered,

I reach into my purse,

And as easy as that, transaction recorded.




- LetterGoddess

“you asked me for help, to fix you, to fight against your addiction

i asked you to do things, you promised me that you’ll do them

but promises aren’t meant to last, so here i am, stuck with more excuses

i weep at the loneliest night, thinking that i’m selfish & not letting you do things you love–“

but oh child, it is not your responsibility to fix him.

it is not.

Heartbreak rules
Because love is cruel
We're all taken as fools
And that's the awful truth

Nostalgia dominates feelings in my mind
And amnesia is an open gate I cannot find
I wanna forget about you so bad
That it's even become sad
I can't move on
And that's because my feet are glued on
I'm stuck on you
I can't move on

I take narcotics and cannibis
Because it's you that I miss
Been on it since '06
And for a second, I think it's not a fix
I'm still broken
No longer outspoken
I'm just soaking
In my tears
Drunk off my fears
For all these years

Been so hooked
I even started to crook
I'm a mess, don't look
But here's a book
Flip each page and read about me
Open my chapters and end with my notes
Take a look at what I wrote
Buy my words because I'm broke
But don't give me cash
Just blink your lash
And believe that I stayed woke
I'm stuck on you,
And I said that without a choke
All this is genuine
Just leave me with a win
Victory over your heart
It's pure art
It's making me feel something
So fine!
Please understand

I still want you
I'm still hooked on you
It was unintentional
I needed a break
I came on vacation
Left on probation
The drugs keep me moving
But not away from this situation

You say I'm crazy
But you're the only one that can keep me calm
Take me in your arms
And flatter me with your charm
I know I ****** up
But don't look me down

Just blink your lash
And believe that I stayed woke
I'm stuck on you,
And I said that without a choke
All this is genuine
Just leave me with a win
Victory over your heart
It's pure art
It's making me feel something
So fine
I understand
... that you don't want me back

And I can sometimes feel myself
spiralling down the stairs of your heart
Slowly drawing away from the affection
we once intertwined our fingers to
Like,
Is anything ever enough for you?
My deepest fear was by far losing you
but at this point in time I think
my deepest fear was actually losing myself
through loving you
I drew a picture of my self portrayed as an attachment
beside your being on canvas
That was my first mistake
Being an attachment and not an asset
Being an attachment and not a soulmate
Being an attachment instead of being a part of you
You let me grow onto your skin like fungus
refusing to scrap away from your abuse
in belief that that’s how we’re supposed to be handled
You left me mistreated as if abandonment was the definition of my name
And although I may seem like the stupid one here
the reality is that I was only blind
You played all your cards right
with the all so attractive face
I saw your lips constantly promise me lies
and that’s when I knew for sure that
the three special words that are most often used,
are rather quite abused and in many times by you
That it’s people of your replica who
**** out the saucy meaning from pleasures
and scrap away it’s taste
Both when it comes to words
and when it comes to sacrifice
I gave up my purity
for the desire of your heart and
for the feel of your touch
It’s quite sad and rather embarrassing
to realise how mislead I was
A dog, I felt like, astray
and pushed away
with plenty of dismay
when I thought I was okay
And even though I can sit here today
and proclaim a testimony,
my prognostication is the continuous witnessing of acrimony
When women generalise that
‘men are trash’,
it’s sad to know that only a few spoiled the rest
Because it’s true that not all are the same
but once so much has been taken away from you,
it’s difficult to try and stay sane
But now, as I keep
spiralling down the stairs of your heart
Slowly drawing away from the affection
we once intertwined our fingers to,
I’ll always remember that it was not only you
who had the souls of our girls
but rather the influence of the ***** grains
that claimed they had the world in the palms of their hands
when really, all they were taught too
was the misinterpreted identity
of what a dominating male is perceived to be like