Sometimes I get stuck in this state of Darkness
where my eyes can see
but it's like my head is just pitch black
and I almost wish I couldn't see anything,
like I wish I could just curl myself into a ball so tightly that I disappear from space for a while

sometimes I get stuck in this space
and I feel like my tears and my thoughts
are climbing up my esophagus and clogging my throat
blocking my airway
suffocating me from the inside

maybe I never told you I was depressed because who wants to relive that moment
that choking hazard moment of cotton ***** in my throat

maybe I never told you I was depressed because there are no words I can use to describe it that don't transform themselves into their meanings
that don't take over my mind
crawl through my head like little worms
eating away at my brain
my thoughts
my skin

have you ever thought of a traumatic experience and then felt those events happening again
felt the dark hole of life-threatening-trauma attack your mind
Shiver through your body
like it was a demon you let in through a memory-
through a word

maybe I didn't tell you I was depressed
because I wasn't strong enough
my depression fills me to the brim
fills my head and my chest
my arms and my fingers
I can feel it moving through my body
I can feel it expanding and engulfing everything inside of me
every last vein, nerve, *****, and tissue
how can you expect me to have the energy to fight
how can you expect me to have the energy to pick up the phone
to open my mouth
how can you expect me to have energy-to have the courage to utter the words of how I feel
I feel so worthless
in those moments I feel like there's this black whole inside me and it's consuming everything
it's taking everything but my skin
and it disgusts me

can you imagine the feeling,
having something so utterly repulsive on your skin you had to scrape it off immediately
It felt like you needed to be cleansed
like you needed a shower
take that feeling
now imagine it being under your skin
imagine, every muscle ***** vein nerve every cell in your body underneath your epidermis disgusts you
imagine all you wanted to do was to
GET
IT
OFF
and you can't
no matter how hard you try
you can't scrape it off
you can't claw It off

imagine you're scared of spiders
now imagine you're covered in spiders
and someone's holding down your arms
so you can't get them off
imagine them walking on your skin
in your mouth
crawling on your open eyes
in your ears
you're cringing at your own skin
You can feel them going down your throat
Their disgusting tickle in the pit of your stomach
in every crevice of your body
their tunneling under your skin
and you can't get them off
what are you supposed to do
but cry

It's okay to
question love
sometimes

you can't
find answers
without questions

and solutions
don't start
without answers.

She died,
she was broken,
was muted,
and then lived.

Her eyes were full yet empty,
like a blank paper there was nothing written down.
Her heart, filled yet hollow,
carved out by pain, sadness and loneliness.

She died,
she was broken,
was muted,
and then lived.

Her mind never walked away,
her mind never got over it.
After years, months, weeks and days.

How did this happen?
How do you live after trauma?
How am I supposed to live?

She died,
she was broken,
was muted,
and then lived.

Why can hate for someone grow when you no longer know who they are? Why can we be sad when we're also happy?
Why do we exist in a world where everything is supposedly coincidental?
Were your feelings of hate for me coincidence, when you confided in me, and I in you? Or was it always supposed to end the way that it did?

Why do I want you to forgive me, when it no longer matters?

my love, can I ask you why?
why the stars I wait to see keeps shining even when the moon goes faint
why the stars last so long
why some die a quiet death, but some fall
and why it was easy to say you no longer love me the way you used to?
even when I chose to love you everyday, even when it hurts–especially when it hurts.

Our religions are different.

Your god loves his creations
and takes care of them
and has a future planned out for them.
Your god created heaven and earth
and everything in between.

My god puts an unwanted child
in an already broken home and says
"here, have a fun life"
and leaves them forever.
My god created a planet
he is allowing to die
and he created vast dark space
and black holes
and he created monsters out of men and little boys.

Your god forgives and loves unconditionally.

My god holds grudges and gets revenge.

Your god is a kind-faced old man
sitting on a throne of clouds.

My god is a stone-cold faced judge
who towers over his people from his steel throne.

Your god created humans to be companions with each other.

My god created enemies and starts wars.

Your god has mercy and compassion.

My god has anger and fury.

We do not share religion
because I do not believe in the god you claim to praise.

The bible commands you don't worship false idols...
but what if the god you were taught to follow...

Is One