Afraid?
Of what?
Of what's inside of me.

How evil
Dangerous
Destructive
Could it be?

I am my own careful detective
Investigating parts of me
That I myself have hid
For years quite stubbornly

Will I be able to rejoin
All parts of me together?
Will I be able to enjoy
The wholeness then forever?

It's not as easy to put into words
It feels as if I had maybe two hearts
There's one that tries to be so nice
But underneath it lies...
Another one, the dark and rough,
That one was made by times so tough
That really it just cannot smile
It has its own dark heavy style

I'm digging deep to see
My fear is growing though
That's how I managed to ignore
My darkness for so long

But finally, for feelings' sake,
I gotta stop before it's late
I need to see and to admit
Who am I underneath the dry smile
That I have been practicing for a long while


Scared of losing myself?
Maybe.
But I gotta risk it,
Don't I?

After all I just know
That my darkest side
Does deserve the attention
Of my soul and mind

It's a part of me
I'll express it in arts
Before my dry fake smile
Dries out both of my hearts.

No, I don't know
What love is
At all.

I am wondering
And my soul
Is about to fall

What is love
Why is love
And why are we all?

Are these simply questions of a depressed mind?
Maybe.
But also of one that is trying to find

Reasons
To live and to feel and to love.
Again.
More
And more honestly than ever.

Searching is my current state.
It's rather stuck, but does vibrate
Uncomfortably under my ribs
Where the deepest of feelings should be

Instead I am mostly inhibiting my head
But I want to learn to change that
My body needs more of my attention
I need to connect
To reconnect I guess.

I noticed there is a big gap
Between my soul, my head, my body..
It is as if I am existing in parts.

Maybe it's true cause energy is divided
Maybe.

I don't really know much
My focus recently has been very shallow
I guess I lost other people's touch
The human connections with fellows

They matter. Society matters.
This is where love meets me
But rarely.

I did experience hate though
In groups.
No body came to save me

But that's over, isn't it?
Or do I still have to learn to trust?

Am I still so influenced by it?
That I'd rather deny myself
Than to accept
That someone might not like
Sth about me instead.

Why is it so bad?
How to get rid of this weird energy.
How to find a way to be finally free.
I am not even begging for materialistic freedom.
I just want to be able to decide
How my life is gonna be
Where I am gonna be
And in each and every moment
What is actually right for me?

I know I overstepped some boundaries
And I will overstep even more
There are boundaries I overstep unwillingly
And there's others that I knowingly ignore.

Answer me, God.
Why won't you answer me?
What have I done that has caused your face to be turned away?
Answer me, my God.

My Lord, why have you forsaken me?
In this hour of need, I cry out in empty rooms.
In this hour, I cry to empty skies.
My Lord, my God why have you forsaken me?

Are you alive?
Do you still listen to prayers?
Do you still listen to your people?
Are we allowed to ask and receive?

God is your eyes still fixed on this nauseated land?
Do you still have ears to hear when we call?
Are you alive?
Are we worth listening to anymore?

My hands clasps books and philosophy trying to understand.
My feet walk in nature trying to see the beauty of your creation.
I don't understand why you say you love me.
I don't understand how this applies to those around me.

Answer me, God...
This silence is killing me.

Why does doing the right thing
Always feel so wrong?

"are you
still in love
with me?"

asked the moon
with tears
flowing down
her cheeks

"i am afraid
that i
no longer am."

answered him
as he vanished
from the sky

the setting sun
leaving the world dark
leaving the moon behind

I look at the sky and wonder

Is it even real?

Is it even blue?

How can I understand what's real and what's not

If I can't even understand

Life

Soon as "life" goes by

What have I understand?

I have wept in my mother's sorrows
In tears of those of lost and labored-
That life is waster when settled,
And regretted when hated.
The drugs have never covered-
They will never coat the fear that lives inside of you;
And the bottle that I've used to block the days before me
Have left me in depths of hollow and confusion,
To which the sky says yet again when I'm on my knees and looking for an answer-
I have yet to find but more questions.
This reflection I stand before shows more than I know;
Or wish to see,
Open your eyes and break the dark uncertainty.

~Bre Womble
5/29/19