Do you remember?
When you told me i am a bizzare monster unable to love
Ugly pig that no one will ever want.
Do you remember?
The day you say you don't want me
The moment when your hands got me bruises
The second when you pushed me to thinking...
I. WANNA. DIE.
No matter how hard i tried to please you and dad
It was always not good enough.
I just wanted you to be proud of me
To love me...
When i was crying in my bedroom, squizing my pillow, pulling my hair out of my head, shouting noiselessly.
I told you one day i wanna **** myself.
Do you remember?
You told me to do it.

write a verse,
write a song,
write it with the chillum, on a ****.
write slow, write fast -
write with an ******* while it lasts.
write for the right reasons, and the wrong ones too:
write because it matters to you.
write like a man, write like a woman -
write despite their contempt, unforgiven.
write on the walls,
of the times you recall -
when you felt small,
or when you’d fall.
write your heart out!
write your ***** out! -
and don’t you ever doubt -    
wheather it’ll work out,
or choke your bank account.
write, if not for anything -
for the hope that still lies within;
just write, do not ask why!
if you must know -
write because you’d rather die.

write, my friend -
write.

People of my kind are cowards,
they say,
we are lazy,
they say,
we avoid our problems,
they say.

Yes we are,
and so are many others.
Our wants exceed our capability,
our expectations are without constraints,
but we are not.

I have not found my ambition,
I do not know how to,
I appreciate the beauty of this world,
I appreciate what life has to offer,
but I cannot live only for it.

Some see us as an anomaly,
they are confused,
some are worried,
some are bemused.

Do not help me,
for I want to feel,
do not help me,
for I want to leave.

The eternal journey.
You can’t save yourself, you must be good & kind; and in time, this will help save others, from yourself.

It’s not a short term plan…
You’ll need to have faith and conviction, for you won’t be there to witness the final result.

I bought a rabbit from a feed store
He was raised for meat
But I brought him home
And raised him for me
Not to eat but to keep

Part of me thinks that's just as cruel
Poor unwanted, little thing
Just happy to live in my house
He doesn't have the ability to see
How unnatural our friendship is

I didn't save him
But I didn't eat him
So he just exists without purpose
Kind of like me
I think I was also raised for meat

I've been running consistently to getting somewhere
And in this moment right here my soul couldn't care
About all the dreams or the scars or wishes
I've been planning to go through, for my body leaves
The sense of reality under the gravity
Of my own pressures and judgements, projections
Of being imperfect, these self-rejections
Disguised as ambitions
Couldn't fool any soul that they are soul missions

I've been running and bleeding and I'm tired of feeling
That I am constantly in need of some divine healing
Healing is not becoming someone you're not
But accepting yourself as you are, the whole lot
The shadows, the wounds and the darkness of past
The ways that you cling still to what did not last
The ways that you think endlessly into void
And the way that you let your thoughts steal the joy

Of being right here, nothing else to avoid,
Just being yourself, it's not to control
The ways you exist or defining your role
Into this life in such perfect ammounts
That things old as faith and as grace simply counts
To nothing

Cause I'll tell you, you're something
That could never be perfect, for you can't be a concept
But when you look at the rain or the sea, anything
That nature has brought into this here existence
When has the mind ever had the persistance
Or the ***** to say something as perverted,
As : "that is not perfect, it's not in control,
Of it's own fate or soul, there is too much flow
It's allowing itself to go with, it must be tormented "

For existence was always meant to be accepted
As a jellyfish accepted the tide or a leaf in the wind accepting a ride
Life never happened by action, it just was allowed
To come into being by the one who is proud
To exist as he is, silent or loud
Or however it felt called up on the mount
Of his body or shape, incarnation or being
Regardless of pain, imperfection or grieving

Things such as healing or letting go of control
Were never intended to torment the soul
Into changing what happened or what it desires
What it feels that should be or the band and the choires
It hears, but instead, it was meant to accept
What exists as it is in the now, it's direct
And it's grounding and kind and just this moment
Can bring an end to the winter that stood
In your door and your house when you said that life should
Be different somehow in the way that it goes
But you cannot decide nor the waves nor the flows
Of the ocean, the wind or the boat you are rowing
But just the direction you decide it's worth going


So if you ever have wished for a different ending,
Know that it's here, and it starts with accepting
That life is not made for the ways of expecting
But for trust and for faith in this neverending
Journey of life and this always changing
Existence you are, it's about surrendering

To who you are and the present you're living
And about the love you're allowing and giving
Yourself when you start being here and receiving
All that's been waiting for you to start feeling
Worthy of living.

_M.

God said do not babble when you go to pray
Filling space and time with little things to say
So, I give you a guide that you can follow along
There, come to the place where all can belong
Now, we need not pray it word for word.
We can do differently, and we will still be heard.
But think about the words you say
And think about how much they weigh.
Are we just going through the motions
While, what we mean, we have no notion?
The "Our Father" we've said so many, many times
But have we ever stopped to look between the lines?

It was brought to my attention by a friend
Who said something to this end:
The "Our Father" calls us to focus outward.
"Give us this day our Daily Bread" which is basic and turned to self (it's very small)

"And forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us"
Our attention is focused not on ourselves, but towards others

"And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil

For thine is the kingdom and the power and glory
Now and forever AMEN"
We have now turned our focus to the universe, to Heaven and to God!

So often in the world today we are focused inside ourselves, it's all about "I" or "Me", what can I get, what's in it for me? It's small and lonely although we'd like to deny it and, sometimes, we lash out because of it. God calls us to be so much more, to be so much bigger. This world is temporary and fading and in the vast expanse of the universe there would not God in his goodness have created other life, other planets, solar systems. God is infinite, his love is infinite so why would or should his ultimate plan for us be this earth alone? Something so small and nothing more?

Lord, help us open ourselves up to your love, word and truth. Help us to open our hearts to all of our brothers and sisters and neighbors around the world and be open to you. Open our eyes and challenge us to expand and grow beyond ourselves. Elevate our thinking to you, help us be mindful of what we say when we pray and help us to pray from our heart and soul rather than our head. As we expand outward Lord, please draw us into yourself. On the cross, you spread your arms wide to take in all people and there is always room in your heart and your home for another. In your goodness, grant we pray, Oh Lord the courage and strength to do likewise. Amen.