Confess, I have to confess.

Who's on the other side of my confessional?

I've thought wrong, I could've thought another, why can't I control what I think?

Confess it, lay your sin.

If I confess my thought, I fear it'll make it real. It's harmless in my head, it's abstract.

But is it?

Look at who you've hurt, the person you love. But never you, why would you care about you?

You should be perfect. Be your best self.

When my best self is deconstructed, all I am is fear.

So confess it, lay your burdens on another.

Be selfish, lay your irrationality for someone else to detangle.

Your strength is fragile, trust me.

I know you,

I know all of you, your deepest fear, your subconscious.

Trust me, you're all that I am.

So confess, give in.

I'm your religion, I'm your truth.

The truth is,
you're not worth love.

You can restore yourself
Heal your loveless heart if you must
Because the love you have now
Is just an idea of what is about to come
I am talking about the journey
You will cross many roads
Meet many beings of strange souls
Some may not even have souls
I do not mean evil, but, anything
That has words has no soul at times
Imagine, a parachute that tears mid-way
But, saves your life
These are what lush pastures in the mind present
The living daydream that human consciousness is
And nightmares that dreams are to many men
That live in the past

I wished for sympathy from the crowd in some sense
A soliloquy would reveal my morbid intent
Then tear burned lenses would hold a reflection
Curving their contempt towards my affection

I sought after sympathy from the crowd in some way
That a minor character might die in my play
A supporting actress would cry her last chorus
And I readied to draw tears for the both of us

I coveted sympathy from the crowd in some fashion
But she dropped to the floor before assumed "action!"
Curtains now drawing, how should I act?
The audience sees clearly, dry eyes still intact

I demand sympathy from the crowd at last
Disbelief's broadcast came grouped in a gasp
"This is not the tragedy, her character did not die!
Only the mask that wears her, please stand by"

discipline keeps the mind focussed
a sick laughing in the background
rivers of knowledge, psychology

i got your back if you got mine
ancestors stole my land, my brain
existence revolves around dollars

you don't know the voices in my head
they are trying to control me, kid
how can they spot my very location?

i was born in a dump, my father a drunk
my momma died during my birth; my fault?
let me blow up all the golden buildings

my mind be the place where i make plans
people told me that "slang" was "horrible"
nobody has to like that, you feel me?

my skin color is black and white, you know?
don't let them get into my head, **** voices
can i walk the streets freely? who trusts me?

golden opportunities all over the place
don't ask a nameless what his name is
he will never tell you but shoot someone

it's simply not wise, we want justice
when your heart is turning ice cold
hour of the *******, hour of the sucker

the bassline trembles, i'm shivering
females are entering my safe house
armed with prejudices and dishonor

i'm already dead, words chocked me
too much poetry, nowhere to go
**** this end, i will come back!

Night after night
in echo-less jars my screams trapping
one after the other counting
on a shelf of shame storing

By the threads of realisations
Suffocating

Wondering
How did it go that far?

My screams trapping in jars
Scared the truth will come out

The truth of you
of my ignorance
of my wasted IQ scores
of how self-love in chapter number 6 was retracted
on how my own voice MUTED
My identity ERASED
For yours to be written as the main character of an abusive ****** mystery

The ****** of my pride
I witnessed

18 months
In your dungeon of lies trapped
Willingly...
Or Not

Nailed down by my own traumas
to a ground of your dismissiveness
nailed down under your feet
for your validation begging
in drought living
waiting for the mercy of the sporadic showers of love bombs

I didn't know I can be broken that many times
till I met you
Like a shapeshifter, 206 bones I broke
In the name of your entertainment

Consistently strained by the:
you’re not good enough
consciously thinking you'll change
unconsciously thinking that's All I deserve

And that's what scientists call submission
Submission to your mental manipulative ways

In disgust I dwell
Ashamed for being a fool
Or Not

By my own wounded child
strapped to the bed sheets that consistently
warned me about you
how every time you gently kissed me goodbye
choosing to leave me doubting myself worth
wondering how can I ever be good enough for you to stay

Yet I called you back
Willingly
or Not

Remember how
in milk and honey each insult you dipped
How in 50 roses your derogatory pet names you carefully hid

Your chains you weld tighter
After each breakup

Unconsciously it's whatever you want
it's every yes where it was supposed to be no
in pain you left me for days
only to come back for more

In pain I lived willingly
Or Not

My only crime that I was Desperate to be Loved

I have children in my head.
Chasing each other around in a vicious game
Taunting, threatening, being afraid
Then finally sitting down, alone and crying.
"What is it, my children. Why are you fighting?"
"He did this to me last time, and he's going to do it again"
"When did he hurt you?" I asked
"Last time, I don't remember"
"Is he doing it now?"
"Now? I don't know. I wasn't paying attention."

I have children in my head.

Will I ever be fine?
Am I able to feel happy?
Can my confidence radiate and shine?
Or am I always going to feel ******?
My self-hatred, I can not confine
My life's worth? Not even a penny

-So what do you feel?

I just can’t get rid of this feeling lodged so deep inside of me, which tells me that:
“I need to be seen as someone in front of people’s eyes”
It’s unfathomable. It’s too difficult. It’s beyond me.
Like a black cloud it’s hovering on top of me.

-What are your thoughts right now?

Time is ticking away and all I seem to realize is that,
“Life is getting harder than what I have ever previously thought”.
You have to decide right now, whichever way you need to go.

-And, what are your options?

You either choose to stop whining, quit complaining,
Sit your *** down and get to work in order to,
Achieve your dreams, improve yourself, and actualize your potential
And fulfill your destiny or,

-Or?

You get comfortable with who you are, what you have,
What you do and where you are and that’s it.
It’s your choice to make.

-Exactly. Thank you very much. That’ll do for today.