Three and a half years ago
I met the girl who became my first love
I hadn't had much experience with love
So I didn't know when it became toxic
I transformed from straight-edge
To blacking out and blackening my lungs
I would have married her
But she left and
It ended up being a blessing is disguise

Two and a half years ago
I entered into a relationship
While I didn't feel too much
I thought she would be my forever
We got engaged
But I was afraid
And I made a choice out of fear
I left
Not literally but emotionally
And then it all ended
I turned into the toxic person I hated

Almost four months ago
I reconnected with an old flame
We grew from destruction
But the love grew onward nonetheless
We hit a rough patch when I needed free love
She still gave it a chance and
I couldn't be happier

Over a year ago
I met my 2nd partner
About four months ago
We finally had a real conversation
And a month later we developed feelings
We're still new and it's intense
Balancing love comes with its challenges
But our capacity to love is beautiful
And we grow individually each day
Experiencing endless firsts together
My first time growing love from friendship
And it's a wonderful change

Four weeks ago
I reestablished a relationship with my ex-fiancé
4 months after our fateful end
We still share so much love
And though we can only connect through text these days
Our emotional bond holds no bounds
Love is love
And she became my third

Three weeks ago
I left my old flame
Because I couldn't handle it anymore
And it wasn't her fault
We both lost touch with the others' needs
She needed me
And I needed space
We were both unhappy
And I chose to run
I still care about her
But I'm sure she hates me now
And I don't blame her for that

A week and a half ago
My ex-fiancé tried to **** herself
I got scared and told her dad
He didn't know we were talking again
But I needed to save her
She appreciated it at first
And then she cut me off
Even though we loved each other
We were hurting each other more
I understand why she left
And I hope she finds happiness
But it still hurts

One week ago
I realized I loved my 2nd partner
Who is now my only partner
We were laying together
I looked into her eyes and just knew
When I'm with her there's nothing but warmth and happiness
Flooding my chest
Electricity runs through my bones when we lock eyes
I knew I'd love her one day
But I didn't think I'd be IN love with her
Every day is an experience
And though it's hard
I wouldn't want to go through it with anyone else

Today
I am still growing
I am not perfect by any means
And I am not defined by my relationships
But they have helped shape me as a person
Free love has been hard
These past years have been intense
And I am trying to learn from my mistakes
I am learning to love myself through them
To forgive myself
While still recognizing the pain my choices have caused
I am sorry to those I have hurt
I really am trying
I still love you all
But where we are in life no longer aligns
I wish you nothing but the best

What do you do
When the universe gives you the chance
To get exactly what you wanted
At the worst possible time?

2 weeks ago I would have dropped everything
And given in to anything you'd asked
But now things feel different
I had the closure I needed
And I feel happy again

But my feelings haven't changed
I still love you
But I also don't know
If this is what I want anymore

Do I limit myself into the lonely world of monogamy
In order to secure our beautiful future?
Or do I continue my current happiness
Toward a future entirely unknown?

2 weeks it's been
Immersed in this world of open love
Such a short time to spend
But my heart feels so liberated

No longer trapped by the confines of one
A sole opportunity to share, give and express my love
Now I can let my feelings come undone
Within the safety and boundaries of mutual respect

My lovers, almost three
Each offer a unique chance
To share this love and feel free
This love is a beautiful thing

I did not anticipate this formation
I did not set out a number of partners to seek
I entered this with no expectations
And it happened to grow this way on its own

I love each person uniquely
No mutual exclusion, no impact
Each love forms and runs deeply
Individually, yet always connected through love

I wake up cold in my bed
And cuddle up next to someone I care for deeply
Waiting for a moment
To text "good morning" to the girl I love

Bliss.
This is free love.
This is beautiful.

I'm lost in the moment
Lost in her eyes
A vibration on the table brings me back
I expect it's from my love
And it is
But not the one I expected

Instead
My ex-fiancé's name flashes before me
Followed by the smiley face I never removed
"Hey"

What?
I'm in shock
Is this an accident?
And old message stuck in my phone?
It buzzes again

"Could I ask you something"
My heart is racing
What could you have to say to me?
"Those letters."
I guess you read them
"Do you still feel that way?
Or have you moved on now..."

I'll never move on
My love is limitless and endless
But for that same reason
I'm so confused

Of course I love you
I always will
But I love someone else too
And I know I'll love another soon enough

My love needs more than monogamy can give me
The experience of polyamory is all so new
It's liberating
And it's beautiful
And I love it
But I love you too

You are almost every great memory
That I have from the past 2 years
But I'm also a different person now
Than I was four months ago

I still can picture a future with only you
But polyamory would have to come off the table
I don't know if I'm ready for that
Even if I don't know what a poly future looks like

I need time to process this
I need a minute to breathe
I need to reflect on these possibilities
Love is a beautiful thing
But right now it's suffocating

Kissing you
Feels as though I'm levitating
Above all the stress
Above the complications of our situation
But I promise that isn't everything

I know I'm silent and
I'm aware that I'm a challenge for you to read
But if my word means anything
I want nothing more than to connect with you intellectually
To be able to talk for hours on end
To be open entirely and unapologetically
But I'm also petrified

You're smart beyond reasoning
And absolutely gorgeous
Hearing you laugh makes my heart race
And when our hands touch the beat stops entirely

I need to let go of this fear
The fear of rejection
The fear of this new experience
The fear of getting too attached
And the fear of the unknown

When I'm with you I feel on edge
But I also feel happier than I'm used to
I suppose that I'm afraid
That if I let you see me
The real human behind this tough exterior
That you'll change your mind
Which is fine because you'll do what's best for you
But the idea is still unnerving

I can't tell you when it'll change
But I promise it won't be like this forever
I'm trying to let go of this fear and anxiety
So that something real can actually come
From this mess we found ourselves in
Please be patient with me
Because even though I'm pretty ****** up
I have genuine feelings for you
And want a chance to prove that

These emotions swirl around my mind
Like the glowing leaves outside
Yellow anxieties, orange excitements, and red passions
All intermingling to create something divine
For those who don't understand
It appears disorganized and unnatural
But as sure as leaves return to trees in the spring
My feelings will continue to bloom for someone
More than one
And that's beautiful

Feelings overflowing
Dripping from the cracks in my heart
Coursing through my veins
The excess seeps into my lungs
And I can't breathe

I watch you carefully
Trying desperately to read you
But like a million books in foreign tongue
I cannot follow the lines
Enough to reach a valid conclusion

The distance between us is stiff
My body aches with the tension of this anxiety
And though I avoid eye contact mostly
Sometimes I let myself slip

While it felt so wrong before
I'm learning to love myself
And embrace this capacity
To love multiple people at once
I'm slowly accepting my feelings for you
Swimming alongside my love for her

And here we are
Waiting patiently for what?
We have the perfect chance at something
Anything
And we embrace every minute of it

Every flirty text that makes my heart race
Every tear spawning from our partners' faces
The beautiful distance between us
Without the pressure and rush often associated with love

We sacrifice our energy on loved ones who don't understand
The true extent to which some humans can love
We endure the pain of supporting confused partners
So we can spend that extra time getting ready
To look cute for a simple conversation on my couch

I'm happy this way
Free from the socialized constraints of monogamy
Allowed to feel freely
To love freely

And regardless of where this experience leaves us
I'm going to embrace every opportunity it offers
And though our path is terrifyingly unmarked
I couldn't feel more at peace with it

Pick yourself up my kleintjie
Your heart is in your eyes and your tummy is empty
There's always home in our arms
Always a bed to keep you warm
My lover and I will keep you sane
The others don't know, they don't understand, they aren't the same
They all blame me for your possible demise
But all I want is to hold you tight
They push you with hard words and take no pity on your gentle soul
We want you to be okay
We understand
We love you whole
Chin up my kleintjies
You are the two who fill the holes