A part of me has hated you from the moment we met
Because all the other parts of me were instantly
Pathetically
In love with you
I hate how I stare at my computer screen every night
Hoping to see that green circle next to your name
But you and I both know I’ll never do a **** thing about it
I loathe those little things that remind me of you
I pour coffee
I see you brushing your teeth
I drive down highway 105
Pass the Biscuitville sign
Instantly in my mind
I see you walking around in your cowboy hat
Hear brown boots making their familiar clip clop sound
Your footsteps sound like symphonies
And I hate that hat
You may be the cowboy of Roanoke
But to me you’ll always be that ******* from Alamance  
Who I could never get over
May never get over
Usually nothing sticks with me
I’ve only been addicted to two things in my life
Self-destruction and you
And I’ve spent my entire life trying to find a replacement
Cigarettes are expensive
Coke has a bad comedown
Other people
They’re just not the same
I detest you
You’re pompous
Selfish
And the best human being I’ve ever met
I hate how I can’t forget you
I hate!
I hate…
Because it’s easier for me to hate than to love
I choose loathe over like
Obsession over rejection
Loneliness over loss
To love you would be to lose you
Hate it's my armor
The weight
It’s pulled me underwater
And even there you’re still swimming circles ‘round my head
You can’t help the way the current flows
But baby
No.
Not baby
Not darling
Not mine
I caught you once and threw you back
Cause I didn't know how to love
I still don't
But I know very well how to hate
And my God do I hate you

I don't want to be this pathetic artist
And I don't want life to pass me by,
Leaving a bunch of broken poems
Behind. I don't want people to remember
Me as the sad writer, who poured tears
On her notes and cried her heart out.
You left me, that's it.
You just came and devastated my world,
So what?
I don't want this pain to define who I am
And I don't want this feelings you provoke
To become my footprints.
You're not here anymore; I've got nothing
More, but to move on . . .
______________

Today wasted on rage
Tomorrow too distant
Yesterday a blast and matters not.
And you?
Didn't notice me standing by your side
Even when you kicked me around.
Pathetic.
(me more than you).
Shame Is the sister of tolerance
Which is the brother of victim
And the mother of choice less
Right now,  in this precarious moment,
I've discovered how bitter true  
it is...
that we all
pay dearly
for the sins of our father.

I suppose what bothers me the most
is thats you didn't both invite me out with you tonight,
after you left the bar that is.
Even though you had the power to right in your hands.
Instead you left me alone all night,
knowing my heart was/is in despair.
I've had a very long and tough week as you know,
it would've been nice to have a fun night out with you,
but I suppose that deemed too much for you even think of and propose.
We both could've had a nice night, and there wouldn't of been any need to fight.

In the very end though, there was only one thing I asked in return,
was that you'd brush your teeth when you got home.
So I wouldn't get the urge to drink when I tasted beer on your lips.
If I had wanted to drink tonight, I would've.
Don't think the thought didn't cross my mind a thousand times.
Consider that and acknowledge I'm trying here,
but won't or really can't make it own my own.
You are truly the only person I have left,
that really cares where I end up.

Yet, I'm the pathetic and stupid one.
Maybe your right about that.
Maybe, just maybe, I shouldn't care so much,
Or in better words,
I should've left more than half of my remaining heart buried.

I wish I could tell you
but I can't.
I want to tell you how I rip my thigh open
and starve all day.
How I feel dizzy all the time but continue to work out
and only consume water,
but I cant
because you will be disappointed
and I will feel more pathetic.

Do I tell you a secret
Lest you understand it for sure
My disliking of you is
An ailment without cure

Disclosing shared things
With intentions impure
I destroyed them right there
Now an ailment without cure

Ill deeds of thou
Filled my dislike store
And now it doesn't matters
This ailment without cure


|AB|

My life is composed of things I didn't ask for,
it has been overtaken by tears, sadness, and blades.
I don't know how this monstrous disease took over, it just did.
It was fine one day and the next- wiped from my memory.
I wish I could figure it out but
all I know is I am closed up tight like a shoe box filled with memories-
I am here, but I am stuffed away, ignored, and overlooked.
You ask why I have these issues and I can't tell you for fear of rejection
so I tear my skin open just to acquire the feeling of being alive
and I don't dare tell someone for they will say I am weak and pathetic.