~

grandpa

b e a u t i f u l l y

paints pictures of grandma

while she reads the new testament

he who has ears to hear, let him hear it

but grandpa can't hear anything

when it comes to his ears

but she still reads

out loud


~

That day you picked up that paint brush,
and splattered all of the blacks,
the grays,
the blues all over me.
You painted until there was none of me left,
I was completely covered,
but see you thought you were simply protecting me from you
when in reality you were ruining
me.
and I wasn't going to stop you.

You helped me see the world with color,
when everything around me seemed to be gray.
My laughter I heard that didn't mean anything for a long time
finally had a purpose.
And I promised myself
that I wouldn't let you control the colors that were
painted on my canvas.
But the thing is,
I handed you the paintbrush,
waiting to see what beautiful thing you would draw for me,
and beautiful it was.

there are clock ticks somewhere in the back of my mind
moonlight is catching in your shoulders and knuckles
we both have no idea of the time
and we both don’t mind

I hum a melody I thought I’ve long forgotten
as you tap out a rhythm I know too well
it feels like an eternity since our gazes met
a lifetime since we said any words

you ask me what we are doing
and all I can think is tormenting ourselves
pulling away from touch
depriving ourselves of the sweetness of dreams

a hundred delirious thoughts run through my mind
would your mouth taste of sunsets and cotton candy skies?
will your fingers feel electric against my spine?
would your heart beat with mine?

your tapping is calmer now
pressing little points into my skin
I tell you to meet my gaze
and when you look up
I can see the same questions in your eyes

because I know that you’re afraid of such ideas
I edge a bit closer to your cross-legged form
and without the hesitation that plagued me for years
I kiss you with all the moonlight and shadows

you don’t pull away the way I expected you to
but I don’t pull you into me more
because I am afraid that I will ruin the petal-like softness of your mouth
I am afraid that you will break under me
and spill all of your wonder onto my sky-blue sheets

I keep my hands clenched in my lap
but you like adventures all too much
and yours are tracing roadmaps across my skin
sending pinpoints of life across every portion that you touch

you break the melding of our mouths
and you hum a dark tune against my collarbone
my hands find a way inside the softness of your shirt
you’re alive in all of the places I explore

shaky fingers find where my pulse is strongest
I feel like a gunshot has gone off somewhere and the bullet is through me
too close, i think, all too close
and it's the hardest thing to keep breathing

my shirt is now entangled with the sheets
and my back goes rigid at the thought
of your touch going over the scars i had hidden for more than a decade
of the secrets i don't talk about with anyone

so i slip your shirt over your head to take my thoughts away
I run my hands over every inch of space as if i am writing our history
but yours are holding onto my waistband
and I feel like crying out of fear of your judgment

but you don't judge a thing
you only trace the lines on the inside of my thighs and the backs of my knees
you tell me that someday you will paint every single line
for i will remember you in my words and you will remember me in those

and i laugh, on the verge of tears
because here you are
someone with the sun in his smile and decades of mysteries in his words
and you make me feel like i am the world
all of its light and its lost beauty and its shadows
I am porcelain in the silvery light
and you hold me so I wouldn't shatter
my eyes wander over the planes of your features
and yet again I wonder

if anyone will see you the way that i do
lost in the winding path of his own making
a delicate soul who refuses to sleep because of curiosity about the universe
an enigma who cannot be unraveled

will they know what it takes for the corners of your mouth to tip into a smile
will they know of the ideas that plague your mind
will they know you beyond what everyone else saw

our mouths meet again amidst how tangled we are with each other
and I think I might believe in magic
as I etch the curves of your name into the back of my mind
we sing the darkness of our dreams

I may be unsure of thousands of thoughts every single day
but I will now wake up knowing
that I can be sure of you.