You blame me for this but we both know the truth
You can't handle that I'm not solely interested in you
You want me to idolise you, while never moving forward
You want me to despite you, can't handle what's important
Always right? Yeah, I'm so tired and spent, we would be a train wreck
And now I'm sitting here doubting, every single thing you've ever said
Your projection is palpable, it has its own pulse, do you actually believe it?
Do you gaslight yourself too? In your bubble of delusional deciet when
I'd have helped you leave it. Nevermind then, I hope you learn from this
I hope you don't dismiss the pain, I hope you understand all I ever did
Was too soothe your ache. I miss you, but you said this is for the best
Not for the reasons you stated though, we both know that's the test
We both know, you'll lie to yourself, but your heart will confess
However, you'll "bury that mess" on my day no less. I guess,
I always knew, this would have it's end. I hope someday when
You've reflected, when I've collected my self respect
You'll actually be able to be that "friend"
Without blurring boundaries like they don't exist for a reason,
I'll just keep this car wreck active, so my veins keep bleedin'

All the best in love and life ❤️

It grabbed me again, that feeling.
bare neck
it dug its claws.

Deeper and deeper,
it consumes.

Inside me,
A tunnel filled with cars
ramming into each other—
one after another,
one after another
they hit,
they break,
Producing bangs
that flood my body.

Clawing at my own skin
to remove them,
“I just want them out” I say
but my body doesn’t listen.
My mind ignores me.
And it just builds.

It grabbed me last year, that feeling.

A stress,
A draining anxiousness
******* nutrients from my roots.
Kolding back the words I needed
to get me out
to let me grow
from the rooms
that confined my mind.

Aching pains
that stretched me
between all these worlds,

“Am I good enough?”
“Will I disappoint?”
“Why will I never be good enough”—
a thought that lingers.
“Why do I like nothing about myself”

This feeling,
This nagging demon,
This tunnel of cars
that won’t listen
to the stop
that I shout,

this draining anxiousness.  

Please—
Let me go.

I don’t get my mind.

Sometimes I hate myself.
Sometimes I want to hate myself.
Sometimes, I just don’t get it.

I sit still—
And yet, am I still?

I shake uncontrollably,
internally.

Do I feel safe
in this skin,
in this mind that hurts?

When silence is a reward,
Is life the punishment?

Spending time with people
you care for them,
you love the time,
you cherish,
you live,
you exist
and yet,

I still need the silence.

But what happens
When silence starts to feel unsafe?
When sitting still and movement
both become burdens?

Tied to a screen,
To a mirror,
To an expectation
Of how life will go—
Because if it doesn’t...

Then am I just existing to take up space someone else should’ve had?

Maybe my pain lets someone else
Be happy,

Just for a moment.

If I go,
I want all to know—
Maybe it will work out for the better.

Maybe silence,
Sitting still,
Alone.

Maybe that is all I need

They don't tell you
that after all
You are
A mirage.
A foolish
Beautiful
Cruel
Illusion
And nothing like you think you are

They said
Your eyes were pretty
And that you had a nice smile
Yet never once saw it
The paradox
Of worlds colliding
With raw and unapologetic ardour
Right before them.
Your eyes weren't pretty
And your smile was a flash of gums and cracked edges
I loved them
In a way
That made me fearless of the truth.

Once
We watched the sunrise
Our cold hands clasping each other
Like children asking for warmth

Sometimes
You end up in a candy shop
Asking forgiveness
For ever visiting the dentist.
If you let something destroy you
And hold on
Words stuck in-between your teeth
Until you feel
The inside of your mouth growing black
From all the things you didn't say
When you should have
Did you win?
When you gulp down poison for nothing
And nothing again
Who will remember your martyrdom?

Why are you crying?
Why would you shed tears for this?
After all
It was you that ended this
It was you that broke my heart
So why are you crying?
That silent pain you're showing me
The sadness deep in your eyes
Why are you sad
When I was the one who tried?
I have every right to shed tears
Yet you're doing it on my behalf
Why would you cry for the bonds
That you cut with your own hands?
Why would you cry for the love
When you're the one who turned away?
Why would cry so much for us 
When I am the one you hurt?
Let me cry, shout, let it all out
I have every right to do so because of you
Instead
Even as you cry for your own actions
Even as you cry stepping away from me
I will still wipe those tears away
I will still kiss the pain away 
I will still tell you that it's okay 
Because even as you end everything
I never want to see you cry
Even when I am the one
Crying inside

A heavy mist, a cruel, indifferent cloud
That chases off the tranquil air of peace
And chokes the sun of joy in darkened shroud.
A sickly heart summons this vapor swell
If suffering from a crack or missing piece,
By aching wounds confined to its own Hell.
Such misery I know extremely well.