6:15 am*                04/28/16


I’m sorry.

I just wanted to start out by saying that.

I should have fought harder for you; I should not have let myself be persuaded into letting you go when I knew I didn’t want to. The truth is, I was scared- I was scared that I wasn’t going to have enough. That I wasn’t going to be enough. I know now that I was wrong. I would have been strong and I would have been okay and I would have loved you more than anyone could have imagined. Even if it was hard I would have worked through it. But, I doubted myself, and that’s where I failed you.

I could just blame everyone else around me and say “I didn’t have a choice,” but to me that’s just taking the easy way out and avoiding my faults to try to put my own mind at ease… but it would only make me feel worse. I knew I had a voice and I knew I had the choice to speak up and use it but I didn’t. By the time I realized that, it was too late and my fight wasn’t heard. I tried… but it took me too long and it was already happening and I couldn’t stop it.

…

You would have been so loved. Everyone would have spoiled you rotten. The kids (my siblings) would have been especially ecstatic to have a new baby around. My mom would have been happy to be a grandmother (as I’m sure your dad's mother would have been as well). My grandparents would have welcomed you as a great grandchild and you would have been worshiped by my grandpa who absolutely loves babies. I’m sure your dad would have been upset for a while I was carrying you, but when you actually got here he probably would have been completely different about it. He would have had no choice but to love you, too.

And I would have loved you. I did love you. I didn’t even know you yet and I loved you already. I still love you and I always will. I know it’s easy to say “I’ll never forget you” and then stop thinking about it and move on and forget- but you were such a big part of me, even in the short amount of time that you were mine, that I won’t ever be able to forget you. You are a part of me now and you’re here to stay, even if you aren’t physically here.

You will always be loved.

You will always be missed and you will always be remembered.

R.I.P 04/25/16.

(never forget: 11/26/16)
                           ^Your birthday.

there's a lot to say here
i don't want to write about you anymore
i have been trying to force myself to forget about you
but there are too many seconds in a day and a quarter of that is accidentally dedicated to wondering what it would've been like if we never dated
the other quarter is spent wondering how I got through my days before letting you past the wall I never let anyone through
the rest, surprisingly isn't spent on you. it's spent on things I've worked hard reaching for.
im not going to sit here and blame myself the whole time, and not you either. it was a mutual effort, you know? two very busy, emotionally unavailable, hot headed misery-ridden people trying to get in a relationship was a very silly idea of ours.
I know you and I were meant to be in some stupid way. I wish I didn't believe that. As we always said, timing was everything. We just never got it right.
Yes. I am crazy. I am crazy due to my past. I am crazy out of fear. There is physically nothing I can do to snap out of it. You knew this. I also know that you are afraid of any change, and any commitment scares you. I would apologize for how I am, but that's why you fell in love with me in the first place amongst a few other key factors.
I fell in love with the way your eyes glistened green in the sun and when it was dark out, it was brown. There was never a real in between. I fell in love with your doofy *** smile. I fell in love with the person you faked to be for one and a half months and you turned into a selfish human being shortly there after. I fell in love with your touch and how you would pull me closer to you when we'd be sleeping.
I've known you since the beginning of spring. I still remember the day we locked eyes and the butterflies there after we're crazy. Just hearing your name at the time made me smile. I couldn't tell you why. "Why are you always smiling at me?!" Youd ask. F, I couldn't ever tell you. There was something about you that I wanted. Your heart was mine for a short amount of time.
I remember the day I got mad at you because you were mean to me again and you refused to let me leave at all and kept apologizing and reassuring me that everything was okay. You pulled me as close to you as possible and told me you loved me. I don't remember the last time you did that, babe.
It's all gone now. I want to say, "until next time," but I think that ship sailed. I wish I could say that it was great until the end, but I have never felt worse being in a relationship or partnership that felt like it was consistently hanging on an emotional thread every single day. Like I said, I wasn't forever. I wanted to be. That would've been nice. But I had to go. I had to run. I couldn't continue waking up every day wondering what today will bring me. It's time for me to love myself. I deserve the happiness. And so do you. I know you'll find it. And I know you will read this.
This is my final letter and post about you. Like in that movie I love, eternal sunshine. I am erasing you from my memory. I hope everything works out for you and I hope you find that someone that will satisfy every need I couldn't meet for you.

Goodnight, angel.
-B

Open Letter to My Parents; who didn’t believe in me,
I am so thankful for all that you do for me. You truly do everything you can to provide a home and food for me, that of which I am very grateful for. You raised me and bought me plenty of materialistic things, which I am also very very grateful for.
What I am not thankful for is the way you make me feel emotionally and even mentally. Just one time I would like to hear that you’re proud of me without having to ask; “Mom are you proud?” “Did you see that Dad?! Wasn’t it good?” Just one time I would like to come home from school and get asked how school was instead of being yelled at the second I walk in the door. Just one time I want to feel loved. I just want to know that my own parents actually care. Just one time I want you to ask me about my grades, about sports, about the music I listen to. Ask me anything.
But I also want to thank you. Thank you for teaching me that I only need myself to succeed, because you were never there for me, not a single time. I learned that I only needed to make myself happy, and that is exactly what I’m doing. I do not need you anymore, and that’s pretty sad, but you pushed me away. Congrats!
So to the parents who didn’t believe in me, who didn’t hear me crying myself to sleep, who didn’t notice all the weight I lost, who didn’t come support me at my sporting events, or show up to parent teacher conferences, thank you. Thank you for making a 17 year old hate life so much that all she wants is for it to end, all because you didn’t support and believe in her. Thank you.

dear you,

hi.
you may be a stranger reading this random letter out of nowhere but to me you are a friend.
so, how is life hitting on you? i bet we’re on different edges of the boat but i’m pretty sure we’re both struggling to reach the end.  
i know we’re both on that part where fear slowly creeps our heart acupuncturing all its veins until we both become numb of the pain.
or maybe it’s just me?
this time my friend, can you stay with me until the end? it may cost our lives but please just for a while, can we stop?
can we share this moment of silence, look at each other and let our eyes speak all our feelings buried within the hidden parts of our soul?
can we pretend like we’ve known each other for a long time now and let us talk to each other for a while?
let us please share this time we’ve got and believe that it’s just the two of us in this world,
- in this world we’re both trying to escape.

my friend, please let me borrow your precious time.
let us share this moment to scream to the world our grief because really, i cannot contain it anymore.
i have long been trying to be strong but it’s not enough
i have long been trying to be brave but it’s not enough
i have long been trying to be loved but it’s not enough
i have long been trying to give up but i can’t
i have long been shouting at myself to stop thinking and expecting but I can’t
i have long been wanting to stop
but I can’t.

my eyes were shedding tears for two days now and as much as i wanted to stop it, i can’t.
forgive me for being weak and coward for sharing this to you, dear.
forgive me.
but if it isn’t too much, when words aren’t enough for us to comfort each other, when silence is all there is, when the hands of the clock are now starting to move, can you please share your tears with me?
can we cry together?
can we shout to the mountains, to the seas, to the trees, to all the living things God created, our deepest pains?
can we throw them all the words we have long been wanting to  say to the people who hurt us?
can we cry out loud, shout out loud, scream out loud until we feel our heart beats so fast because of all the ***** life had thrown upon us?
and when we’re tired of crying,
my friend,
when our knees cannot help us stand anymore,
when we can longer hear our voice..
let the gravity pulls us,
and together,
let’s look at the vastness of the sky, close our eyes and feel the last drop of tears in our face and whisper,
“**** this ****”

hello , you.
do you remember the first time we had ***? because i cant, but i can remember the last time, it was at that golf course by your house the night i popped a tire and you had to come save me.
you were always saving me.
its been exactly a year since we started to date , and about 5 months since you left. crazy right? look how far we've fallen. does it ever make you sad?
i still have yet to meet somebody who makes my heart feel the way you did , not for a lack of trying.
i see that youve moved on, i have also. i hope that she knows that you hate being told what to do, and that you like your tea with two splendas and no lemons, because you hate the seeds. and that the best way to get you to laugh is to bite your earlobe.
we aren't what we used to be , in fact we don't even speak, but i catch myself thinking about you every now and again. i hope that when you hear my name you remember all the good instead of all of the bad

I want to feel your warmth,
I want to feel wanted for once
I want to stare in your soul and understand  the entire you as much as you want to be a part of mine.
We will be the light in each other's darkness.
I want to be the one who will say that it's okay. That you're okay.
I want to feel your breath like my whole world depends on it.
I want to write about you everytime I got the chance to.
My words will be composed of your touch. Your late night calls. Your reckless plans. You.

I want to be a part of your story, too much that it kills us both.