It seems that I have now become
Part of the cyber crowd,
The digital Audience, now a member
we read the words aloud.

I guess it's sort of flattering
To be considered, just,
Groups consist of individuals-
Statutes, bits of dust.

What signifies the differences
Like similie's as metaphor?
Weak wavering words, written wickedly  
Alliterate yet metaphorically abhorre

well, now knowing it's your birthday
Suprise's Celebration for
In 39 years, will you live it out?
From ***** to **** to *****

♡

i met another stranger tonight.
in the shadows of online chat rooms,
it’s been two hours and we’re convinced we’re in love.
inappropriate photos and
a suicide pact later,
we’ll never speak again.
though i’ll text the stranger in the morning
but it’ll be in the afternoon where they are.

Twenty years ive known you,
Shocking as this sounds,
Back then I was a different person
My identity not yet found

I remember it well,
Meeting you online,
Intruiged by another culture
You were the mysterious one online!

I was obsessed with Geography
Knew every flag of the world
Spent hours staring at maps
I would never get bored

I knew I never belonged
In the land I was living then
So the atlas was an escape
From the confusion since I was ten

You spoke a different language
From the mysterious side of the world
I was fascinated by and drawn to
This different side of the world

It was an honour to meet you
I felt I was so lucky!
I now had a Russian friend
Although his English hard to comprehend

This made it just more interesting,
It showed language didnt matter
We were still able to communicate,
Even by postal letters!

I was young, insecure,
Brainwashed too at that time,
So this escape was a relief
The mysterious person online!

You temporarily rescued me
From the weirdness of my home
I dont have many fond memories
But meeting you was one

I bought a book because of you,
Called "learn Russian in 3 months"
I was drawn to the Cyrillic alphabet,
But only now 20 years on can I use it!

Russian in 3 months was hilarious,
It was never going to work
Three years yes maybe,
Thats what the title should be!

But such was your desire for English
Your skills overtook mine,
Now im surrounded by Russians,
....I wish Id learned more at the time!

By the time you came to visit
Id escaped to Scotland,
I was somehow free,
Although not yet entirely

The brain is great at deleting
Large parts of my life
But you kept all the postcards and letters
I was so surprised!

These things are like treasure,
Reminders of lost time,
Its good to regain the happy parts
And leave the rest behind

The phone call still makes me laugh
It took you so long to say each word
Even my cruel mother gave up
Trying to wait for the words

I remember the day so well
She called me to the phone
Told me theres a message
Then she left me alone!

Weird behaviour for my mother
The perplexity on her face
As she listens to the message
From a mysterious place

Now twenty years on
You've rescued me again
I got myself in a pickle
And you came up with a plan

Most people didnt care
Those I chose to tell
Except an angel, Patricia,
Her Nigerian name too long to spell

She didnt even know me
I met her through a friend
A friend from Burundi,
Now living in Scotland

In my hopeless depressing reality
Sat in a place called Gillingham,
I spoke to you most evenings
You again allowed me to escape

I looked forward to reading your writing,
Learning more about your life,
Now with your improved English
I wanted to read it all night

You knew I was desperate to leave,
And you suggested Armenia,
A country I had heard of
But shamefully only little

Meeting you in Armenia
Was the best decision by far
The best decision I had made,
Since being torn from Africa

I knew very little about it,
And yet I was ready to go!
It just shows how desperate I was
To escape from where I never planned to go

I have to say, you saved me,
If only from myself
And of course from the NHS
Who probably would have killed me

They say things happen for a reason
The universe makes a plan,
So I guess if I wasnt deported,
I might not have seen you again

You have changed my life for the better,
Although you say you dont do charity,
You even left me with your bank card,
As well as a way to make money

You may not see yourself as kind,
But that is all I see,
And I have always loved you
Ever since I was twenty :)

I’ve been snapped out of the void before
Endless relenting overthinking never did me any good
But with ego
I stubbornly persist

On an overground tram
Heading back from a casual birthday party
Casual by default since her mum insisted
On jack in the box games and a caterpillar cake at nineteen

I told her all about the online echo chamber
For my newfound identity
For which she held the same
Did she have these same experiences
These strangers liked to insist?

I will never forget how she so cool told me no
And like a slap in the face I was reminded
Of the futility of my own overthinking.
There didn’t need to be some grand explanation
For my cosmic being in the universe
I just had to exist

I am done being measured by being without a man. I am so done with dating. I am getting to a point where - remembering their information?
Darling, show me you're here to stay first.
I am done remembering facts and whole pageturner conversations.
Effort?
I might put it in when I feel like it.

Dating is horrid. Spend weeks apping and talking and sharing and caring only to part after what, date two? Three?
No, I am done.

But yes, that is the paradox. I want love.
I want THAT adventure too.
But I am done begging god for love or for fate to find me a person.

I AM DONE BEING BUILT UP, WRECKED AND HAVING TO REBUILD AFTER SOME OX DECIDES TO TRY WITH ME. I am DONE with indecision. With coldness, with superiority, with children, with babies on the side, with leftovers.

Because that is what these men have tasted like to me. Leftovers.
And I am a ******* snack, a meal at a Michellin restaurant. A ******* well-rounded, thought through, social, creative and sportive prize.

So who the **** are you to bring me down.