I can't be the panacea you've
made me out to be.
I can't be the antidote for
what ails you, but I've tried.

I've tried so hard to heal
what I never hurt,
and it wasn't enough.

Where you see my name, I see the words:
"Down The Rabbit Hole."
( I ache for you, but hate your guts. )

I don't know how
you still have a hold,
but I never learned
how to let
go.

Wrote of red strings?
I was bound by you,
but you never showed me the truth.
*** smoke and mirrors,
that's all you gave
to me.

That,
and a selection of songs I
listened to
until they felt like my own.

And it was all fun and games
until you kissed me
to every song
I ever loved.

( How could you do something so evil? )

I can't get the taste out of my mouth,

I can't un-see the oranges you left to mold
On the kitchen sink.
Just like me,
Still waiting to be held or thrown away.

Just like me, growing green with envy
for who is seen for more than just
her packaging.

"What's the cute way to do it?"

Your impersonations hurt like Hell.
So cute. So beautiful. So glad I'm here.
So glad to see me stay a few hours more,
But you never heard me sing.

( Unless it was a song you'd play. )

Never a word meant for your ears alone.

You always thought
my poetry was about you,
so I'll gift you with this.
Bottled up pain;
The feeling of knowing the meaning too late.

I hope you're satisfied—

I only wanted you to understand.

But you've only ever ran.

My white rabbit; my Peter Pan.

When I needed you, you never came.
But I sense you, coming back.

The clouds over Antwerp (so far from home)
Caress the cathedral, barely brush the dome.
The sun is mild, and the wind soft,
Yet darker, boiling things come aloft.

Tendrils of remembrance, making me a liar –
I said I'd extinguish that treacherous fire.
A torch that shouldn't be, let alone be carried,
What should stay hidden, locked, and buried.
A flashback unbidden - your easy laughter -
There is no hope, not in the After.

The sky seems paper-thin, a fake screen of blue,
Threatening to peel back, revealing only you;
The cottony clouds, an illusion that will melt,
Spilling the intensity of all that I felt;
Still feel (oh god), and I can't disperse,
You are woven in the fabric of my universe.

I wonder if you're gazing, taking in the stars,
Or dark forests whose trees seem to me like bars;
A prison: I'm trapped, without being held,
My heart saw yours and decided to weld
Us together, but the alloy didn't match –
My forever, your bad batch.
Bleeding, I hold on to the damaged patch,
Too stupid to let go, too stupid to detach.

My life stands still, as chances pass through,
And all I see, all, is that they're not you.

*

There's fog now, heavy like lead -
I wonder if the veil seeped straight from my head;
Shrouding the world in a numb ache,
Distracting my thoughts, for sanity's sake.

And your presence pulses, a soft thrum of power,
Pitter-patter of rain, a ghost of a shower.
Just like a ghost, you're gone, but you're here,
Too far to touch, but to forget - too near.

I've forgotten how to breathe without you.

And now that you're not around,

I'm suffocating, or I'm about to;

Fallen, and glued to the ground.


Claustrophobic in my own skin -

It feels wrong, existing outside your space.

Wish I could destroy the vacuum within,

What went on too long, what I should replace.


Even the world-wide plague would fade,

if compared in magnitude,

To the way you cast my soul in shade;

The memories in solitude.


And my lungs feel full of flowers,

Sowed by your unknowing hand,

And my doom above me towers,

I gasp for air - I breathe in sand.


And you, unaware of your powers,

Sleep somewhere miles away,

While I watch rainy, grey showers,

And chase my breath that just won't stay.


Seems some raindrops, small and week,

From the storm have gone astray,

Wandered in, onto my cheek,

That's why it's wet (or so I say).


And I hear talk of Crown* blight,

The fear it drives in people's hearts,

While my own still pulses with your light,

Riddled with Cupid's darts.


And they had lied when they said,

All wounds would be healed by Time:

Some sorrows stay without being fed,

Only good for fuelling rhyme.


So, on half a breath I learn to live,

Just getting by to the next day,

Tired, untethered, but with plenty to give

- for I know I must follow my way.

Will you explore me now?
Of course you discovered, laid claim,
surveyed and drew me.
But I am altered.
Our careful step-by-step paths
are trod smooth.
And I know them now, can lead you.

Will you take from me now?
Of course there are scars. Seams torn apart.
Scratched earth once shone to your touch.
Cradled and rocked, its
fine glowing dust hid in dark
secret spots.
And I know them now, can show you.

Will you feast with me now?
Of course I had little to give, but
traces of then took root, flourish here still.
Nourished by years
and by others, bear fruits worth picking apart
before tasting.
And I know them now, can feed you.

Will you return to me now?

I’m waiting  
Like a black cat in the doorway
Watching my old flame dance the night away
She flirts with any guy that comes her way
And I drink and drink until I’m okay
But I always end up on that wave train
Burying my feelings with *******
Now I’m walking home in the pouring rain
With a girl but already forgotten her name
My mind is walking around memory lane
Realising how much I miss my old flame
She was my soul mate but things changed
Our love was in a haze and gone astray
But one things for sure, I can never replace or recreate
The memories I hold of the good old days
Dancing the night away with my old flame

It is but for once a while
Stars align
A destiny only said as divine
And can be reached through trial
By fire

My life already strung
By but a single wire
For what battles already waged
My breath still hung
In memories seemed staged
Through the eyes of the blind
Obsessed in fights without valor
Just to enact a house divided
Forgotten to what is kind
And guarded without armor

Wandered alone in desert
My thirst substantial to wither
What strength I remain
Held to the light by the Seraphim
So I may ever be alert
To one day be with her
No matter how far I go insane
No matter how big I dream

For it was she that helped me see
What I was becoming
For it was she that saw
The potential for it all
And allowed my strength to build
To handle the life that is upcoming
With energy vigorous and raw
Unshaken by the ethereal brawl
So my demons would finally be killed

As the final war let out its cry
The storms that came shook
With every roar
She found reason to hide
Aching my heart to look
As my lungs ran sore
Pleading with every thought
To comfort her yet again
Too afraid I left her
So she ran for another

I tried to do the same
Spreading lies with claim
To cloud what I saw as love
With mere disdain
But in time I realized
The words she said to me during it all were true
So I took steps to begin anew
To undo all hatred I had wrought
And keep the losing flame
Running high
No matter my reach in fame
For I may be burned
When I work the courage to say
I am still in love with you