Thoughts race like lyrical melodies.
Repeating themselves like a chorus.
He can’t take the incessant chattering.
The yes, no, please make it stop of it all.

It’s too much to handle.
Handle, like he’s riding a bike with the handles disconnected.
A wall in front of him, no way to steer.
No way to brake.
Can’t get it to stop.

Here comes the verse again,
“You will hurt those you love.
You will hurt those you love
You will hurt those you love
You have hurt those you had loved.”

The verse came in,
“Attention-deficit with hyperactivity, anxious, obsessive-compulsive,
Insomniac, bipolar, with substance dependency.
A basket case with narcissistic traits, but the self-esteem that makes him drown while everyone else floats."

Stated in the order of chronological diagnosis.
Each a bookend to a chapter of his life.
Collecting disorders like pokemon cards.
Being the worst there ever was.

Help my mind won't stop.
It's screaming.                      LISTEN. LISTEN. LISTEN. LISTEN.
-let the thoughts take over-
Let them find me at my worst.
Bug -eyed-
                                                                   Obsessed over pointless memories.
Memories that won't stop running
Running round and round and round.
One person. One scene. Two scenes. Three scenes. Scream.
Four scenes. Five scenes. Six scenes. Seven scenes. Scream.
Seven hundred scenes. Eight thousand scenes. Nine million scenes. Scream.

HELP. HELP. HELP. HELP. HELP. HELP.
-my mind won't stop-

One two three three two one

Two three four three

Wait no wasn’t it four?

Start over

One two three three two one

Two three four four three two one

There you go

Continue and we will be just fine

Three four five five four three two one

Did I lock the door?

****

Start over

One two three three two one

Two three four four three two one

Three four five five four three two one

Four five six six five four three two one

You sure that was right?

Better start over just to be safe

But

Start over

One two three three two one

Two three four four three two one

Three four five five four three two one

Maybe I hurt myself...

To keep myself from hurting you...

With the thoughts begging to become actions...

I wonder what would happen,
If more people knew about how not cute OCD is.

If they knew about intrusive thoughts,
Thinking about killing yourself-

Throwing yourself in front of an amusement park ride,
Closing your eyes and walking into the street.

Stuck picking at your brain,
Ruining your day.

What would happen if...?
And knowing you shouldn't but REALLY want to.

It's not cute,
Love.

i am suspended
in a space
between what was
and what could be

Up and down,
Written in my
Own personal language,

Crossing my skin
In a sharp,
Bitter, language- personal

To me and
My skin, an
Ode to life

New year,
New me.
Or,
At least that's the idea,
Right?

I haven't really told anyone...
I've been counting calories,
Starving.
Working out.
It needs to stop,
I guess.

I'll figure it out.

New year New me.

Sounds nice.