I can't wait
until looking in the mirror makes me smile
instead of cower away in shame
that my face
this vessel that carries me
gives me warmth
yet I hurt her so much
but she keeps me going
it's not fair that I treat her this way
but I can't bring myself to love her
and cherish her like I should

They said it would heal with time
but does time really heal?
or are they just trying to put a limit on how much I can wallow?

All I have to do is go around the corner
To the other entrance to the parking lot
This should be easy
Driving is easy
I pull up to the road and look both ways
And horror strikes me to my core
The street isn’t empty

My knuckles turn pale as I grip the steering wheel
Like a cross to keep myself from shaking
My foot is on the gas pedal
The direction that this 3,000 pound machine goes
Is under my control
I lose control of my breath

I pull out onto the street

Swerve into the left lane
My mind says
There’s a family next to you
A mother singing along to the radio
A father stressing about his job
A little girl playing video games in the back
Next to her baby brother, still in a car seat
Their lives are fragile
My mind tells me
Slaughter them

I stop at the stop sign and look both ways

Humans are made of paper and glass
They collapse and shatter in a gentle breeze
And with this car I am Prospero
I can call tempests
I can crush their ribcages
Beneath the weight of metal and horsepower
Even if mother and father live
They must live with the empty space
Left behind by their much more tenuous children
I am collapsing under the weight of the power I hold
I am overwhelmed with visions of what I could do
What I might do
What I fear I will do

I turn the corner

I want to reach into my skull
And rip my brain free from its cavity
I do not want it to control me
I have no power over these obsessions
Despite the cocktail of medications I am prescribed
Despite the therapy
The conditioning
I can always pull the steering wheel
These intrusive thoughts will always infect me
They spread from my head to the rest of my body like a disease
I am sick

I pull back into the parking lot

staring off at the blank walls that surround me

I don't think I'll ever recover
from the nights I spent sobbing
staining the pillow with the makeup thats been left on my face for days
I don't even care anymore
the pent up rage
the anger
the disparity
I want it to leave

leave behind the empty vessel that once held a pure soul

OCD is a mind wreaking thing
that starts slow
just like a rollercoaster
but as soon as we think,
it's the end here,
there is another up and down motion
that controls our head.

It goes out of control
and the kind of restlessness,
it gives, is nobody can think of.
To think beyond its web,
becomes next to impossible.

You lose your sleep or either sleeps a lot
just to hide from the fears that lingers in your head.
Every breath ends with a sigh!
It's horrible!
I have felt it that's why I know it.

Normal is just a setting on the dryer.

There’s only so close to the edge you can stand until you fall off.
There’s only so much you can conceal with a smoke, a shrug, and a cough.

But if there's a god, he sure loves a trier.

I'm getting back my rhythm,
that flow that I missed,
kissed the wrong list,
I got so ******.

Punctured my own wheels,
walked up to the hills on heels,
got so tired, readily busted,
Nothing so far tested.

Preoccupied with disastrous hallucination,
I lost my sheer imagination.
took so many turns,
unguided blindly got hit by the red district.

So sorry, I missed my hit list.
Strange, where I got to sit next to the stranger,
followed the footsteps of my demons wicked derringer.

Oh my god, I've lost my mind, it's better to sleep,
Look who is talking, the loser who got easily broke and now he weeps.
Now I'm sleeping, not writing,  although I've got the rhythm and would try to write
better next time.

- shivamrealmyself

“The problem with sanity is that I CAN’T lose my mind, it’s inescapable.”  
Sanity is a spiral.  An ever-tightening coil, that goes around and around.  

One may find themselves at the beginning, their head perfectly clear.  
But as time goes by, moments of absurdity start to appear, like mosquitos at the start of Spring.  It feeds off you.  Picks at you, like a scab ready to burst.  

Until you finally reach the center and the spiral is so tight it crushes your psyche.  
But the thing about spirals is that they never end, there’s always more.  

You may never fully break,
But you can always turn around and find the beginning once more.  
And just remember,
“Your now is not your forever”
Even if the spiral may feel that way.