I don’t know why I attach these to you
Somehow, it’s what you’re addicted to that sticks
The everlasting memory of you that enters my head
Whenever I pick up a vape

Menthol plus.

And somehow, I can’t write the same words as I did to the red user
Maybe it was truly because he was an ******* through and through
But I still believe that somewhere inside there is good in you

I don’t blame you, which is perplexing
My friends tell me to. Hell, they even call you a monster
But I defend you.
Somehow I end up taking the blame for something I am not at fault for

I don’t really know what to say, I just know I wanted to write
Maybe I’ll do some journaling, or my favorite, letter-writing
Even if I know you’ll never see the words I want to tell you

Menthol Plus.

Unlike the reds, I smoke this to remember you.
The reds were bad, and it’s a bad habit whenever I pick up a stick — but hey, look on the brighter side,
I stopped thinking of him every time I picked up a red.
I noticed it with a friend at a bar. I did not even have one thought about you.

But Menthol Plus?

I am a Menthol Extra user.
The plus has always been too harsh
But why do I find myself enjoying it more nowadays
I never willingly bought it before, only a replacement for the X to get through the day
But recently, I’ve been seeking plus out.

Maybe I miss you
And the way you kiss my lips
But as I operate, avoidance is the best coping
I somehow seem to forget everything.

Am I blocking my memory on purpose to avoid the thoughts of you?
Or have I really moved on?
Is that really all you meant to me?

But I’d like to think not.
I seek out menthol plus because I know it’s your favorite flavor
You don’t talk to me anymore, and again, because of my coping, I hardly remember a time wherein you did
Sure, literally the day before we fought the fight to bring the beginning of the end,
We were talking like “normal”

But what is normal when you weren’t even a constant figure in my life?
We talked everyday, yes, that’s a fact
But It didn’t feel like we were talking

It felt like days without a meaningful conversation
I don’t know
Maybe it’s just me being delusional or me thinking the worst and only focusing on the negatives
But no, I had been feeling this feeling of disconnection for a while.

We’d see each other, it would get better, but then the cycle would repeat.

I guess I’ve been searching for you for months now,
But now I can only find you in your favorite flavor.
If you won’t touch my lips any longer,
At least this pod will.
At least the memory of your taste will hit my lips again, even if it’s just a copy.
Because I guess this is better than nothing.

And honest to god, I miss the way you kiss me.
But we won’t get into that right now.

I’ve been missing you for months
A ghost of a person who wasn’t there
I miss my boyfriend — a sentence repeated over and over to my friends
And yes, again, we talked every day,
But I missed the person who I started dating.
I miss my boyfriend from when he became my boyfriend

I don’t understand why he got complacent or why he was always so annoyed at me,
But again, avoidance.
I’ve decided that it doesn’t matter anymore.
It was perfectly reasonable all the things I asked for

And here again I’m missing you
Inhaling the the toxin into my lungs
Letting it touch my lips
Hoping to taste you again
But this will merely function as a substitute until I can taste you again
— probably never
But for now, this will have to do.

i lit my cigarette like a birthday candle
and i wished for your name
everyday
through my puffed up coughs
and bleary eyes