It’s spring break and I cant scroll through instagram
without seeing pictures of people on vacation.
its all the same for the most part, sunny and warm
beaches all around the world.
the most popular place, however, is Florida.
I’ve always wanted to go to Florida
but not always for disney or the sunshine.

Have you ever tried explaining the term half-sister
to an elementary school kid?
my parents did, and failed. I never once called you
my half-sister, because all that mattered was the sister part.
and it still does today.

I can't remember how old I was when
you moved to Florida for the first time.
but I do remember wishing I could go with you,
how I always asked dad when you were coming back,
and how he never answered me.
eventually I stopped asking, but I used to save my coins hoping I could go see you one day.

when I was 13, you came back.
you told me how I’ve grown and how much you
missed me.
I told you how I loved your short hair and how much
I missed you too.
you didn’t stay for long, and I don’t blame you
our family was never good at making you
feel welcome.

that was 7 years ago, but it feels like another
lifetime. almost like, somebody else’s story.
after I saw you leave again, I didn’t bother
to ask when you’d be coming back
because the way you said goodbye gave me my answer.
but I never once stopped thinking about you,
even after everyone else did.

I’m 20 now and, I’m not sure I want to go to
Florida anymore.
the thought of me running into you while
posing for a spring break picture scares me,
more than I care to admit.
I don’t want to see you because i know
you wouldn’t be proud of who I am today.
mistakes have turned into bad habits
and I’m still trying to unlearn them.

so for now, and maybe forever, I’ll stay
away from Florida.
I’ll let you exist in your own world,
but you’ll always be a part of mine.
I hope the last time you saw me,
still lives on in your memory.
I’m not the same girl I was 7 years ago,
but sometimes I miss that girl too.
maybe one day, the both of us
can meet the person I am trying to become.

You taught me that a bird
must leave the nest and fly.

That in time,
I would leave
and soar towards the sky.

It was your love and guidance
that reinforced my wings.

You lifted me before,
I soared
towards life's most precious things.

I am missing you
I am missing every word
of our conversation.
I am missing our first & last date
Which happened unexpectedly fabulous.
I am missing that Passionate hug &
honey dipped kiss you planted on my lips.
I am missing your arms
Curled me up & not letting me to go.
I am missing those silent talks,
We had for hours & hours.
I am missing that promise
to meet again......which was never fulfilled.
Now I miss myself
having You in Me.

I wake, drenched in sweat.
The sounds of the sirens echo through my nightmares
Dragging me back into this cold existence that no longer holds you.
As reality sinks back in,
And the memory of your permanent departure takes hold,
I melt back into the darkness.
The darkness of the sheets,
Of the night,
Of my mind.
-ALC March 13, 2015

I answer the phone,
And my heart stops.
My eyes blur,
And my world cracks.

I am on the ground
Hugging my knees to my chest,
And I am numb.

I don’t feel the shaking of my body,
I don’t hear my sobs that wrench from my cracking body
I don’t see the people stare at me as they witness my utter destruction.

My body is breaking.
My soul is shattering.
My whole world is growing dark,
And the only thing I can do is scream,
And shake,
And cry,
And wish to take you’re place.

I can’t fathom a world where I can’t call you
Where you won’t be there to give kind advice,
And stern reality.

With a shaking voice, I ask “How will I ever be the same without him?”
My stepmother responds “You wont.”
-ALC March 13, 2019

The day I found out about you I was terrified. How was I exposed to be a mom?
The day I saw your heart beat I was terrified. How could something so small change your whole life?
The day I felt you move inside me I was terrified. How can one little flutter of movement make me doubt everything I’ve ever known?
But those fears ment nothing compared to the day I felt the pain.
23weeks 4 days
That’s how long I thought I felt fear.
The day you came into the world was the day I felt real fear.
How can the pain I felt mean absolutely nothing as long as you took your first breath?
How is it I couldn’t keep you inside me where you belonged a little while longer?
How come I never got to hear the voice of the one person who changed my whole world?
How is it fair that I watched you die when I would have given my soul to make you live?
How do I go on without you in my life?
How do I breath without you when you can’t take a breath again?
How do I live now when I feel nothing because you were my everything?
You taught me what true terror feels like.
HOW DO I LIVE NOW?!?