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Fidel Jul 2021
I’m sorry I tell you to ******* and disappear
I don’t mean to hurt you but it’s who you didn’t want me to be.

I’m sorry I’m sick,
I don’t mean to burden you more than I already have but growing up you told me we all had a purpose and for once I’m finishing what I started.

I was a stubborn kid with loose pants and no pockets, meaning no ***** taken and all hands all out on you
But even then you never got rid of me which ***** with my mind because why would you wanna be with me?

Yeah I guess you must be proud I ain’t drop out but I remember we up at 3 studying so I wouldn’t have to,
I’m just sorry you can never really hear what I’m saying
On one hand I want you to understand me but on the other I don’t want you to feel bad for me.

You tell me I was God’s greatest gift then tell me what the **** does that ****** know about life?
He planed a life of real tragedy, ******, shots gangsters and pacts for me but here we are instead I’m just suffering inside. And trust me take a moment I do wanna say how I’m thankful for all I was given, I just wish you didn’t have to live this life with me.

I’m sorry you had to find me on the floor,
I’m sorry you had remodel your life for me,
I’m sorry you had to be there when they diagnosed me,
I’m sorry you had to be there to see me mad,
I’m sorry Mama,
and I love you with all my heart.
Fidel Jul 2020
On a rainy winter night, us equally as lonely and sober
Found each other like a match made in heaven.
You trying to get the ***** from me and me, just trying to get you.
We stopped as you held my hand and I kissed you.
Sure we had our ups and downs, but all I wish I could do is go back in time and find you on a different day,
On a different day when we could be together
On a different day when I would appreciate you
On a different day when I would say I love you.
I can’t deny you are the reason I cry myself to sleep every night, **** it doesn’t have to be this complicated, take my hand and we’ll surf this wave.
But all the miscommunication, me alone and sober or accompanied and drunk.
I let my guard down when I met you,
How could I not?
You were the girl of my dreams.
And at the end of every fight I cried because I just wanted you to be alive,
I was tired of meeting other personalities, I wanted my V and my V only.
I convinced myself we weren’t meant to be because that was easier,
Easier than saying I love you.

We don’t talk anymore and I doubt we ever will but in case you were wondering I’m good don’t worry,
I just...
Love the feeling of the blade too much,
How easily is cuts, like you through my heart.
I pull the handle back and let it bleed, as I watch from above, the cells of my “perfect self” slowly drip out.
I pour myself to sleep because it’s easier than imagining you moving on, and though you say it was hard, you will never understand what’s like to love someone who doesn’t give a **** about you.

Every time I cry I grab myself a bottle, and when I’m liquored up I feel it,
I feel it so strongly that I can point out the pain,
Don’t save me from myself, I’ve always been fine on my own.

I wish I could hold you one last time before I forget what’s like to love,
And don’t worry,
You always thought I drank too much,
You and my doctor both,
But I realized drinking won’t **** me, loving you will.
Fidel Mar 2020
I used to be upset I could not fall in love,
God looked tired at me and said,
“Here you go then.”
He gifted me an angel, an angel so pure she never spoke,
A glance stopped my heart,
A smile melted my heart,
A look just, filled it.
In a day I noticed her
In a week I liked her
In a year I bought her a ring
In two years I planned our wedding
In three years I gave the wrong girl her ring.

I can’t change anything,
If I could I would be asleep,
But I won’t rest til I fix what I did to you,
All I wanted was a new chance and the big man looked down at me and said yes,
He told me, “life is too short to wait,”
So I just went over to your house, I guess you could say I was very “50/50”
We never finished it but I’ll tell you, he beat it,
He got the girl and they lived happily after,
I left in the middle so I wouldn’t give you hope, I loved you so much that I couldn’t see you cry,
I’m sorry, I really am but, I love you.

The angel was gone,
She saw the real in me and flew away,
I can still see her looking at me, never did I even imagine that was the final look she would give me,
Like I didn’t imagine that was the last time you’d fight for me.

I never know where I’m supposed to go,
You say I don’t apologize for the right things so I’ll tell you what
I chose the wrong girl.

The fool in me could not fight for you, but at least I think we got one thing settled, you did love me more.

After she left I lost all my hopes at love,
I began to doubt everything I had ever done,
So without a hope left, you slid up my story.
I asked the big guy, I begged him everyday, “please just please give me one tiny chance more at love and I swear I’ll make it right.”
It took some convincing but after a year begging he gave me a chance so small I called it my muffin.

Muffin and me snuck around the city always up to no good, but I didn’t really care what we did, all I wanted was to tell the world about you.
Some things will never change, back when we were together muffin and me spent the whole night together
Now muffin, I spend the whole night up waiting for you to forgive me.

Muffin and I now don’t talk,
Maybe muffin will never forgive me
But I’m still just that boy,
The one who hurt you,
Just please remember, it takes a lot of rain for us to see the rainbow.

A bitter sweet man hated everything about you,
A lemon boy misses everything about you,
Your never changing color hair, your beautiful smile, your will to sound smart by using big words when making compelling arguments, and how could I not mention, your cat and your mom too.

I was a fool falling in love, too hurt to be trustful, only now do I believe you truly loved me,
Some things really do take time,
And even though I lost you, hopefully someday you find someone better,
Someone your father doesn’t hate,
Someone always down to see your friends,
And more importantly, someone your mother doesn’t have to defend.  

I told you I’d never lie, and I didn’t, I just lied to the big guy, I told him I’d make it right.
Guess I really ******* this up,
But it just goes to show you, that you deserve someone way better, someone who has time for you,
So I’m sorry for wasting your time,
I just loved you too much to delay the tears, I knew they would hurt much more in Summer.

I told you I’d always be there,
If there is forever then forever, is the same.
I miss hearing your voice, call me,
Whatever time that might be,
I love you muffin.
Fidel Feb 2020
I’m falling apart

Messing with use
Inducing your friends to let go
Saying clouds were dark
Saving lives never let you save yours

You could never save me from doomsday
Or even worse save me from myself
Until you loved me that is...

Had another smoke when your name came up,
Or maybe I was drunk
Either way you haunt me everyday, **** ily.

You always taught me how to heal the pain,
But you never showed me how to deal with rain.
Only in the rain did I ever notice how it seems to stay,
Calm, quiet, and rumbly.
Just an image in the mirror you are nothing but my past, now I just pray to god you leave my dreams
Because I don’t remember the last time I slept.

It can’t get no better, it’s all you asked for
Now sit and relax I’m gonna improvise but hold on let me sip this glass-
Do it with me:
Inhale— exhale,
Sometimes that’s all you need to find the answer.
Back on track like ******* crack,
Harsh ****— how I feel?
How I feel... I feel amazing, incredible, unbeatable, like the less gifted Superman,
“You are special, gifted, you are, super.”
I wish I was rich, wish I was handsome, wish I was— the man you said I’d be.

I done ****** up with a bottle of whiskey in the dead of night but everything’s okay—
Take a breath enjoy the day, light the night and **** the sun.
I’m not gonna cry, there’s a thousand more bad times ahead of mine and trust me, everything’s ok.

Bodies breaking down on the city’s lap,
They just do but they don’t know why,
So while you fill the streets it’s important to be, the rich **** your parents want you to be
You’re thrown into this new lifestyle filled with ******* you won’t ever see
A depressing ******* style where we never smile,
We paint our faces with **** and hope to god it don’t drip,
My dreams your dreams our dreams will never exists, no.
Big Bang, big bang for the land
Turn forever, hand in hand,
Taking all in all your time,
It is ticking, falling down,
Love forever, love is free
Let’s turn forever, you and me.
Fidel Oct 2019
You like your nights empty and fast deprived,
I can’t put my ******* phone down because it’s the only way to show you I cry,
I should probably look away goodbye but your looks have crossed me high,
Don’t taint it, I chugged a bottle to get your eyes but looked down and you had left me goodbye,
She says you are no good, to me, I love you with all my life and your love don’t love me so should I, just fly?
I look down hopeless, with no reason, quest or objective, but your heart has been redefined,
I run and fall but you are my catch so what do I do now?
May have been your crazy self in Major but I’ll tell mine was flat out,
Thought I told you I’m not good at goodbyes but I can’t just **** it all tonight,
I’m left broken hearted and cemented because your love was my elixir, so what do I do now that I am not remembered? Just go around asking:
Why did you play me? Was I just another mistake? I don’t want answers just solutions let me fix this please don’t break it.
You will never know the truth unless you ask for it, your friends don’t know me so they can’t say, what I did or didn’t, it was all just plain sweet plans,
But deep inside you had your doubts that left me point blank,
To that I say **** the world it’s you and me, babe.
Fidel Jun 2019
I’ve got a butterfly in my pocket,
Torments in my head and a devil on my shoulder,
I sit along a burning house where I light up my smoke,
All I can think of is her.
She ran away,
Left me no notice,
As the rain ruined my sesh I could feel your hand making its way down my shirt
Took an opened eye and a smile to hereby notice the rain felt warmer than her.
I’m walking in the rain as she enjoys her new man,
I’m walking in the rain wondering who put the spiders in my applesauce,
I’m walking in the rain wondering why I introduced the two,
I’m walking in the rain,
A fool with no name
A clown with no face
A prisoner with no crimes.
As I lean against the tree, I hear a voice calling my name,
All it says is to check my phone
And all I see is a text from her asking when I’ll be home,
From giggles and s* we got to drinks and theft
From movies and talks we got to no texts and coughs,
From Uber rides and bjs we go to my new b
* and her tears.
Every time she cry, please bear in mind, it’s your fault not mine.
Fidel Apr 2019
My dear,
I don’t feel so good,
I death is on its way,
I will write you,
Like nothing is happening,
I put the world war aside for you
And even with explosions behind my back,
I feel so alone.
I could tell you how much I love you,
How much I adore you,
But I don’t think your boyfriend would much enjoy that,
Would he?
All and every attempt to be noticed
I’ll call you ‘friend’
Just as long as you call me when the party is over
Tell me you love me
Tell me you miss me
Tell me you need me,
But the morning you wake up,
When all my hopes are up, and I’m high on love
You wake up to tell me you don’t remember anything.
And all my life, I will just wish I had you closer,
Closer so close you would never ever leave me,
You only love me when you are drunk or drinking,
But even when you wake up and forget about my face, I will still love you silently, deeply and endlessly
Wishing she was you.
Wanna go for coffee?
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