i will admit
i am not the type of girl
to go to a bar and sit in a cloud of smoke
and listen to music purely because it is live
and i apologize if that is what you were expecting of me
but that is just not me
i am the type of girl
to go to old hidden bookshops and inhale the scent of literature
i am the type of girl
to sit on my bed at 4 am and talk about all the thoughts to a friend
i am the type of girl
who is more interested in sitting around a bonfire than going to a mall
i am sorry to any human expecting anything more or less of me
but i am not like that, it's just not me
i am a homebody, i am an lover of the arts, i am an introvert
i am a lot of things, but i am not a loud and extroverted human
i love my comfortable home and my few friends
now you are aware of my awkwardness and inability to be uncomfortable
i refuse to do something i don't want to
i am not going to do something purely because of the view of others
i am me, i am not going to change
and you are you, and you shouldn't have to change to get along with me
i apologize for expecting that of me, but then again
i am not going to apologize for being me

Sitting patiently on the edge,
Heart pounding and stomach knotted,
I prepare to take the plunge.
My conscious warding me away,
The depression shoving me towards.
My palms smell of sweat
And body of untaken showers.
Gripping my pack and lighter,
I walk into the room with overlapping chatter
And head straight for the *****.
With shaking arms and swelled eyes,
I take a sip of future regret.

Tears brimming in my eyes
Like a volcano ready to explode.
Instead I keep it within myself,
Shredding my insides
And melting my skin.
A cry for you is swallowed,
Escaping for a moment
Only to be clapped over,
Sobbing into these hands.
The air in my lungs fill with smoke,
I shake as I am ready to erupt.
"Explode explode explode."
Instead I sit back and watch
Myself from third person perspective.
The screams of pain
Filling up this brain
Like a volcano ready to explode.

It will soon be summer
and you will also leave.
And the plates of the earth
will rearrange themselves,
to retain the distance
they love to keep.
Soon my arms would be empty
and slowly they would learn
to hold you better,
to hold you close,
only when you’ve gone.

My cell phone lights up
Its my friend George:
Come back to the hospital Chris
You cannot afford to miss this

I stare at my withered face a little longer
in the mirror
My reflection has been torn asunder
I look tired, unfit to wear the uniform
thrown under my desk
Combing my hair, checking my teeth
I allow this present demon to dissipate
Amongst the broken tendrils
of haunting thoughts
And a horrible screaming cacophony

Meeting my gaze and preparing
for whatever the weather
has become outside
Pulled by a premise of the reprisal
to my fantasy
Perhaps the length of this silence
Is actually foreshadowing a miracle
I believe

I'm led by the shadows
of alternate realities
Harnessing the power to stifle this sequestering doubt
and all my fears
As I shut the door, I walk with footsteps
That imagine running to greet you
Holding you tight and holding back tears
As if it was the first time I'd meet you

I strengthen my resolve
It brings me pain to revolve
My strained thoughts
Around fairy tales
All the while Jacoby Shaddix is echoing
'She loves me not'
My third eye blind pushes me in
'The background'
And simultaneously, I tell myself
'Keep the soul, that's control'

I feel my heart pounding in my chest
Beads of sweat trace the lines of my palms
Because I know that if I had seen her today
I could leave everything else behind
It would all be beautifully different
Instead I receive the most disappointing news this week

Because I've learned that when the difference between
What you know and what you believe
Is rubbed in your nose and laid at your feet
Even that cupcake...
And everything else is bittersweet

.Heat.
Must hold on,
Closer, until, meld ontop of-
Body against, heat of body,
Holding on, to someone,
Someone I love- like a ladybug,
Like a lizard, so cold, just want,
Body heat. Just need reptilian comfort,
Drunk, cuddled, human to human,
Hold me. One sec more. One more minute-
Such strong arms-
Wrap around me, I drape across you
You don't mind? Do you?
Only us, no other, no one else in all
In all the city, the country, provence, world
Just us. So just. Please
please.
Remember it was just us, once.
And you, you couldn't tear yourself away from me and I
I tried to slip away but now I
I can't move away for all the
Motivation in the world
warm
Let me be a lizard
Let me be dependant upon your warmth
.Let me..

I don't ever want you to leave
I can't imagine life without you
Where I am and who I am
Every tear I shed for you

My love is overflowing
And nothing can intercept us
Or break us
We are unstoppable if you
Would take my hand and trust my heart and soul
To keep you safe within them

With tired eyes I look beside me and you aren't there
I crave to see your warm blue eyes looking into mine

Don't worry dear I am trying
I am gonna make it happen
I am gonna try my hardest

Fall and get up
Climb the highest of mountains
And push against the current

Distance
There is no border between us just lots of roads
Rarely do we hold each other but when we do I know

That my heart hurts for you but it loves you so
My heart skips and races , it slows and it flutters , with every look, with every touch , the soothing sounds you make and when our lips meet

You are my sun and my stars you are a universe

I love you and it only gets stronger

It's okay if you cry and it's alright if you feel like a gray sky

Cause it is just a feeling love and the truth is that you are not

You are a vast and beautiful sky , pink and blue and firey Orange
Full of something more
More than you can ever imagine

And as the day darkens and we run through the sand
I just wanna keep feeling your hand

Promise that you will never fade
You are the light that guides me to a safe place

And that place is your arms
Lead me into your arms

Never let me go and
We can heal each others scars

Kiss me again and again as we grow old
I'll kiss you again and again through warm summers and the cold

I love you
You are not a burden
You are a galaxy

That I forever want to explore

Let me tell you about Puerto Vallarta.
How cool air comes in over the ocean,
and how even in the rain the boardwalk
is beautiful and serene.
Let me tell you about sipping a sangria
in old town and the bouncing bridge
and the old fountain in the square.
Let me tell you about the new club
they opened in the basement across the street
and the top floor suite where I lay
with a man for the first time.

Let me tell you about Mexico.
The way the poolside music wakes me at 11
Let me tell you about El Panorama,
watching fireworks from the pirate ship below
Lighting up the bay as I dig into the
best steak, best views, best service
Let me tell you about Quimixto, Las Caletas
Days spent dancing on boats, and scuba diving
The same waters we fish and surf on
One with nature and the city

Man, I miss this and Gerry,
Four years to the day we met I'll be there
Telling the ocean about you, just for one day.
But you may never see these things you missed,
Your bare feet are no longer welcome upon the sand

Let me tell you....

*Let me tell you of
Taking my two best girlfriends there,
From the market to the marina,
And the flowers the men would give us-

And in another week that'll be me again,
Older but still free, soaking up the sun,
Flirting and dancing and swimming
Just my 23rd year down in PV,
And my story goes on