Empty skies at dusk,
promises drift with the breeze—
tomorrow is gone.

I’m a deep sleeper, like sleep-through-
three-alarm-clocks deep,
but as soon as u-hit-me-up,
I’m here and ready to go,
dreams cracking like brittle eggshells,
Snap & I’m awake,
pixels sifting me through a screen,
ghosting me into the flow-of-a-glow,
of what? I don’t know.
Blurry muscle massaged messages,
folding my body into u.
Text me awake & i rise like
auto-corrected prayer,
like the night forgot to be lonely,
to u.
where do u go when you dream?
Snap & i’m gone,
chasing a buzzy buzzed flash,
just a ping of wssp
in the bed we used to share,
in the reply where sleep
pulls me under again.

*** is summer lightning,
not a moment of release,
but escape into earth.
Let me bury my thoughts
in your movements,
awkward/copied until I find the pattern.
Practice makes perfect,
and I am the starving artist,
forgetting self when synced,
flesh memory taking over-
Until I’m thrown back,
watching murmurs fall from the lips
of my lover.
Waiting for you
to say the words
that I can’t say,
and repeat them back
to you.

Picture this:
Let’s say you’re a shy actor but not in movies but in theatre
And you’re ready to blow people’s minds with a performance that you have planned for the longest of times
But you’re scared of looking at people in the eye; especially an audience like this
So, your mind tells you to go up there on stage and give it your all
But when you step your foot out of the curtain you can feel the presence of a thousand eyes now locked in
You go into the center of the stage with your head glued to the wooden floorboards and before you take a breath in you start to have an idea
“Just close your eyes during your performance and open them when you’re done” that’s what your mind said
And you did just that
With both of your eyes closed shut
You began to perform your greatest talent that is filled with love and excellence
Or that’s what you at least thought
After you are done you open your eyes slowly starting to feel better about yourself
You raised your head
But in your surprise, there was no one to be seen
All the seats were empty
The doors are all closed
No voices or applause or chanting or cheering coming your direction
The entire atmosphere was dull and quiet
In fact, the spotlight that was right above when you first went onto the stage was gone
So, you’re left in darkness in the theatre
You felt confused and astonished because you knew that during the middle of your performance you could hear voices of different people coming your way but now that you opened your eyes fully all the voices stopped
Your body is telling you to get out of the stage, but you couldn’t
it was if your mind has shifted with the voices into the abyss
So now you’re frozen
Can’t move
Can’t act
Can’t dance
Can’t perform
tears running down your face as you stand still with your head glued onto the wooden floorboards again
And during this moment in this very quiet scenery the only sound that you can hear was your tears colliding onto the ground
This time was different because your eyes are open and not shut
You start to regain your movement again after being frozen and wipe away your tears
Starting to think about what to do next
Should you walk away from the stage and leave or look for where the audience left to
You couldn’t decide
Your mind has abandoned you
But for a second you started to feel something strong
It was your heart
And now your heart is telling you to just keep on performing but this time with your eyes open
And for a second you thought it was stupid and unnecessary for the situation you’re in, but you decided to go for it just for fun
You did a whole redo of a performance last time with your eyes open and not glued to the ground
And even though it was dark and empty from where you are you felt warmth approaching your way
And then 5 seconds later you see someone open the door and without thinking you begin to feel whole again

It’s 9:10 PM
I should be asleep
but unfortunately, I just can’t
I can hear my brother’s voice through my door
And can also hear my father’s voice propel back at it
While the weeps of my mother’s voice are in between
This is not new to me
So, I did what I always did when this scenario occurred
And that is by playing guitar
With this idea in mind, I get up from my bed
Grabbed my guitar that was next to my closet
Plugged it into my amp
and put my headphones on
Now I just need a song in mind
Something loud
Something distracting
“Maybe some title fight” I said
With my pick in my hand I play the first chord
And the guitar played the rest
As time past and the song coming to the end
The voices of my mother and father went away
“They probably went back to bed” I thought
But I still heard my brother mumbles
His footsteps turned into stomps that then stopped
And I herd a door slam shut that came from his room
“Jeez what the heck he was saying back there” I thought
My headphones went back into my ears to block his mumbling
And I went back into finishing the song before I go to bed
Time passes
When I strummed my guitar for the last time
I take my headphones off
Unplug my guitar from the amp
And put the guitar away
But then I heard a big thud echoed through my door
Slowly I opened my door and looked through the hallway
As my door opens wider and wider
I start hearing something
Not voices
Not mumbles
Just a song
In fact it was the same song I just played on guitar
The song was coming from my brothers room
As I walked to his room the song got louder and louder
I knew it was coming from his record player since he had a vinyl collection at the time
I slowly open his door
But then time stopped for a minute
His room was dark
Title fight was playing on the record player
Their was chair that seemed to be knocked into the ground
And I saw two feet swinging in the air
I took one step forward
Looked up
And then I saw my mumbling brother
With his head in the ceiling fan

i got hit with the true reality the other day,
and the reality always hurts.
the reality that sometimes things don't go your way,
and sometimes the person you thought God made for you was made for someone else.
and it's hard to understand that,
its hard to understand that you are not ment for them.
it's hard to understand that some things that some things that you wished were ment to be arn't.
and every song you sent to them,
every song they sent to you,
it'll remind you of them.
thats the true reality.
but there will be a time of all of Jesus's healings will finally heal you whole.
there will come a time where you will hear that song on the radio,
and think,
hey thats a good song,
and not start crying to the beat of it.
there will come a time when you won't beat yourself over what you could've done differently that would change the way he feels about you.
Some things arn't ment to be permanent,
thats the true reality.

swaying to the thick summer breeze.
the sun, always at its peak
blazing on dry floridian ground.

hand in hand, intertwined by fate,
played by the gods of love.
a spark meant to last before the bells toll.

separated by foreign lands,
unfinished plans,
waiting for the last dance.

sweat trickle on tanned skins,
bodies wrapped within reach,
passion and lust fused.

this is the curse that binds us together.
to my lover from the distant land -
may hecate cross our roads again.

here i am sat in the windowsill
of a person's office while they're working

if i am slow enough, and quiet enough
maybe i will be able to get by
but i am so lost and they look so intelligent
i want to ask them for directions back outside.

the tree in the window, a foul reminder of where i was before
all this happened.
i stare at it, and it stares back at me with a strange sense of distant
sympathy, the tree.

the human at their wooden desk
with machines whirring and fans spinning
takes notice of me here.

and oh, my woes,
i shall spill them on this windowsill
and lament for a life short lived.
these days, a spider is no short of 8 steps toward death
after seconds of being born.

but i am old, and i have lived
a great three months of my life.
somewhere between half or a quarter of my lifespan.
middle age has been kind to me, i am plump and i am intelligent.

my webs will serve as a story for the others to see
a warning for them to read that this human is
like the others i have heard of,
cruel.

but, they stand up, and they speak to me.
they call me friendly. they inspect me.
i feel rather embarrassed, so i try to hide behind the blinds
but the human opens them, and their big eyes peer into all eight of mine.
i try to escape but i'm frozen to the windowsill.
"this is it", i begin to say my final speech. my family is somewhere outside, resting, while i am face to face with death.

and the human stares at me, and speaks to me
like the giant furry thing with three legs that they called 'cat',
and for a moment that at first felt fleeting, and soon became a warmth, i felt... loved.

"friendly little intruder! you shouldn't be here, you'll starve."
they say with their sing-songy voice.
they skitter out, much like i move myself in the windowsill.
i try to find a means to hide, or a bug to eat. a place to make a web, and hope that i am scary enough for them to leave me alone.

but they return, and they place a dome over my head.
at first, i am fearful. they are so much bigger than i,
and i have heard the stories.
but, the shoe that they had brought sits idly. it is not an expectation, but a last resort.
and i peer into the dome, and see caring, gentle eyes distorted through plastic peering back at me.
a smile on their face, a shaking to their breath.
we're both scared, but for different reasons.

i want to ask them: why? why do you help me and why are you scared? i cannot hurt you.
they whisper that they don't want to hurt /me/.

and then it all feels so fleeting, from that point on.
i watch their nurturing gaze through the lens, before it is lifted above my head.
this time, i freeze, but not out of fear. we are working together to go back outside.

i am introduced to a small plastic wrapper of something too big and too foreign for me to understand,
but, what i did understand, is that there is my way out of this windowsill.
so i crawl on it, and the human puts me in their little plastic dome
a lid with freshly pierced holes for breathing comes down over it, trapping me inside for my brief ride to the outdoors.

when the big front door opens,
i wonder if i could show my gratitude.
so i linger a while, and i stare at the human who stares back at me with a patient smile.
i wiggle my my chelicerae, cleaning them with my fangs to show content.
the human recognizes it.

i have never felt safer, in these few seconds, than with this human and this mystery plastic out on the concrete of their porch.
"you will have a much easier, and better time out here, little spider friend!" they beam, and i cannot help but hesitate going home.

because what is one more day and night in the windowsill
of a friendly human and their plastic domes, and cheerful eyes?
there is no harm in staying, when they will not **** me.
so i think i will invite my friends, next time.

I
for
got
for
mality
for
it fermented
itself
in
for
ming
years of
com
for
t

it’s starting to feel like I enjoy doing things that remind me of you
like being emotionally unavailable
or becoming untranslatable when I tell him something vague about where I’ve been
i’m sure you spoke those words to me
it feels strange now, embodying the lies you fed me
but I’m just as hungry and
All the fresh fruit become rotten eventually

i think I like having casual *** as a way to say *******
******* for making me unable to love
unable to enjoy anyone else
ruining me for everybody
for making me feel like I was hard to love and easy to lose
i still stare at scars and tears flicker through the overlapping years
At what point did my bare skin became stained?
At what point did you carve your name?

you were my storm drained rock
i couldn’t keep it together in the rain
maybe rivers flow through and through
and she led you back to the pacific
It was a specific night;
I came back to the edge of that lake before
The only thing that had changed was I enjoyed it more when I was with you

raindrops trickled on that lake; the reflections blurred
there where blue skies and white clouds before
now it’s you and her
and I just can’t unsee it