when i feel ugly or unwanted, i wear jeans to bed.
and when i feel hurt and worthless, i wear jeans to bed.
so when you told me without words that i wasn't good enough for commitment, i wore jeans to bed.
and when i call things off between us, i'll wear jeans to bed.

your staring made me uncomfortable. not in the way that i felt your eyes penetrating my skin, but in the way that you are not allowed to look at me because you have chosen not to notice me for days now. you don't deserve to see me, i am invisible to you now, or at least i should be.
your haunting presence made me feel inadequate. your eyes on my skin reminded me that you only feel obligated to spend time with me. everything i thought that was real never was. how am i going to bring myself to tell you no when you finally decide you want to call and tell me all about it? you don't deserve to hear me, you don't deserve to recognize me after telling me you feel obligated. you can feel obligated elsewhere, then. i'm removing myself, now. i'm sorry.
i wish i was good enough.

i'd rather be silent, than speak and not be heard, so when you told me you felt OBLIGATED to spend time with me, i just shut my mouth.
when a vase breaks in an empty house, and no one's there to blame, did it ever break at all?
i am that vase.

when you told me you felt OBLIGATED, did you mean that all the time, or just that one time? do you feel OBLIGATED to kiss me? when do you stop feeling OBLIGATED and start actually giving a **** about me?

i can't even tell you how i feel right now. you'll feel OBLIGATED to pity me for being upset. your emotions are more important to me than my own anyway, i guess i just feel OBLIGATED to put everyone above me. i never feel OBLIGATED to care about myself.

so when you feel OBLIGATED to hang out with me, maybe start to learn to feel OBLIGATED to tell me you don't want to. so that i don't feel like you always felt OBLIGATED to look at me.

my hurt is no one else's burden to carry, but mine, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.
so maybe feel a little OBLIGATED to stop asking me what you did wrong. maybe feel a little OBLIGATED to stop feeling OBLIGATED to spend time with someone you call a friend.

but you didn't feel the same.
you felt an obligation to make someone happy, why?
you lied to me this whole time, why?
you do more harm than you do good, you know? i stick around hoping that you'll change your mind and want me, you never do.
this painful game of waiting to be good enough for you never stops.
i'm a pawn in your game, it's all i ever was. i'm just a playing piece you want to offer up for the other team's grabs.
you cannot wait to be rid of me.
everyone loves me when i'm an idea in their head, aa fantasy, and then they meet me.
i meant nothing to you; i gave you everything i could, but it was still not enough.
it's all never enough. i was never enough.
admit it, you feel obligated. and you never wanted me.
you wanted an idea.
you felt obligated.

you have the brightest smile i've ever seen,
for a second, watching you smile makes me forget i've ever been in pain.
you're like a beacon of light through a stormy sea of clouds-
i'm so happy to have met you.

i know most times i'm pessimistic about my looks, who i am, and my situations,
but you remind me each and every day of the beauty i didn't see in myself before.
no one's ever treated me the way you do.
thank you.

maybe once this pandemic is all over,
i can finally do all the things i want with you!
our cute date ideas that we've stacked up,
the hugs, and kisses, and cuddles we managed to imagine for so long.
it's so weird, but it feels like i've known you my whole life.
you're a stranger who has become so important to me.

maybe i rush things, i wonder, but you always give me the same energy i give you.
maybe you think i rush things, too, but you won't say it.
i like you a lot, you're very intelligent, you're handsome, you're caring, gentle, funny, radiant, and you seem to fit just right into my life.
maybe, again, i'm being too rushy. maybe i'm overthinking.
perhaps, though, you feel the same?

either way, i'm falling for you every day, more and more. each phone call and every smile makes my heart flutter. i wish i had words to describe it.
you mean a lot to me, already. i hope i do the same for you.
i'm sorry if this is too much.

i can't help but look at you.
you're so focused on your video game, but every detail of your face stands out to me.
it feels like every little thing you do makes it harder for me to hold back my emotions.
i'm falling for you.
not in the romantic cliche way that they write about in novels or movies.
i'm terrified.
you're so easy to talk to it's like we've known each other our whole lives.
my only thought through it all is: what if you leave?
when will you finally decide this is one-sided, and you give up? i'm sorry i don't show you how i feel.
i want you to know, though.
i want you to want me as much as i want you, and i hope you do.

what dictates a date anymore?
i'm unsure.
ever since the virus struck, i've questioned so much.
is my degree working toward something considered "essential"
or will one day in the future when another sickness rules, i be laid off
and labeled
non-essential?

my whole life i've been non-essential in people's lives.
i've been the off-brand toilet paper that people wait till the charmin's run out to buy.
i've been the wal-mart brand frozen pizza that serves slightly less purpose than digiorno.
why haven't i ever been the prego? the heinz?

i wonder why.

and what dictates who i am?
is it the labeling on my outside, or the contents within?
what did you look for first? my bright colored packaging or the nutritional value on the back of my canister?
did you search how many calories i carry? the baggage i've brought along during my stroll through the store?

if people are browsing ever so constantly, why am i always left to live through my shelf life?
until you picked me up.
oh, god, you picked me up off the shelf and you looked at me for much longer than anyone else did!

what happened to the stroll in the store? i'm gliding.
you've whisked me up and it seems as though you didn't even get a chance to see what i've been through: you've decided. you want me.
i want you too.

what dictates a date anymore?
is it a stroll in the grocery store?