some of us wait forever for 'better'
it has been promised to us so many times like a sweet, sweet lie
just hold on longer,
a little bit longer
(you can't get better if you don't want to)
do you know how badly i want to?
but i can't sit here and wait forever for 'better'
i don't have forever
i'm racing the clock for the day when i will no longer be afraid
when i give up on 'better'

then i will truly be better

so much drama
so much negativity
sadness everywhere
and I stand optimistic

"look at the lid of your cup, there's SO much lipstick on there." You pointed this out a few times to me. What did I do? Sat there embarrassed each time and tried to sheepishly rub the red substance off. It was small things like this, feeling like I somehow let you down-that scared me the most. Little did I know, I had way more to fear. Man, were you good at wiping things off as if they never existed. I should have just handed you my coffee cups and let you wipe off the stains because you are great at hiding the evidence of anything existing at all. My heart aches at the thought of you detoxing your body from my kisses. You wiped away the feeling of my head on your chest, my lips on yours, & the happiness you felt when I called you my babe. And now November has came and gone and I'm still stuck in October with you before you destructed us. "This doesn't have to be for good and I don't even want it to be for good." It's as though everything, your words, your promises, your dignity, have been stolen from you. You gave me the chance to run yet tried holding on to me to ultimately decide you wanted her, not me. WHAT DID I DO WRONG? I'm so tired of thinking it's me but the irritation and bitterness I feel is sickening. Now December has arrived and you're so far gone it frightens me.
You were supposed to stick around.

1, 2, 3...
7, 8, 9...
11, 12, 13...
17, 18, 19...

Still no one stops,
Tears flows forever it seems.
As the time stops,
So does my heart.

I send my angels to protect you,
I send them to save you.
I want you to be forever mine,
I want your love to be mine.

Two woman stop in there day,
To make sure that I'm okay.
I cry as I tell them no,
I told them how you tried to go.

They wait and watch,
To make sure I don't end the same.
I never knew I could feel so much pain.

I love you with all my heart.
Stay forever beside me, my Wolfie.

1, 2, 3...
7,8,9...
11,12,13...
17, 18, 19...

One more I'll be on the floor,
More pain, soon peace.
Soon I'll be closing the door,
I want you back to me.

Pill by pill,
I end my will.
Pill by pill,
I soon will ****.

I close my eyes and wait for death,
Soon he lingers over me.
"Why my child you wish for me?"
I reach for his hand,
But he pulls it away.

"Child of mine, why do you cry?
'Child of mine, don't you love?
'Child of mine, won't you be missed?
'Child of mine, why do you cry?"

"Death take me now,
'Free my soul
'Death take me now
'Finish my goal"

"It's not your time,
Just wait and see,
Someday you will be
Exactly who you wish to be."

I followed the light
At the end of the tunnel.
He led me here,
To this place.

I followed the light
At the end of the tunnel.
He promised to show me
God's grace.

I followed the light
At the end of the tunnel
Not knowing just what
I would find.

I followed the light
At the end of the tunnel
To leave all the
Dark days behind.

I followed the light
At the end of the tunnel
And now I'm here
With you.

I followed the light
At the end of the tunnel
But I'm not sure
What to do.

You followed the light
At the end of the tunnel.
He led you here,
To this place.

You followed the light
At the end of the tunnel.
Did you ever receive
God's grace?

We followed the light
At the end of the tunnel
But he didn't lead
Us astray.

We followed the light
At the end of the tunnel.
So at the end of the tunnel
We'll stay.

how do you like that,
alchemist?
you turned lead into gold
but it’s not that shiny
is it?
maybe your flask was
rose-tinted
things didn’t go as expected
did they?
you could’ve been happy
if you never knew
at the end of the journey lies
absolutely nothing
how do you like that,
lover-boy?
you won her heart
you’re her one and only
but how do you like
the public sarcasm?
the beratement at home?
what about the “love-taps”?
“you just can’t do anything
right”
that’s the dialogue
right?
we call that abuse
you got what you wanted
but you didn’t really know her
did you?
how do you like that,
young man?
you learned the ways of world
how the real predators
and boogeymen
are just people
just like you and me
you’re safe now
with that truth
but do you feel that?
you lost something
didn’t you?
you feel empty inside
but before you rant about
darwinist suits
corporate scumbags
******* shockjocks
just remember kiddo
you did this to yourself
they didn’t take it
you gave it up
the innocence of a child
you got to the age when
your eyes show you
the truth you need
not the lies you want
but look at you now
maybe you really need the lies
sure they might
hurt you
chide you
scorn you
tell you you’ll never make it
but at least you wouldn’t be so blue
and the world wouldn’t be so blue
the truth
the real truth is
you’ve got to see the roses in front of you
but remember the thorns just beyond
sometimes you’ll get lucky
and miss the thorn
but not every time
so don’t let your hopes fly too high
but if your fear holds you
that rose will stay a distant dream
so why not just go for it
with a smile on your face
and just see what happens?

your tummy is expanding
and your skin is dry as sand
your ***** are somewhat slanting
but they won't change on your command

your hair with that red glow
that gets brighter in the sun
one day it steals the whole show
and this hatred will be undone

one day, you'll find the love of your life
his love for you unjust
one day, he wants to make you his wife
and to such kindness you must adjust

love your self, dear child
before it gets out of control
your problems are merely mild
and somebody is always there to console

that's it - time to kiss another year of my youth good bye.
kissing up and goodbye have been the norm in life as I know it so far.
it doesn't make coherent sense to me that my teenage years are gone.
teenage chapter of my life has ended,
and I have yet to experience much.
I had no teenage lovers or anything close for that matter.
no heart has ever yearned to beat next to mine.
no thoughts have been flooded with me.
no lips have thirsted for more of my kisses.
I've managed to carry on anyway,
yet my heart is bitter.
despite it all, as I turn 20,
I'm trying to not allow the heaviness of my heart to weigh me down.
20--my heart is fragile.
Please be careful.
I'm as ready for you as I will be.