it wasnt easy
passing you in the hallways
it wasnt easy  
watching things go on without me there
it wasnt easy
feeling alone
it wasnt easy doing what i did
but i wasnt going to ruin anything else
it still isnt easy
i see you in the halls
i see you with them being perfectly okay
i'm still alone
no one has ever really stood by me
i wish you had

currently i feel like downing my 90 day supply of fluoxetine, the 30ish days of sleep meds i have left, all my moms pills, and the hydrocodone we have left, take a bath, and slice my skin till im nothing but cuts

She was mine,
Lovely,
A delight.
She, woken up to morning light.
Me, woken up to she.
We had loved the days,
Greed.
My ray of sunshine,
She had loved me, stay.
Love cannot persevere
All the time.
She was there, time after time.


Not all good things can last,
Pain brewed from the past,
Mashed against the wall.
Us, hoping to forget it all.

Before a move was made,
Love was left behind.
She knew he had lied,
He knew she wouldn't, stay.

Love, left there, untouched.
Him, a crutch.
Her, left there.

Right away, he "moved on"
But wished to forget

Impossible to forget,
She left.

Impossible to forget,
He was left.

Impossible,
All the time.
She was there, time after time.
Let's grow old, this time
This time.

To the man who broke me,
People kept telling me I let you do it. That I shouldn't have let you hold me close when I knew you were so clumsy. I wanted to scream in opposition. I wanted desperately for them to see from my perspective. I wished upon a thousand stars for someone anyone to just listen and tell me it was not my fault. Days went by, then weeks, months, a year, two years. I was drowning in their words, thick as molasses. Frantically clawing at the truth trying to keep my grasp on reality. My inner demons with jagged, crooked smiles ripped me from my goal. I was swept away plummeting to the bottom of a sea of lies. You can find me there trying to swim to the surface only to find a cement bag tied to my leg impeding any progress. With each attempt I fall tired and more submissive to the blame that surrounds me. Until I found it easier to lay down and let their words become my reality. My life became an ocean of blame all laid neatly upon my shoulders. So now when I apologize for everything just know its years of conditioning and now that I've finally found people who assure me that it was not my fault know that I'm trying to believe it isn't but the voices in my head won't stop screaming that it is.

I'm Sorry.
This simple phrase
has been burnt into my head
after years of believing everything
bad that happened was my fault. Simply
because you blamed me for every little thing.
Here they never let me blame myself for the
little things. Even though I apologize for
almost everything. Slowly with time
I have started to repeat another
simple little phrase
Thank you.

It’s not you’re fault, but my own
I shouldn’t have let you go
My heart just turned stone cold
It was time unfortunately our love was bound to unfold
Two completely different directions we separated slowly, but surely on our own
Each night I lie awake reminiscing about our past experiences
You were my first true heartache
I’m sorry for I have caused the skies to break upon you
Knowing I wasn’t enough eventually I’d ***** things up
You were my only love sometimes it just eats me up  
I can’t change the past, but I hope I can fix the future
I truly do miss her
Breaking every bit every inch of your beautiful untamed soul
We separated as we watched the world around us grow
You once were my whole
Now I’m stuck here tearing up on my bedside alone
I’ve lost true love once not knowing if I’ll find it again
She was my muse everything I needed more than friend

You love the way I do.
You come crashing down so hard.
Falling, falling into the abyss,
Just hoping someone will catch you.
You don't know how to stop
Or is you don't want to?
You stare into their eyes.
Like standing on the edge.
You lean to close and fall,
Tumbling down those mahogany cliffs.
You need only affection, touch
Closeness, reality, a person to see you.
Like a baby bird you heart is tender
It needs to be held and warmed
Alone and cold it freezes,
And never learns to fly.
I know how you love,
Don't you ever wonder why?
Because I love the way,
And you love the way I do.