Once upon a mind.


A lonely soul sleeps inside my heart.
It has given up on trying to be my star.
The light has dimmed; the finish has begun to become duller.
I have never been anything other than sullen
And now my soul is no watercolour.


Scatter no seeds, for nothing will grow,
Inside this black hole that I call my soul.
I cannot take hold of a direction in which to go,
Because I am unable to see ahead, when I am without hope.


No more, no less;
The same phrase repeats again.
What more can I say when all is gone so far away?
Out of reach, but never out of mind;
Still it lingers at the fore front of a head without design.
Clutter, splutter, mix me with resent;
No chance to repent,
No choice to have left.


Just left behind, by a love life that has moved on to be happy
And found itself a new home, as I lie inside my cemetery.
Gone from this diseased soul, formed from insecurities.
It has escaped and taken my heart with it and from me.
Now I am soulless and never free to dream without regret.
Continuously delirious,
So easy to detest.
Once upon a mind, love has exploded
And now there is no trace left.


No Jessica Rabbit to find,
No saving emo.
No happy me;
Just where ego, I go.


My body moves of its own accord.
I am too bored to give it orders,
When I am busy crawling up the wall,
In search of just one thing that even matters!
Life is no adventure and I am the mad hatter.


Lost in a wonderland of my own mind’s creations.
I fall down (a rabbit hole) and break an ankle.
I am no longer in contention,
To be a contender for the title of most loved.
Just stuck in the mud with no tears left to wash it all off;
Gone is my chosen destiny…I have given up.


(C)2016 Aa Harvey. All Rights Reserved.

I am left speechless by her beauty.


My heart is in two pieces, torn apart by love.
Art leaves me sleepless; where is my good?
An empty orchestra plays only violins.
I need her love, to silence my own screams
And bring an end to all my tears.


I can no longer, wish upon a,
Star that has never even shone for me.
I am no stronger, with or without her.
I am weakness, down on my knees.
All my words are only empty speech bubbles,
None of my dreams ever reach for the sky.
She has no double…I have no lies.
I must be true if I remain mute,
Because if I have never spoken,
Then how could I ever have deceived the truth?


All I am is another man.
I have fallen,
I have stopped.
I have no plans to ever give any thanx,
For all the hope that I have lost.


All the love that could have been,
All the dreams…
They don’t mean a thing.


All these butterflies flying inside of me,
Only leave my feelings in knots, I need to breathe.
Hand on my heart,
It feels as if there is a hand around my heart
And I am tight in its grip.
I am forever stopping me…from breathing.


I cannot even help myself,
So I will never be able to show her my true self.
She will never hear about my inner demons screams.
I beg to just be loved by her; she will not see my own agony.
She will not know about the pain I constantly feel,
Because she will never know my feelings for her are real.


I am a broken, broken being.
I have not spoken, spoken of my needs.
She does not know she is what I desire,
Because I am trapped inside this scared of love liar.


All these feelings that I have to keep;
I hold inside my ruined soul.
All these things I wish I could be,
Are only ever love stories that are never actually told.


I remain in silence, my own choice for her freedom.
She is now free because I never mentioned,
The love that exists inside the heart of this man.
She is now gone and I am alone once more;
A stone, so stuck, in quick sand.
I am dressed in black, because of my life as a stage hand.


Last chance to give it a shot and win her love…
Going…
Going…
Gone.


(C)2017 Aa Harvey. All Rights Reserved.

How to say goodbye.


Days pass by with no love in sight,
But throughout the sighs, I see a Wife.
My Wife, not yours;
You are safe from my charisma.
I believe in a true love;
You can keep your amoeba.


Through the spirits of time,
I have had conversations with past lives,
And all day long, I write the same lines.
Every page contains love or death,
Truth or lie, but still I cannot hide.


In days of yore, I spared a thought,
To what she would think, if she read my ink,
But now I hold no remorse; no love; no more,
For she has disappeared away from my world.


This day is at an ending;
I am through with all pretending.
Sarah speaks through her verses…never lending.


I ask nothing of you,
For I am no longer your true.
There is only time for one last sigh;
No time for a final line to say goodbye.


(C)2018 Aa Harvey. All Rights Reserved.

Broken mind mentality


Falling through an endless black-hole that I think is my universe.
It exists only inside my head full of holes
And it hollows my soul
And it eats away at a part of me from the inside.
I am left to fall in reverse.


Losing sight of all that I knew;
The truth I knew, to be so true.
As thoughts ricochet inside my brain, black paint is thrown onto my art,
Creating holes inside my head and tearing me apart.
Lost in spaces, in between, reality and darkness dreams.
So lost to everything they claimed to be unique to me;
I need to escape from this broken mind mentality.


What I have is all mine but none of it works;
My body jerks and shakes and breaks and I hurt.
When all I need is a clear path forward, not back,
All I have is misty eyes and all I feel is panic attacks.


So scared of all that never was,
Or what could be, if I do nothing,
Or do something, or make a choice;
I will only destroy my eternal voice.
The vocal chords will be cut,
By never mind, regrets and but,
I never meant to say that, please take it back.
I am losing the last morsels of strength that I ever had
And I am oh, so sad.
I will disappear into this black-hole,
That drags me away from everybody that I know.


When all is gone and my star goes out,
I will remain in doubt and inside out;
What hope is there for me now?


(C)2017 Aa Harvey. All Rights Reserved.

I'm fine. 
That's my default answer. 
My answer to all the "how are you?"
How are you? 
That's what they usually ask. 

The question that I don't really know what to say. 
The question that I don't even want to answer
No. The question that I don't even want to hear.
That's why I just say "I'm fine."
I say I'm fine but I'm not so sure about that.

Some days I'm happy
Some days I'm positive 
Some days I'm a ball of sunshine
Full of laughter, smile, and cheerful vibe
Full of hope and full of love

But then dark days would come
Dark days when I feel gloomy
I feel sad
I feel like crying 
I feel like giving up
I feel hopeless 
I feel rejected 
I push people away
Days when I just want everything to end

A friend of mine once said that I'm a ray of sunshine
The one who can lighten up the mood and everything 
The one who's always cheery and happy

But you know what?
I don't think the same. 
I guess I'm more like the dark cloud. 
No, I'm a thunderstorm.
My mind's a storm. 
It's a mess. A complete mess. 

But I can't say all of this. 
I won't say any of this. 
No one would believe me.
So, instead, I'll say "I'm fine."
I'll pretend to be fine. 
I'll keep pretending.
Because that's all that matters, right?
People just need to hear those three words. 
"I am fine."

A lonely boy looked up to the sky
With teary eyes about to cry
While standing still at one place
Tears started streaming down his face

He slowly started to fall apart
His body was trembling and it broke my heart
His hands were trapped in a golden chain
I just wanted to erase his pain

I kissed his face and kissed his hair
I kissed his clothes he liked to wear
His cheeks, his chest, his hands and lips
And even his fingers and fingertips

He closed his eyes and started to smile
And stretched out his arms after a while
Even at this dark and hopeless day
I was able to wash his pain away

Fear of commitment


It seems you want to see me laughing.
I think I could try, but where is the fun?
It seems you want to see me happy,
But the scratches down my back have long since gone.


Maybe I could find a way to begin chatting up,
But the silence I hold. What is love?
No more for the meter,
I have a wheel clamp on the tongue.
It seems I should by now be with my love,
But this continuous car crash that is my love life…
It just ain’t letting up.


I crash and burn at each and every turn.
If only I could take control of this life that I live,
But I am only ever destined to be hurt
And to lose my hope in everything.


The smile I raise will never grow up;
The lies I tell keep me grounded.
My ego has a life of its own, so it’s tough,
To keep my mind on the level.
No safety net, I fall alone…unbounded.


I see a light, I follow it,
It only leads me to where I once was.
I ignore the light and wander blind,
I walk in the dark; I end up lost
And then I see another reflection in a mirror;
Another time when I was myself
And there I see I am no nearer to leaving this maze,
This endless place I dwell.


The walls I put up are a hundred feet tall;
No horizon to be seen or to chase after.
The map to this life is never written, just walked;
One mistake at a time,
So gone is my laughter.


I see the end, the gate is locked;
I climb over the top and down I drop.
When I get to the other side,
I find myself back at the beginning.
Woe is my revolving life.


Around and around in circles I go,
Into love I fall so deep it hurts.
I pick myself up and wait until it is long ago,
Then I fall again, repeating those empty words I hear from her.


Now they mean nothing,
Hoping for something to change,
But it all remains the same.
Love is just a revolving door with a queue.
Waiting on someone.  Waiting on you.
Serving you drinks, while you kiss and hug him.
Waiting to leave all of this!
But love is my cage and I am locked in.


So I waited…until I broke;
Never to be repaired.
Never again!
Never again will I wait,
To once more go away to allow me to breathe air.


(C)2017 Aa Harvey. All Rights Reserved.