i need to get some stuff off my chest
my cousin doesn’t like me anymore
i’m at a family gathering right now;
a birthday party
i love talking to my aunts and my grandma
they include me in conversations and
make me feel worth their while
maybe it’s a me problem
that i changed and i’m average
and painful to be around
it could most definitely be that
and i wish i could stop
obsessing over speaking
but quarantine ******* me over
and left me with repulsive social anxiety
someone’s laughing
and the shaven dog is barking
my ears can’t handle this
the dog hates me, she doesn’t
let me pet her and i just wish i had a
dog as a companion, but
my parents don’t want that responsibility
even though it would be all mine
i need a dog, i need a friend
who’s always present,
there for me
no one ever is
no one knows what gathers inside
my brain throughout the day
that forces me to write
or i would literally burst.
now my cousin said goodbye to her
favorite aunt and uncle
and her young cousins who
are perfectly skinny and basic
and **** perfect
i’m miserable now
it’s not like it used to be
her cousin looks like a model
where’s my glow up?
i just look so terribly ugly
that it hurts me so badly
even twelve year olds look like models
and they make me
so terrifically insecure
it’s infuriating
how unfair some things are
especially genetics and body dysmorphia
i need some boy who’ll soothe
this mental state i have
been swallowed up in
without my consent
my incompetent brain has never heard
the word ‘no’ before, apparently
i’m sick to my stomach
thinking about everything
and how everything used to be
and how everyone is changing
and how much i want to die
killing me would be doing me
a huge favor at this point
why do people always have
to make me insecure with their
toned bodies and gorgeous faces?
i am convinced that something
is eternally wrong with me
but i’ll stop making you
mad by saying i hate myself
cause now it’s basically redundant
but one last time 
for good measures
i hate myself
and i’ll never be an asset
to society
goodbye, the only thing that loves me for who i am is my writing

Why do people say they love me?
When all they want to do is leave.
I start crying and nobody is there,
And sadness is all I receive.

Who is really there for me,
When i'm feeling down?
As I fall deeper into this ocean,
All I do is drown.

My sleepless eyes want to stop,
from weeping so much they burn.
But all I can do is continue to wait,
While my stomach continues to churn.

I'm done........

Would you cry if I wasn't here anymore?
I always was waiting for you to come
and tell me that you love me.
But I think,
I waited to long for you
and now I am dead inside.

All these tears I've wept,
the secrets I've kept,
the nights I haven't slept.
For myself, I cannot accept.

- self-esteem dreams

for whatever reason,
i can never be happy.
im always sad,
i always want to end my life.
no one could ever make me feel
the way that you do.
you make me feel like
i can recover from this irony.
you make me feel as if
im not worthless.
you make me feel like im important.
and i cant thank you enough for that.

Once there was a broken girl,
That fell for a sweet girl,
And she became her sun, her light, her everything,
And the flower on earth,
She loved her more then every grain of sand,
Her favorite books,
Lazy Sundays,
Baggy sweaters,
And even more then all the scars on her body,
But nothing last forever,
And she left her,
Like everyone else,
The girl then learned,
You must love yourself first,
Because your happiness,
Can not rely on other people,
Because as quickly as they come,
They go don't let them fool you,
There once was a broken girl,
That fell for a sweet girl,
And she took he sun, her light, her everything..