I remember it was cold and quiet. We stood up beneath the scattering stars.

Silently staring at the landscape outspread in front of us, where the mountain touched the sky.

Losing count on the steps taken, you wondered how many dreams townspeople had to reach the summit tower seen from afar;

Spreading lights randomly with no purpose to guide. Little yet arrogant. Like a candlestick being put on the top of the world, accidentally.

Or maybe, incidentally placed to embody the messiah for those who would discover it that way — which might be peculiarly irrational.

Despite the lame fact, it still mesmerized you. I just knew the moment your starry eyes were seen in the dim night. And out of the blue, it captivated me too.

We sneaked from the despotic night, releasing laughs from the deepest and most untouched alley in our lungs. Our fears were freed.

Nonchalant towards the thing ahead of us, even to the time that felt prematurely withered.

"I remember once this priest brought hope to our house, and we just followed him since then", you said. That’s how you told me that miracle wasn’t the thing that kept us living, but hopes that enlightened.

Unyielding lost in the most chaotic ecstasy I have ever encountered. It became that moment when a knock on the door wouldn’t be able to break our reverie.

Modest. Humble.

We then walked unafraid through the open door that led us to the home where the sun rises.

They wouldn't let me leave the office until I would look them in the eyes

I saw horrible things in their eyes

they wanted me to see horrible things in their eyes

if you talk
about it
they'll tell you
its just a case
of centring yourself
before
it builds up;
placing yourself
in the moment
and understanding
what cannot be changed

except
there is
no progression
no steady curve
it goes from
a carefully traced line
to a scratched
scrawling scribble
that tears
through leaf
after leaf
of paper
whether the message
is legible
or not

apparently
        its simple;
in that split second
between empathy
        and apathy
before the destruction
of everything
outweighs
the strength
of all
that has been
accomplished
i simply need
to breath deep
and
count
           to
                ten

i'm still waiting
to be told
what to do
when my count
reaches ten
and
i'm still
angry

Obsidian wind chimes
welcome the crashing waves
as another day exits, slowly
sinking beneath the bay.

Cool waters drenched in
an almost amethyst hue
offer mental reverberations
as I ponder what I am next to do.

Though the sea is but a tide
that ebbs & flows-
repletes & recedes-
her words of wisdom forgo
past the banks of her beaches
& spread a breeze to every corner
of night.

She beckons me within myself;
her deep abyss but a mirror.
Her waters shine in a glimmering splendor
as she makes the path ever clearer.

To leave this shore that raised me
is not a sign of disrespect, but a show
of honor. My broken levees have her
to thank & for that, I call her mother.

Aspiration? A tricky call.
I’m more than willing to give you a leg up,
but I can’t define where you’ll climb,
or I’ll be the *** who assumes

your *** might become an astronaut,
an assassin for hire,
or just gain enough cash to survive,
or be proudly working class,
or to clash with the establishment
and bring them crashing down
your *** might want to work
hard and fast
or be happy to rock up comfortably last
the amount of possibilities are vast
and equally valid and yours

I’ll lend a mind, some thoughts, some words to help
but for each self to realise themselves,
I’ll not assume,
we know what that would make us

"God"

I begged

"Did I do your will?
Did I hurt him, did I hurt both of us needlessly?
What do I do?
Father, please help me.
I need to see what you see
Just a glimpse of what that may be
Of what I did, this choice which now defines me
I feel like I fell in an unending sea
Oh oh my father, it hurts what I did
I didn't make this choice to hurt him
I didn't want to hurt him
Never

Did I do what was right
Did I do your will
What you asked me to do"

Peace
Filling my trembling body
Peace
Calming my limbs
That long aching string between my head and heart loosens

My head, just now full of contradicting thoughts now sits quietly
Heart is soft too
Listening mildly

So when I answer the question my body is resolved
It hurts I said
That dull ache hits every time I think his name
I feel like he thinks I played a game
With his heart, but no, mine feels the same
Broken and lost, a little lame

I know it was right though the cracks are still there
The double thinking is almost too much to bear
We had uncovered who "we" were but he thinks I don't care when the truth is that I laid myself bare
When trouble came, to my knees I fell in prayer

I don't know why in the past it was right when now the answer is no
I just listen
God knows what is best
But it doesn't make it easy to follow

Head says yes, heart says no
Heart says yes, head says no

God said yes, now God says no
I listen to God, he knows where I'll go
He will make me strong so I will know
I will follow when he says so

My aunt asked how I felt
She asked after I broke up with him
I thought about it and sat there
Stumbling
Struggling to put my heavy thoughts into words

My head told me to do it
My head also spoke against the idea

My heart
The part of me which hurt the most
It said my choice was right
But screamed in pain
In the unbridled anguish of grief
Of loneliness
Of hurt

She asked if I still felt my choice was right
If I regretted it
Would I go back

Would I
If I could go back
Would I change this action
If I could go forward with him again
Would I...

Heart says yes
I hurt him
I could help
I could fix this

Fix what
Fix the temporary pain,
No,

Heart says no
This was right
This choice was right
It would not be good to go back now
Cause more pain, deter healing
What would it fix
Nothing

Head says yes
He was good to me
He loved me
I loved him
We were happy
Head says yes

Head says no
We had our differences
Our difference in religion
In region
I would have hurt him later
Our arrows didn't line up
I was fooling myself that they did
Blindly hoping to see change
Seeing change when none was there

With my head pulling my heart
Heart pulling my head
What was I to do but pray