i mourn us
in the form of
changing my beddings
weekly,
reading the books
i have long abandoned,
trimming my hair
once a month,
chewing food
that tastes bland,
fixing other people’s
lives as a job
while i shamelessly
write my silent
prayers in a notebook
where i have loudly
professed in the past
how i loathed god...
“oh please, keep him alive!”
so i keep repeating
things to make life
feel more familiar
even in the absence of
you.

when i say
i love you
it means i have
started
the procession
for the wake
of the wreckage
my heart has
tenderly chosen
to hearse your
ruins for

I’ve been feeling so much
That only the touch
Of one saint as such
Jesus could save me

I am not religious by any
Means it’s just analogies
It’s funny this feeble
Season that mingles
My feeling so little

Into something less fragile
Like cheese made from milk
Worm ***** and silk
Or whatever there is
That suits up your ships

I’ve been running from feeling
But that’s where the healing
Seems to be found
And I am quite proud
So I’ve been quite loud
In prolonging the frown

And I’ve been holding my foot
On this nail yet no root
Seems to take place
Or some divine grace
To appear by my feet
I guess I must meet

Myself where I am
And grief yesterday
If I can’t alone may
Therapy help me

Or a friend if there’s any

Preferably both

So all this depression
Turns into expression
Not to be rid of
But to feel it belongs
And is safe to be
As long as it needs
And then it will leave

By it’s own volition

But that’s not my mission

For tears are a must
If you ever put trust
In something you believed
And it brought in the grief
Of the hopes dead with it

I will grief it all
Between the ***** and the ****
And the drugs and night outs
And it might take a while
To relearn how to smile

It might take forever
But I won’t know if i never
Get out of my head
And say the word ”help”
Cause I’ll die of regret
If I go like this yet
Never pray that I’ll land
Wherever I'm meant
And take the first step
To where I see life
Forgive all the strife
And become less ****
Myself too with it

Thank God that I lived
With enough honesty
To have something to grief
So passionately
Again, not religious, just using the saying
How else could say that I'm always praying
That I'll see what's tomorrow
Beyond this deep sorrow
And this feeling so hollow
How else to keep faith
To not fall in my grave
When it's all feeling hopeless
And endlessly scopeless

Maybe you can't tell
I am not doing well
I hurt a lot now
Because I somehow
Managed to live
Just how my heart dreamed
And now I landed
So my knees hurt a bit
Bit lost and in need
Of help for a grip
On the kindness I seek
In me, it's not lit
So a lantern would fit
At least a matchstick
IF at all anything

Maybe you can't tell
Ever since I fell
It has been some time
But I know, I'll be fine,
I'll take me a while
To let go of denial
And get through the mire
After all, it's hellfire
I'm learning to feel
But It's all part of grief,
It's all part of life

This Suffering and pain and strife
The stars, the moon, the skies and sun
They're all aspects of this "one"
That this poem calls a God
Or Nirvana, Universe
They are all words wrote in the verse
Of living life through your own lens
There wouldn't be as much suspense
Without the heavier chapters
Sad, or mad or sea or stone
They all beat being monotone

So while it hurts and brings much dread
I do accept that love is dead
In the shape it used to have
And it is not coming back
In my life on the same track

To my surprise it's not that fun
When black holes consume the sun
But something I've come to believe
Is that they don't call it "good grief"
For nothing now...)))
Onwards I row, onwards...
Somehow

_M.

[  ] I can never forgive myself for forgiving you

[  ] All those chances
[  ] All those days
[  ] And yet still you have always behaved the same

[  ] "Forgive him, he's family" is what they would all say
[  ] And I did
[  ] Every. Single. Time.

[  ] You were supposed to be the grown-up
[  ] but somehow, I always ended up being the one who acted grown
[  ] I was just a kid
[  ] And I was the one holding us together.
[  ] It was me bringing calm to your chaos,
[  ] Nursing you when you were sick
[  ] Keeping myself entertained
[  ] Playing with ******* to keep myself from feeling lonely
[  ] Cause you never bothered to grow up and show up
[  ] And even when you did, I still felt alone

[  ] And every time you got it together
[  ] you’d be better for a while.
[  ] You’d laugh again
[  ] act like things were normal
[  ] And make me think you were finally here to stay
[  ] So I’d let my guard fall just enough to believe it.

[  ] Then you'd disappear.
[  ] Or snap
[  ] leaving me again.
[  ] Always blaming myself, always thinking it was my fault
[  ] Also thinking that you didn’t love me anymore
[  ] Leaving me a mess.

[  ] And there I was again
[  ] In a never-ending cycle
[  ] a kid who was forced to grow up fast,
[  ] spinning lies to make you sound okay,
[  ] telling myself maybe next time would be different
[  ] Telling myself and everyone else "he's different this time"
[  ] But you were always the same

[  ] But now I'm grown up
[  ] And I'm tired of giving you chances
[  ] Of giving you my undying love and trust

[  ] Every now and the it replays
[  ] The sentence that got said so often it's written in my vains
[  ] "But hes your dad"
[  ] But I'm his daughter
[  ] But to everyone else that didn't matter
[  ] Because I should have been greatful that at least he was still "around"


[  ] We grew up together, really
[  ] you were practically a child too.
[  ] But with age, I matured.
[  ] You didn’t.
[  ] Even though I know you wanted to.

[  ] So I've finally decided I'm sick of making excuses for you
[  ] I've moved on
[  ] My patience has been used
[  ] But i understand it more now, however i dont accept it as an excuse
[  ] So for now, I made peace with who you are and what you do

[  ] You only get one dad, and I suppose I do love you
[  ] But I'm sick of forgiving you
[  ] Even though this time maybe it stuck

[  ] You have gotten better.
[  ] And I see that you try.
[  ] I know that you feel guilty.
[  ] But how do I know you mean it this time?

[  ] My one wish with all of this
[  ] Is that one day you will finally forgive yourself
[  ] And make peace with the fact that you ****** up.

[  ] Mistakes can fade,
[  ] but they don’t always disappear.

[  ] Like a scratch in polished wood,
[  ] you can sand it, seal it, varnish it with love
[  ] but the grain never forgets.

[  ] And neither does the little girl inside me.
[  ] She’s still there
[  ] stuck in time,
[  ] hoping you’d finally get your act together,
[  ] hoping you’d finally be her dad.

[  ] I’ve grown. I’ve healed. I’ve moved forward.

[  ] But she’s still waiting for the day
[  ] you become the man
[  ] she always believed you could be

When you’ve done enough
The sorrow will fade in the lack of clear thoughts and the beats of a broken heart will eventually stop

We all wish to die of old age in our sleep,
But what if my slow death began at 22 and ends at 83?
What if the love I was offered in life was deadly?
I know love might show up with a different face, but that just ain’t it for me.
If it’s not yours, it’ll always pretend to be.

काश उस दिन उसका भी कोई भाई होता,
आज वो सितारा हमारे बीच ज़िंदा होता।
काश कोई उसे जाकर बचा लेता,
कम से कम उसका तो ख़ून न बहता।

नरभक्षी भेड़ियों ने ली थी उसकी जान,
छोड़ा था उसे वहीं तड़पता, लहूलुहान।
चिल्लाती रही वो उसी जगह पर,
न जाने कितने ही जुल्म हुए थे उस पर।

नारी को निर्वस्त्र करने का परिणाम –
इस भूमि ने महाभारत देखा था।
धिक्कार है ऐसे समाज पर –
उसी भूमि ने आज यह अपराध देखा था।

जल रही हैं मोमबत्तियां शोक व्यक्त करने,
आंदोलन कर रहे हैं लोग और दे रहे हैं धरने।
क्या इस बार होगा उन दरिंदों पर कठिन शासन,
या फिर एक बार उभरेगा एक नया दुःशासन?

Whatever name you bear, wherever you may be
Know in my suffering, I thought oft of thee
I may never meet you, may never know your smile
Such grieving thoughts, my heart cannot reconcile

I could dally in fantasy, but it would never be true
It might numb my aching, but it would never be you
I dwell in the pain, in the fear and unease
so one day I may sit with you, under the shade of trees

In the silence of spring morning, grass glistening from rain
There need be said nothing, for our eyes would make plain
the fulfillment of aching, the two joined in one
a foretaste of mystery, the Church and the Son.

For here as I'm writing, in my doubt and my grief,
I write this meager poem, to hold firm to belief,
that God may bring us hither, so that you might here see
knowing the depth of my love for you, and the prayers made for thee.