I sit by the window
as I sip my coffee,
and celebrate our joys.

I imagine that you will
come home with the sunshine,
but your coffee's gone cold

nodus tollens- the realization that the "it" of your life doesn’t make sense to you anymore

you call me your butterfly;
your little butterfly child
with my weak bones,
weak skin
and a weak heart.

you call me your butterfly
and my head fills with honey; you say you love me.
you call me your butterfly
and suddenly i can’t help but melting
when you look into my eyes.
you call me your butterfly
and suddenly i want you to be mine
till our wings become soft and dissipate in the warm winds.
you call me your butterfly
and say we are going to fly around the world
to see the black sky paradises
and the nightshade blues.
and all of the other hues.
you say that even in death
our love will last forever.
you said that when you called me your butterfly child.

tell me i’m yours when we are all alone
and maybe i’ll tell you you’re mine.
tell me you love me when i rest my head on your chest.
and maybe i’ll tell you i love you too
tell me you need me when you run your hands through my hair
while we lay in bed for the last time
and maybe i’ll need you just as much.
tell me you want me when you look into my eyes
and maybe i’ll tell you i want you just as much.

butterflies don’t say maybe
and neither do i.
i’ll call you mine when we are alone.
i’ll tell you i love you when i rest my head on your chest;
feeling every one of your heartbeats and breaths.
i’ll tell you i need you when you play with my hair;
the smell of you lingers in my hair
as i lay in bed dreaming of all of our time together.
i’ll tell you i want you when i look into your eyes;
for when i look into your eyes
the wind stops blowing
the sun stops shining
and my mind stops thinking.

if you have to fly away that’s okay
if know we promised to stay
but sometimes is rains when it’s not supposed to
and sometimes we pull flowers out of the ground
just to see them die and change
so i understand if the wind is going to blow you in a different direction
but don’t forget about the days where we chased the sun
and ended up talking to the moon
and don’t forget about the picture-perfect memories
where our smiles looked so big
that no one would have guessed that we were not happy
and don’t forget about all the nights we laid awake
talking about the plans we had for ourselves
and the plans we made together
and don’t forget about every shock
that you felt when my skin brushed up against yours.

you are my butterfly.
eventually, we will come together and fly.
for now, you can visit the black sky paradise
and the nightshade blues
and i’ll come one day
and be with
you.

mauerbauertraurigkeit- the inexplicable urge to push people away,
even close friends who you really like

i rest my head on your shoulder
as the road carries our dreams
to places we have never seen.
your arms hold me close
as your love cloaks my broken heart.
we sat there in the night
no one spoke so the silence filled the air
even though nothing was said
there were thoughts the floated in the air between us

but how can you love me
without expecting love in return?
knowing that i will just break your heart
leaving myself alone.
i guess i’m just halfway happy
with my heart made of glass
and my mind of stone.
too fragile to touch
and too hard to let in.

“she talks about him
as if he puts the stars in the sky”
you.
the light
making my world.
as bright as the stars.  
but with all this light
you can’t mend my shattered heart.
but oh my love

i don’t know if i like you
or love you
want you
or need you
all i know is that i love the feeling i get
when i’m near you.

but i guess now
you’ve left.
left with your light
left with your stars
left with your l o v e.
and left me alone in the night.
i can’t help but wonder
if it was better to love you
and lose you
or never have loved you at all.

It’s the sound of the dial tone,
a conversation ended after a one-sided solution.
The voicemail being more familiar to you
than actual words.
It’s the empty feeling that follows
the footsteps walking away from you,
the echo of closing doors remaining
a constant in place of ringing doorbells.
It’s the sensation of tears down your face,
runny nose and sore throat.
Cringing under your covers so not to burden
the strangers down the hall.
It’s the heavy silence of your room,
your indentation in the bed permanent.
having all the blankets bunched up around you
as if they could make you warm again.
It’s the thoughts that roam your head
at every point in the day,
asking when did you let yourself become
an option
when you should have been
a priority.

I'm afraid that I'm losing
To myself
In everything that I do.

I'm afraid
That I'm failing
When I try my best

I'm afraid
I'm overwhelmed
With no foreseeable escape

I'm afraid
I'm drowning
Which is my own fault

But most of all
I'm afraid
That I'm losing myself

With every new breath
I'm

Gone.

I did not believe the shadows could sing.
Echoing cries, oblivion pressed to my lips.
A swing into ink, a shot of the past.
Cuts pressed against the veins, scars start to form.
I wander now, where no static remains.