Without within who knows what
That the knot inside wants you to want?
Is it hard knock blunt force
Or a gentle heart?

it's been a day
since we last let our love seep through,
since you held me close
in that moment, now long gone.

then you shoved me away
once you'd had enough
of my then-green heart;
it's been a day.

your punches and kicks
have turned my heart black;
i will no longer feel.
i won't let myself.

"that didn't count,"
your worried soul insisted
never venturing beyond
your delicate bubble.

go after her then.
Leave me here,
a sinful
nothing.

go after her then.
go be
your father's
son.

love
is simply too elusive.
so you may as well
get comfortable.

My poems seem to have been
torn
apart
the edges frayed
the phrases broken
unable to be put
back
together
again

Forever off-white tiles that never
be anything else by the color of pale *****
daily bleached floors cover up the smell
of what is otherwise known as decay

the man behind the counter
has a weak smile and a dying heart
his eyes drain of color each day
there was fire in his blood
but the righteous flame has grown cold

you pay for the fuel and snack food
he tells you to "Have a nice day"
even though it seems like
he's the one who could use one
but all you can say is a mild "Thanks"
then move on

I pick these fights, with flint and force
To try to spark a fire
Fight me, tell me, I want to hear it
Scream back and tell me I'm a liar
Instead you sit there calmly
Absorbing every blow
Can't you say just how you feel?
God, I've never felt so low

It’s on nights like these I know you still live on my shelves.
These words hurt to write because they don’t fit into the story that I want to have, in which I’m over you and am changing into someone better than before.

Nights like these remind me that I still love you,
that I still try and push my way towards you.
Try to push into your heart, and into your hands.

These nights remind me that I still want to hold you,
that I still want to lose my voice playing Mario Kart and fall asleep next to you.

I destroyed all I have of you,
and you’re sticking around, like the glue of stickers on the windows of a car.
Thinking of you on these nights makes my throat close and my heart hurt,
it makes my hands reluctant to write these words. I don’t want to look back in the morning and see proof of my weakness compared to you.

I think I once called you a flower, pushing through the crust of the Earth to bloom.
I still see this flower behind closed eyes when I dream, as much as I don’t want to.

The last thing I want to do is push you away,
as much as it’s the only thing I want, to keep you from stomping on me even further.
How do I keep you close to me with all the distance between us?

Do you know what you’re doing to me still?
Every laugh and smile is like salt in the wound, but it’s like I’m starving for your company.

I hate nights like these
because I remember the way your hands shook that day, but also the way you didn’t cry.

I hate nights like these
because you push my mind in so many different directions that I can’t recognize myself in the mirror in the morning.

Most of all, nights like these remind me that you aren’t feeling this.
This heaviness that comes in the dark, inescapable.
I can't see it in your eyes.