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Tea Bland Dec 2018
It’s on nights like these I know you still live on my shelves.
These words hurt to write because they don’t fit into the story that I want to have, in which I’m over you and am changing into someone better than before.

Nights like these remind me that I still love you,
that I still try and push my way towards you.
Try to push into your heart, and into your hands.

These nights remind me that I still want to hold you,
that I still want to lose my voice playing Mario Kart and fall asleep next to you.

I destroyed all I have of you,
and you’re sticking around, like the glue of stickers on the windows of a car.
Thinking of you on these nights makes my throat close and my heart hurt,
it makes my hands reluctant to write these words. I don’t want to look back in the morning and see proof of my weakness compared to you.

I think I once called you a flower, pushing through the crust of the Earth to bloom.
I still see this flower behind closed eyes when I dream, as much as I don’t want to.

The last thing I want to do is push you away,
as much as it’s the only thing I want, to keep you from stomping on me even further.
How do I keep you close to me with all the distance between us?

Do you know what you’re doing to me still?
Every laugh and smile is like salt in the wound, but it’s like I’m starving for your company.

I hate nights like these
because I remember the way your hands shook that day, but also the way you didn’t cry.

I hate nights like these
because you push my mind in so many different directions that I can’t recognize myself in the mirror in the morning.

Most of all, nights like these remind me that you aren’t feeling this.
This heaviness that comes in the dark, inescapable.
I can't see it in your eyes.
Tea Bland Dec 2018
Fancy words can't disguise it,
love is *******.

A lie to hide behind
that leaves the world covered in ashes.

I hope one of us chokes,
so you know what pain I'm in,
so I know yours.

Do I know you?
I loved you, held you
but you were a stranger in the end.

The fairytales were wrong,
and I was an idiot,
to believe that you could be mine,
without the rest of the world wanting in.
Tea Bland Dec 2018
Today I said, "I love you, and I want you to be happy."
She hugged me, and I could feel her hands shaking on my back,
and then she walked away.

I wonder if she could hear my heart break.
Not in two, but into a thousand little pieces,
for every time I fell in love with her.
Today was awful.
Tea Bland Dec 2018
Something that I’ve learned for sure,
you don’t need to see me like you said you used to.
I read the words you wrote, and wonder what has been changing?

How much have we both been changing?
I feel static compared to you,
a constant shifting kaleidoscope.

More and more of your colors are coming out,
twinkling and sparking in the light of the mid-morning sun, and for the first time I’m seeing it from the outside.

You’re too sincere to hurt anyone on purpose,
and that’s how I know, because I know you.

Sometimes I feel more like your friend,
and there’s a claw that picks at my heart,
armed with acid that shuts down my lungs.

You’re beautiful.
An unequivocal fact, a truth.
The way you make everyone around you feel
special, important,
Being on the outside burns,
but seeing you bloom is enough to make me swallow my tongue.

I don’t know if I can be your friend.
If you want me to be, I’ll do it,
but you mean so much more than I can ever communicate.

I’m the one that needs you.

I look for you everywhere I go,
wait at corners in case I can run into you,
watch you leave with a bruised spirit.

How do you do it?
How do you have me so wrapped around your fingers that I can’t breathe?
How do I show you what you’re doing to me?

I know that if things change,
I’m going to break whatever balance we have,
like I always knew I would.

We told each other all that time ago
that we want to see each other in our futures.
Do I fit into yours?

You’re growing, growing up,
outgrowing me, I can’t catch up to you,
no matter how hard I’m trying.

I think you’d be surprised how reckless and stiff it’s making me,
you’ve always been part of my impulse control,
always cared whether or not I’m doing okay.

How are you?
I can’t ask you that really,
I just sit and smile,
take in you and your coffee smile, morning tired eyes.
Tea Bland Dec 2018
It might be just me, but I must know.
When my fingers touch your skin my mind is calm,
my day glows a little brighter.

When you leave,
I can’t help but smile and wish you were staying.
The smile on your face always stuns me into silence.

Some days, we don’t even talk,
which feels so foreign. Seeing you makes do then,
unravels the knot that twists in my chest,
tension pulling taut beneath my skin.

We used to be side by side,
but now you’re sliding out of my reach,
and I’m left with an extended hand, alone.

Some days, I worry.
Wake up at three in the morning in tears,
from dreams of the future,
where you aren’t there.

Maybe it makes me selfish,
to want to be with you all of the time.
To see every laugh, see the way your eyes sparkle when you’re happy.
To see the way you gesture so wildly when you talk.

Spending time with you feels like a gift,
or a drug.
I want more and more,
but a little is enough,
it’s got to be enough.

In time,
maybe I’ll handle it better,
not think about you all the time, in everything I do.

Somedays, I watch you go,
and wonder if you’re gone for good,
that I’ll never stand by your side again.

Somedays, I love you.
For some reason, everyday is about you.

Somedays I know,
that I’m losing whatever I used to be for you
Tea Bland Dec 2018
When you see my face, is my name running through your head on loop, on loop, on loop, on loop?

Your shining eyes and pretty little smile press the words I want to say into my skin and down my throat.

You've taken my light and strained it; I'm turning into shadows, my lungs burn with smoke from the fire in my brain.

When you hear my voice, do you feel the turmoil that I do? I want to be close to you, but you'll burn me for standing too close to the fire.

Shadows, you are my sun no longer. Satellite, alien, obstruction in the sky. How can I escape you when all I want to do is hold you close to me, and hear your heartbeat?
Tea Bland Dec 2018
Come on my lady,
take my hand and hold it tightly.
Tonight it's you and I in the quiet night,
the only witness the sky above our heads.

Let's dance under the stars,
don't worry I'll catch you if you fall.
We don't need music, can't you feel the rhythm between us?

The way my pulse pounds,
the hammering of your heartbeat,
in harmony with the humming of the wind,
the crickets percussion.

It's you and I, let's enjoy our time together,
away from the rest of the restless world.
You give my heart wings, I'm so light one more word, and I'll fly.

Indulge me this once,
dancing in the dark,
where your loveliness shines.
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