I don't think I'm up for having
Another conversation tonight,
I wont bother giving you a chance,
To explain again how you were right.

I would rush over to your house
and collapse into a heap on the floor,
But youve made it perfectly clear how you feel,
So that isnt an option anymore.

What do you think will happen now?
Will every problem disappear?
I'm not sorry for being who i am,
Just for the mistakes I've made this year.

I can't go back and relive the past,
I can't change the things I want to undo,
I can only hope i meet someone,
Who means as much to me as you.

The word I can’t find is gagging my pen
Gates slam shut when I knock on the door
The thunder clouds rumble and crash while
The sea nears it’s ebb and the seagulls all land
To scratch in the sand for what I have lost
Intellectual handcuffs chafe but hold firmly
To the cast-iron pipes of yesterday’s genius.
My pencil has a broken lead; the poison seeps
Into the veins that hold my life together.
Fist pounding breaks the thinner ice along the edge
But the navigation channel remains frozen
And thoughts ice skate away to music I can’t hear.
Like a hungry bird chick in a broken nest
Chirping with an open mouth for sustenance
From Mama lying dead below among the leaves.
I know the meal will not appear.
                           ljm

Down at the bottom of this hole
I worked so long and hard to dig
I can barely see the sunlight any more.

My feet are molding from the salty damp
That doesn’t come from rain
Or subterranean springs or rivers.

My shovel leans against the wall,
It’s wooden handle crimsoned
On the dirt that also isn’t paint.

Impossible for wind to reach me
Way down here, so what’s that howling
That I hear?  Could it possibly be me?
                ljm

I'm the oil in your purified water.
A waste in your pretty beach of broken seashells.
You're so so pretty with the natural organic lipstick of bulshit you wear.
What happened to us?
I want you away more than I want you close.
I was the green bubblegum under your shoes.
The forgotten toy you said you loved, but always lost.
I guess I'm just sick of it, but it always seems to be my fault.

Thick fire consuming my social being.
Ice cold stare confirming that I welcome solidarity.
Silent lips with the power to isolate.
Arms empty yearning to be full, but bearing fists held tight.
Reminding you that I will fight.
A slave to my emotions.
A puppet to my mind.
Bitter from lack of control and weak from loneliness.
The only thing that makes me sane like you is that even I don't understand me.
I'm a puzzle incomplete.
Of no interest to anyone until I'm allowed to be freed.
I know little of that sweet word.
For it comes so seldom and leaves to soon.
And so I'll stay in my room.

Its been two months since we were close
Some days are easy and others are dreadful
Some days I wake up wishing you were there
Others I tell myself that I can do better

But when my mom asks about you
All those past feelings consume me
Because you left an impression on her
Just like you left an impression on me

When will I ever be satisfied?

Will the earth have to shake and the heavens burst open and the almighty whomever have to come down specifically to me and award me for my good improvement?

Will I have to become a perfect, ethereal being who feels nothing but strength and goodness and saves the entire land?

Will I have to not be me anymore?

What do I have to do to stop feeling so defeated by merely doing things that come naturally to my breathing self?

What do I have to think to stop hating myself at every ounce of weakness that i show, no matter how human?

What do I have to give up to ever not be inevitably dissatisfied with myself every once in awhile, having to accept this occasional misery or frustration to keep myself alive?

What does it take to be happy with who I am?

What is it like to be satisfied?

I don't know if I've ever known.