Soul blank and empty
A fresh canvas
Shining flecks of love
But stored in the dark

I can't paint over it
The creation held becomes still
Fixed in place and just a fragment of dream

I wish to stay in my glass castle in the void
My dream to live
The perfect blackness unknown and bare
Naked
Exposed as it's formless husk

They will never know who I am
My canvas is drawn into the dark
I can't keep it from leaving

Another dive into my event horizon
Another time **** you

We aren't finished perfecting you

One last time you dog
Into that breach one last time

emotional speaking,
you left me i hate you
i did everything for you
i'm making you happy
i'm not real
there not real get out of my head
she calls me names
why is there four of me
i have friends
you just cant see them
first they  were a game
now your comfort
i failed

Analytically speaking,

i failed at helping you
and that is of no fault of mine
i have tried
and failed


breaking down speaking,

you dint want to be my friend
but the voices do
they shower me in ink
as if my own blood was pouring over me
black
oozing ink
mettalic
oh its wonderful
they wave
and smile
i can see them
but you cant
unfortunately
they can see you


what i want to say.

H
   E
                         L
      P

MMMMME

*******  PLEASE

i'm begging you
she's begging you
were begging you

I am a bird caught in a tree.
This is where I'm meant to be,
but I feel lost,
and without meaning.

I am looking,
searching,
for something original within myself.
Instead, I find that,
I'm only copying someone else.

I don't want to be me.
I'd rather be a bird,
who doesn't have to worry,
about whether or not it will ever be free.

Free from it's own society.

Every time I look into the mirror,
I see a boy,
instead of a man.

Because what is a man,
if he is controlled,
by the beliefs and thoughts,
of someone all the way across the world?

Someone who is typing words into a keyboard.
Words that they think hold no meaning.
But instead,
they make my soul crumble,
into ash and dust.

I am a bird caught in a tree.
There is no where to go for me.
Constantly craving excitement,
but unable to leave my own home.

Will I ever be free?
From my own society?

I am afraid of letting go
And losing control

I am afraid of being happy
Of waking up wanting to start the day
Of accepting myself for who I am
Of losing the motivation for my art because I’m no longer so sad and alone
Of losing the bubble I created for writing since I have no one to turn to
no one to talk to
no one to belong to

I am afraid of being

I am afraid of the potential I possess
I don’t mean to sound arrogant or proud
Because I’m not

I am just me

Mikayla

I walk around the halls sheltered and afraid
Afraid of the people I see around me
Every one of these individuals has a hidden talent,
A secret,
A love, A vice,

And what do I have?
Just me.

Mikayla DeAnn.

If I am not walking with a false bravado
Shining plastered smiles to hide my fear
I am invisible
I am shoved
Pushed
Tossed
Turned
Unrecognizable

Mikayla DeAnn Kay

I am afraid of letting go
If I let go, I am letting go of the control I possess,
My only vice
I am letting go of the years of “you’re not good enough”
The years of “you’re not pretty enough”
The years of “you’re not skinny enough”
The years of “you’re not worthy”
The years of “you do not belong”

Mikayla DeAnn

I want to shine
I want to smile
I want to make others happy without losing pieces of myself
I want to be confident in what I like
What I wear
What I desire
I want to feel whole
I want to be seen

I want to become… no

I am

Mikayla

As a child my lips kissed
Every honeysuckle my arms could reach.
I believed,honestly and truly,
That if I ****** every sweet drop out
I’d find happiness hidden there.
Every bush was bare by the time I left,
I was still searching as I became a teenager,

I search now, not in plants,
In people. I believe I can find my happiness,
By pressing my lips against others,
Filling myself with their energy and filling my mouth
With sweetness are not so different.
I haven’t seen a honeysuckle bush in years,
But every now and again,
The familiar taste is on my tongue.

i wander in
art galleries
colourful theme parks
busy streets
dark alleys

looking for someone
i knew once before
and it was you

i have always looked
staring into the abyss
looking for you

maybe i am a soul
destined to be forever
separated from you

you may think
that i might be looking
for someone else
someone i met before

but no
that's not the case.

i stare into the arts
to find me.
i see their smiles
to remind me
of what i was before.

Please forgive me.
We both know, I'm the one that breaks.
While we both have demons,
Mine run deep.
I know you're trying to find yourself.
I'm sorry, that I'm not helping you.
But I see a garden growing in your mind.
Someday you'll wake up and realize that a boy like you is strong.
You are meant for many things.
But when the water of happiness pours over me.
I'm promised it will set me free.
But the water drowns me.
Emotion after emotions washes over me.
I'm told at age 8, "things will get better"
I'm told the same at 16.
Finally on my 18th, I'll tell myself maybe I'm not meant for this life.
I don't wish to be drowning in my emotions.
I don't wish for the life that has broken me 10x over.
I wish to be like you.
I wish to find myself, too.
But chains from my past old me down.
The hold me down and wrap around me, I'm surround by the sea.
I'm flooded and drowned with of a sea of emotions.
Is this what I've become?
A shell? A shell of who I used to be.
I'm watered down.
A watered down shell.

I suspected something was happening when you started to change.
You let me think I was crazy for being on the path of truth.
"Ignorance is your best friend, I guess."
"Forever and always", you told me.
How long did it take for you to realize that a river of lies was flowing from your lips?
We were two broken pieces of stone,
losing more of ourselves around each other.
Beating each other too death.
We kept on fighting, but held on to each other anyway.
Wearing thin,
the river of your lies, and betrayals completely crushed what we had.
We held on, but the river beats the rock eventually.
And now...I am merely dust.

I think I'm the most upset because I've never not been in a relationship and I'm willingly walking away from this one and I feel like I'm going to be all alone. I feel like, if I'm by myself, no one will care about me or love me. Maybe I'm just in denial and insecure, but I've never actually taken the chance to find myself and that's all I think I've ever needed. I need approval from myself before I need it from any guy.