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DeAnn Mar 2018
I am afraid of letting go
And losing control

I am afraid of being happy
Of waking up wanting to start the day
Of accepting myself for who I am
Of losing the motivation for my art because I’m no longer so sad and alone
Of losing the bubble I created for writing since I have no one to turn to
no one to talk to
no one to belong to

I am afraid of being

I am afraid of the potential I possess
I don’t mean to sound arrogant or proud
Because I’m not

I am just me

Mikayla

I walk around the halls sheltered and afraid
Afraid of the people I see around me
Every one of these individuals has a hidden talent,
A secret,
A love, A vice,

And what do I have?
Just me.

Mikayla DeAnn.

If I am not walking with a false bravado
Shining plastered smiles to hide my fear
I am invisible
I am shoved
Pushed
Tossed
Turned
Unrecognizable

Mikayla DeAnn Kay

I am afraid of letting go
If I let go, I am letting go of the control I possess,
My only vice
I am letting go of the years of “you’re not good enough”
The years of “you’re not pretty enough”
The years of “you’re not skinny enough”
The years of “you’re not worthy”
The years of “you do not belong”

Mikayla DeAnn

I want to shine
I want to smile
I want to make others happy without losing pieces of myself
I want to be confident in what I like
What I wear
What I desire
I want to feel whole
I want to be seen

I want to become… no

I am

Mikayla
Sarah Caitlyn Aug 2017
As a child my lips kissed
Every honeysuckle my arms could reach.
I believed,honestly and truly,
That if I ****** every sweet drop out
I’d find happiness hidden there.
Every bush was bare by the time I left,
I was still searching as I became a teenager,

I search now, not in plants,
In people. I believe I can find my happiness,
By pressing my lips against others,
Filling myself with their energy and filling my mouth
With sweetness are not so different.
I haven’t seen a honeysuckle bush in years,
But every now and again,
The familiar taste is on my tongue.
~Sylus
complexify Apr 2017
i wander in
art galleries
colourful theme parks
busy streets
dark alleys

looking for someone
i knew once before
and it was you

i have always looked
staring into the abyss
looking for you

maybe i am a soul
destined to be forever
separated from you

you may think
that i might be looking
for someone else
someone i met before

but no
that's not the case.

i stare into the arts
to find me.
i see their smiles
to remind me
of what i was before.
hello everybody i am back with my stupid poems :D
Mikayla Mar 2017
Please forgive me.
We both know, I'm the one that breaks.
While we both have demons,
Mine run deep.
I know you're trying to find yourself.
I'm sorry, that I'm not helping you.
But I see a garden growing in your mind.
Someday you'll wake up and realize that a boy like you is strong.
You are meant for many things.
But when the water of happiness pours over me.
I'm promised it will set me free.
But the water drowns me.
Emotion after emotions washes over me.
I'm told at age 8, "things will get better"
I'm told the same at 16.
Finally on my 18th, I'll tell myself maybe I'm not meant for this life.
I don't wish to be drowning in my emotions.
I don't wish for the life that has broken me 10x over.
I wish to be like you.
I wish to find myself, too.
But chains from my past old me down.
The hold me down and wrap around me, I'm surround by the sea.
I'm flooded and drowned with of a sea of emotions.
Is this what I've become?
A shell? A shell of who I used to be.
I'm watered down.
A watered down shell.
idkwhoiamanymore Sep 2016
I suspected something was happening when you started to change.
You let me think I was crazy for being on the path of truth.
"Ignorance is your best friend, I guess."
"Forever and always", you told me.
How long did it take for you to realize that a river of lies was flowing from your lips?
We were two broken pieces of stone,
losing more of ourselves around each other.
Beating each other too death.
We kept on fighting, but held on to each other anyway.
Wearing thin,
the river of your lies, and betrayals completely crushed what we had.
We held on, but the river beats the rock eventually.
And now...I am merely dust.
Erin-Taylor Apr 2016
I think I'm the most upset because I've never not been in a relationship and I'm willingly walking away from this one and I feel like I'm going to be all alone. I feel like, if I'm by myself, no one will care about me or love me. Maybe I'm just in denial and insecure, but I've never actually taken the chance to find myself and that's all I think I've ever needed. I need approval from myself before I need it from any guy.
ᗺᗷ Dec 2013
I lost myself once upon a time
in a place that was only whispered to me in dreams.
Where the fog is thick and threads through the seams
of street lights and street cars with *** fights and brillo bars.  
I tell you I lost myself on the tongue of insanity
who swallowed my soul to feed its humanity.
I lost myself
in a city that found me;

San Francisco, 2013

Let me extend two points like two bridges
that begin in separate places but lead to the same thing.
I’m talking the people in both hands with countless art in between.

The people, the people, the people.
What can’t be said about the near million faces
sleeping on warm pillows or cold stones,
wearing top hats or traffic cones
because not every night are people thriving.
But they’re still surviving, getting busy living or getting busy dying.
In their eyes are stories being told
once you wipe those windows into their souls, deep.
You see it all,
Just like every star in the fall when the sun goes to sleep.
I gave a homeless man a dollar who gave it to another homeless man who then gave it back to me
Like we were passing a love note that said, “You need this more than me.”
So which of us was the one without the home?

Home I soon found in the art of every step taken,
one foot in front of the next.
I can’t walk through that city discounting the side effects.
I was drunk,
but not from bottles or cans
I was drunk from the hands
that told tales with graffiti art to camera pans.
and countless other melodies
massaging bricks into the landmarks that spanned.
Culture sprinkling up and down the hills and between the cracks
Painting colors in the sky as the rainbows stacked,
Finding pots of gold by merely lifting my eye lids back.

There is so much to say about this city in the bay,
that is held in place by the people of race
and the vessels of art that encompass in its space
like stories and attitude,
survival and gratitude,
muse and expression
in delight or depression.

I tell you I lost myself in that city.
But I know now that being lost is sometimes the only way to be truly found.
Yes, tell me. What is worse:
The devil you don't know or the devil you do?
I feel like I'm on hard times in finding myself.
How to begin such a unforgiving time.
A time where mother dearest was never home.
A time father drank four bottles of Strawberry flavored *** a night to forget the times back in the desert.
A time where my sister never spoke to me, didn't know where to find me.
A time my brother sexually harassed me for months at a time.
A time I dragged a cold  jagged thin piece of rusted metal across my thighs.
But
What about the good times?
Times where Mom called me first.
Or when dad spent time with only me.
Even when my sister came to visit me on her birthday.
Maybe even the days my brother and I stayed up playing video games.
And maybe that time I-

Downed a bottle of pills.
Spent 4 weeks in a recovery center only to be shipped to Philadelphia for further treatment.
Or when I thought I fell in love for the first time with the boy who wasn't quite a man.

There's times where I still wake up not wanting to get out of bed but I do. and that means maybe not today or tomorrow I will make good times with myself.
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