I used to have this night terror...
a man or multiple chasing me
trying to kidnap me
I watched him kidnap so many others

he reached out to me
this scary man with a disguise of female features...
I never understood
where and what created this fear of abuse
at such a young age I ran from more men in my dreams than I did in real life...
I never thought of being abused...
I have no memories.
Was I? did something happen to me?
I will never truly know. I see kids getting kidnapped from their homes in my dreams
Do I know exactly what that means? How far will they take me?
Is it simply the fears of the world, pushed into a child's brain so that it may never leave, a matter of fact.
the knowledge that should be engrained. or is it the past lives of many once lived? / an unconscious collective of memories.
just simply I will never know.

the night terrors turn to day dreams
i witness myself being choked...
i can feel someone watching me
i lose track of time
watching some take their time on me...
i cause myself tears...

i create all these fears in my head
i can see them so clear
these fears i could never control
and i never once understood

never the memories of someone i knew
all strangers
created
from a memory
i almost knew

I let out a blood curdle scream
Hoping my parents can come help me
I was trapped within a paralyzed body
Stuck between a purgatory state of sleep and reality.

Shadowy silhouettes appeared then were out of sight,
In the corners of my forest green eyes,
The sound of their hushed footsteps were left behind
Leaving me frightened out of my mind.
I was prepared to be hurt by the creatures
That lurked my bedroom at night.

Mom frantically told the doctor who said it was sleep paralysis,
The good news is that I would be alright.
There’s nothing they can do,
I’m stuck feeling the fear that comes to me
Whenever the sleep paralysis decides to strike.

No one can help me,
I have to live through getting stuck in a limp body
Welcoming the scary creatures that come by,
Having an episode is one of the scariest things
That I’ve encountered in my life.

My head bobs above water
For just a moment
And I gasp for air.
Every lungful is a second
I don’t think of you.
But then a current
Pushes me back under
And you wrap me back up
Into your chilling hold
And draw me to the ocean floor.
You know I can’t swim.
You know I’m afraid
Of what’s under
These deep blue waves.
So why do you persist?
Why do you anchor me
To one of my greatest fears?
The only answer I can reason with
Is that you want to see me hurt
The same way you claim
That I hurt you.

When fear flutters me I close my heart's shutter for preventing its entry inside me.

© SPRIHA KANT

The moments when words are choked up by your own tears
The times you were chased by your worst fears
The amount of time I waited for it to pass, all those years
The people who were beside you through it all slowly disappears
The end of your suffering slowly, slowly nears
Happiness sometimes interferes
Coming in playing with your emotions
Ticking your feelings for a small giggle
But it shows no devotions
Leaves your life grey
While you wait for it to end
While you keep playing pretend
Waiting for the end
~6/4/21

Testing the waters
Dipping and swishing
Drying out the fears
Soaking it all in
Swimming, sometimes
Then waves hitting
Closing me in a box
Full of angst
And reminder
Of what I am looking for

Drip, drip, the waters are calm and clear,
You already know, its always here.
I wonder how long you can stay afloat from the depths, little deer.